The 10 Point Guide To Moving On After A Breakup

 How to take back your power.

Why is it that breakups are so devastating? We’ve all gone through them before, and we know from experience that we are capable of finding someone else somewhere down the line. Yet, going through a breakup can feel like the end of the world and keep us out of commission for days, weeks, or months.

A breakup isn’t just about the loss of a person — it’s about the loss of a future that you expected to live.

The future plans, the future wedding, the future kids, the future house, the future future…gone in the blink of an eye.

Of course you’ll experience a wide range of emotions during the process. Sadness, anger, regret…but none of these give you the power to decide how you’re going to move forward with your life.

    Here are 10 things you need to do in order to take back your power and get yourself back on track:

1: Cut your ex out completely.

Yeah, I know — this doesn’t work if you have kids, were married, had a house, a pet, or shared a mutual obligation.

The point here is setting boundaries.

If any of the above circumstances are true, only allow conversations about those circumstances.

Otherwise, no chit-chat, no flirty texts, no entertaining going back to him or her.

This means unfollowing them on social media, removing any temptation to contact them, and restricting their access to you however you can.

Why is this so important?

Because you need mental and emotional space to get clarity and begin the process of moving on. If you’re always scrolling through their photos, watching their stories to see who they’re with, or having their name pop up on your phone from a late-night text, you’re going to have a much harder time separating yourself from the emotions of it all.

If necessary, communicate these wishes to your ex so they back off and give you some space. If they don’t respect your wishes, you can easily find the block button.

2: Stop romanticizing the past.

One of the most typical things we do when looking back at our now-previous relationship is remembering all of the amazing times we had together.

And, no doubt, there were quite a few of them. There is no ignoring that, and those should be celebrated and looked back on with fondness.

However, the relationship still ended for a reason (or reasonS) which likely accumulated over time.

And, if you allow yourself to look back with an unbiased lens, you’ll start seeing all of the things that ultimately led to the breakup.

The arguments, the differences in values, the fights over small things, the annoying habits or rituals they had that bothered the hell out of you…

To begin the process of moving on, you first need to have a clear view of exactly what and who you’re moving on from. If you paint an unrealistically rosy picture in your head of what you thought the relationship was like, you’ll never recognize it for what it truly was.

3: Allow yourself to feel the emotions.

    Breakups suck. They’re difficult, lonely, and overwhelming.

I remember reading once that women tend to move on quicker after breakups than men do (obviously neither is this scientific nor universally true…) but hear me out on the reasoning:

Men tend to avoid their feelings more than women do (traditionally), or try to “move on” by sleeping with someone else, going out drinking with their friends, or finding some other distraction to avoid thinking about the reality of the situation.

What does this do? It extends the amount of time it’s going to take him to face reality, making the moving on process even longer.

On the other hand, women will face the emotions head on. They’ll dive deeper into the valley of their feelings and call some friends, have a few good cries, and process the breakup fully.

Then, much sooner than the man will, they’ll be able to move on because they’ve come to terms with what has happened.

    The man will look at the woman and wonder how she moved on so quickly, while she’ll be wondering why he hasn’t yet.

I said “valley” earlier because that’s how I visually process this theory. If you imagine a deep, sharp, steep valley — the physical distance between the peaks is much shorter than a valley that is wide, spread out, but more shallow.

The more shallow valley may not be as painful or treacherous, but the distance across is it is much further, extending the time it takes to get there.

Needless to say, this conversation isn’t gender-specific and you could bring up examples of the roles being reversed in the given scenario, but the lesson remains the same:

Without fully processing the feelings, you’ll never fully move past them.

4: Reconnect where you lost touch.

Being excited about a new relationship can be all-consuming. You might be spending most of your time with them, going on adventures, creating new routines and traditions, planning a future together, and being generally consumed in each other’s existence.

The result of this is obvious: You often lose touch with friends, or even family.

It’s not intentional, it’s not malicious, it might not even be something you’re aware of — until you stop and look back on it.

Wow, I haven’t seen XYZ in months!

Now is the time to give them a call — if they’ll take it.

Reconnect with the people and things you lost touch with. Hobbies, passions, that side business you wanted to start…and yes, yourself. Rebuild the foundation of your life any way you see fit.

5: Focus on productive healing methods, not destructive.

Examples of productive healing methods are things like meditation, going hard on your fitness routine, going on adventures, traveling, getting yourself a new wardrobe or changing up your personal style…

Destructive methods are ways of coping that are harmful to your mental, emotional, or physical health. They are more avoidant and can do more harm than good over time.

However, they’re also much easier to fall into because they require less effort and are more easily accessible.

Sure — indulgences can be fun and help to give yourself a little break, but they are not a long term solution, nor do they honor who you are and how much value you have.

Let yourself sink into the couch and crack open that bottle of wine. Have a good cry over that sappy movie — and then, tomorrow, get off your ass and channel your energy into something productive.

6: Let go of guilt.

There will be thoughts swirling around in your head about all of the things you could’ve done differently. The things you never said. The arguments that shouldn’t have happened. The list goes on.

The fact of the matter is that, unless you directly caused the breakup through cheating, abuse, or some other betrayal — breakups are rarely the fault of one person because of one singular reason.

Take solace in the fact that you did the best you could with what you had during the time of the relationship. We all learn and grow over time and the hardships of life eventually serve as our lessons — but in the moments you’ll be thinking back on, these lessons hadn’t come your way yet.

The hard truth about relationships is that sometimes, they simply don’t work out. People are in different phases of life, want different things, have different perspectives, or hold different values.

If you can honestly remind yourself that you showed up every day as your most true and authentic self and gave your partner and the relationship the love and care they deserved — then rest easily that your actions did not break, nor could they have saved, the relationship.

7: Identify the learning experiences.

I mentioned earlier that we all learn new things from hardships in life — but this is only true if we choose to.

You didn’t “waste time” in a relationship if you learned more about what you do and don’t want moving forward.

Every relationship affords us learning experiences that help us gain clarity around who we are and what’s truly important to us.

It also shows us where we let our boundaries and standards slide, which we can recognize and pledge not to do again.

No matter how long or short your time together was, if you are willing to be honest with yourself, you can identify both the good and the bad to look for the next time you meet someone new.

Which, you will.

8: Start “getting out there” again.

Speaking of meeting new people, it’s a necessary part of moving on after a breakup.

Note: Obviously, wait until you are emotionally ready to start dating again.

But, you don’t need to be at this point in order to go out and have fun. Call your friends, go on a solo-hike, pursue the passions that you’ve been putting off for too long.

Take an art class.

Go rent a bike and ride around the city.

Go to a movie by yourself.

Do something to get the social momentum going again.

Putting yourself in different atmospheres with better energy will help you remember that the world is vast and extends far beyond one person or partnership.

While you already know this intuitively, it’s a much more powerful experience to get off of your couch and immerse yourself in it.

The world is waiting for you — don’t be late.

9: Don’t imagine a future that didn’t exist.

Earlier we talked about the “highlight reel” of your relationship and why you shouldn’t romanticize the past while forgetting the negatives.

Equally as important, is not to create a future-that-never-was inside your mind.

“But, we were going to do XYZ!”

The truth is that nobody knows what tomorrow is going to bring, and while we may have plans, we never know exactly how they’re going to work out — or if they’re going to at all.

You may have a vision in your mind of exactly what your life with your ex was going to look like, but many times that ends up changing as life goes on.

Not always in a bad way — just not in the exact way you imagined.

So, by mourning a future that was never guaranteed to exist, it’s like being sad about an imaginary friend passing away.

It’s never truly gone, because the only place it ever existed is in your mind — which means you can visit it anytime.

And, you’ve still got a chance of it coming true, just with a different (and better suited for you) partner.

10: Be honest with yourself about your timeline.

It’s been said that we shouldn’t rush love, but we also shouldn’t rush moving on from it.

One of the worst things you can do to yourself and to someone else is to start dating again when you’re not truly ready to emotionally invest in someone new.

This only leads down a road of comparison to your ex, baggage, and inevitable heartbreak.

It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means you weren’t fully capable of bringing yourself to a new relationship.

Moving on takes time, especially if you lived an intertwined life or were together for multiple years. But, if you rush it, you’ll find yourself back at square one more than you’d like, and facing heartbreak even more often because you moved too quickly.

It’s just like when an athlete gets injured — they have two choices:

Go through the proper healing and rehabilitation process in order to come back even stronger than before…

Or…

Push too hard too fast and risk re-injury that might be more severe and more painful than before.

The most important thing about breakups is knowing yourself and what process works best for you. Everyone handles difficult times in different ways and honoring your method is paramount.

So, let me know — what has been most helpful to you in the past, and what takeaways were most powerful for you in this article?

James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 38 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.

Source: https://jamesmsama.com/2021/09/01/the-10-point-guide-to-moving-on-after-a-breakup/

Relationship Rules: 30 Must-Know Tips to Live Your Best Love Life!

 

Relationship rules don’t have to be boring and overwhelming. Love consists of both the good and bad, and rules prevent you from having the worst relationship experience. While pain and heartbreak are both inevitable, the right relationship rules guide you to experience love like a bed of roses.

It won’t be perfect, but it won’t destroy and sabotage your sanity entirely. The thing is, love is the most beautiful and extraordinary experience in the world, and the right relationship rules help you in achieving and living that dream love life.

[Read: 16 commonly believed relationship tips that ruin your love life]

The right relationship rules for successful love

There are a few relationship rules that can change a drifting relationship into a romantic one. Love isn’t as easy as the movies make it seem because it takes consistent effort and hard work to make a relationship last.

Not the kind of effort where it feels like a job, but the kind where you actually want to make the effort. Using the right kind of relationship rules, you will have the wisdom to make your relationship work.

After all, isn’t that what everyone wants – to prove that love can actually last a lifetime? Someone once said that falling in love should be effortless. True, falling in love is easy, but staying in love always needs a bit of work.

[Read: How to have a good relationship that gets better with each new day]

Why are relationship rules important?

Without relationship rules, you’ll lack guidance and wisdom on what’s the right and wrong way of taking care of your relationship. While there’s no one-size-fits-all approach in making a relationship last, these relationship rules are often agreed by the majority that these are the right approach.

Whether it’s seeking a healthy relationship or making your relationship last forever, rules are very beneficial in this situation. You might not realize it right away, but the lack of rules can also cause a lack of structure and direction in your relationship.

As a result, it becomes complacent and negligent, which leads to a relationship falling apart. By knowing the advisable relationship rules to follow, you’d be taking care of your relationship better. And everyone involved will be a lot happier too! [Read: 15 rules to be a good partner in a relationship & wow your lover]

30 relationship rules that matter more than all others

Follow these relationship rules in your own relationship, irrespective of whether it’s a new or old romance. As long as you’re committed to creating a better relationship, you’ll have no trouble creating a magical experience out of love.

1. Love your partner unconditionally

Try your best to love your partner unconditionally even if it seems hard not to be selfish. The very definition of love is to make someone happy the best way you can, even if it means sacrificing a part of your own happiness.

More than joy, love is also about sacrifice. Love your partner without expecting anything in return, and they’ll return the favor by loving you in the purest way possible. [Read: How to love unconditionally – Stop screwing up and start loving instead]

2. Look from your partner’s perspective

Sometimes, we’re so focused on following through with our own perspective that we forget to see things from our partner’s perspective.

Think from your partner’s perspective when it comes to matters of the heart. A relationship is all about partnership and in that partnership, you need to be open to their perspective as well – not just your own. [Read: How to develop empathy and master the art of growing a real heart]

3. End an argument immediately

End an argument as soon as possible, even if hugging your partner is the last thing on your mind. In taking note of these relationship rules, remember that love is a choice rather than a decision.

If you want your relationship to flourish and thrive, choose your partner over winning the argument. It’s pointless to prolong an argument if you end up losing your partner altogether. [Read: How to fight fair in a relationship and grow closer]

4. Make love regularly

Make love regularly, but never allot time for it. Scheduling time for sex makes it seem like a chore that can start to become a bore. Sex should become an activity you both enjoy to become intimate and connected with one another.

It shouldn’t feel like a routine, but it shouldn’t be done rarely either. Make sure you find the right balance in making love with your partner.

5. Have effective communication

Communication is the key to any working relationship, so if you want your relationship to really beat the odds, you need to learn to communicate. This means even when conflict is present, you don’t shy away from confrontation.

Communicate with each other and grow together in love, but never grow apart with a lack of communication as the years pass by. [Read: How to communicate in a relationship – 14 steps to a better love]

6. Give each other space

Couples often give each other space so you can miss one another healthily and you can do your individual things. Learn to give space to each other to become better individuals. Even the closest of relationships need some alone time to miss each other now and then.

There’s nothing bad with having space as it can help you love each other better when do you come together again. Of course, there’s still such thing as healthy space and too much space. [Read: How to give space in a relationship the right way so you feel close instead of drifting apart]

7. Don’t take each other for granted

One of the most important relationship rules to take note of is to never take your partner for granted. This is the easiest way to fall prey to affairs and arguments.

You’ll create a lot of friction and conflict in your relationship when you always assume they’ll be there for you all the time without appreciating their efforts.

8. White lies aren’t a bad thing

Say a white lie when you need to, especially if it’s a little lie that won’t change your relationship, but will make your partner feel happy.

Of course, it’s not an excuse to make a habit of saying a white lie *by all means, tell her how she looks better in that other dress!* It’s okay to do so occasionally, but not to the point where it’s all you say.

9. Never shy away from positive criticism

As long as you say it constructively, it’ll help your partner become a better person. Don’t feel offended when they say something you can use to improve yourself. Remember that constructive criticism is a good thing and isn’t something they’re saying to put you down.

You never know, your partner could have a point and you can use that feedback to grow. Would you rather be comforted with a lie or be offended by the truth? [Read: The worst mistakes couples make in a relationship]

10. Always be there for them

You’re the person they should run to when something happens to them. Whether they have a good or bad day, always be there for them. Tough times are the most frustrating phase of a relationship.

Stand by your partner, and when the storm ends, your love will shine brighter. This is one of the relationship rules to keep in mind as nobody wants a partner who leaves when things get tough. [Read: How to know if someone is right for you – 32 clear signs you’ve found the one]

11. Show affection publicly; argue privately

Never argue in public, but indulge in public display of affection. Any misunderstanding or conflict between you should be discussed behind the doors so you don’t end up embarrassing your partner.

However, don’t hesitate to express your love through simple physical gestures. Hold their hand, put your arm around them, kiss them! [Read: How to be a genuinely happy couple that’s envied by all other couples]

12. Keep dating each other

Just because you’ve been together for years, doesn’t mean you need to stop dating them. In fact, this is one of the relationship rules that will keep your sparks and chemistry alive. Don’t forget to have occasional date nights intentionally, not just when there’s nothing else to do.

Date nights are how you can spend quality time with your partner without any interruptions or distractions.

13. Take care of yourself

Don’t get lazy in your relationship. Just because you’ve been together for so long, doesn’t mean you should stop trying to look attractive. Get those abs, exercise, and do whatever it takes to maintain your attractiveness.

Your physical features might not be the only reason they fell for you, but it does play a part. [Read: How to be sexy, look sexy and feel sexy without even trying too hard]

14. Compliment your partner

Compliments are the best way to thank a special someone for the effort they’ve taken for you, however small it may be. It’s simple yet effective enough in making their day and reminding them how much you adore them.

15. Celebrate the special days

Birthdays and anniversaries may repeat themselves too many times, but it’s these milestones that create memories. These special occasions mark another step in your relationship, and it’s worth celebrating.

It’s also your rare opportunity to show your partner how much you appreciate everything they’ve done and how they’re the best thing to happen to you. It’s one of the underrated relationship rules, but equally as significant as the others in this list. [Read: The 25 best relationship topics to talk about if you want to be happy in love]

16. Don’t put your partner down

Never intentionally try to make your partner feel bad or look bad. It’ll leave a lasting scar that can hurt the relationship. The only thing you should do is lift them and support them every way you can.

You can give constructive feedback, but don’t intentionally attack their insecurities and weaknesses. Otherwise, you might as well prepare to lose them.

17. Learn to forgive

Forgiveness is the one relationship rule you should never ignore. The key to any long-lasting relationship is forgiving each other over and over throughout the span of your relationship.

Stop holding grudges, no matter how easy this tendency is. We’re not perfect and you should expect that both of you are going to make several mistakes throughout your relationship. [Read: How to forgive someone: 15 positive ways to unburden your mind]

18. Respect your partner wholeheartedly

Respect is another one of the relationship rules that people choose to ignore. However, respect is the foundation for both trust and love. If you don’t trust your partner, then how can you expect to feel the love?

19. Be okay with your partner having other admirations

Your partner will have several crushes even if they’re committed to you – and that’s okay. Understand that your partner can have crushes on others too. It’s a difficult thought, but if you can admire someone else, so can your partner. [Read: How to handle a crush when you’re in a relationship with someone]

20. Trust your partner – and your gut

Trust is everything in a relationship. Without trusting them wholeheartedly, then it’s not a relationship that can work.

However, you should also learn to trust your gut when needed. If something doesn’t feel right, go with your gut instinct. [Read: How to build trust in a relationship and make it last]

21. Don’t badmouth each other

This seems like common sense, but a lot of couples end up attacking and cursing one another in anger. This is exactly what leads to toxic relationships, which is why it’s one of the important relationship rules to follow. Never grumble or badmouth each other even if you’re tempted to, out of anger or frustration.

22. Always spend quality time together

Quality time doesn’t always have to be exhausting or elaborate. Sometimes, it can be something simple like a homemade dinner or maybe running errands together. Quality time is how you make one another feel loved and rekindle your chemistry.

Learn to spend quality time with each other. There’s no better way to fall more in love with each other as the relationship grows.

23. Behave like children now and then

A few pillow fights or cute wrestles can never hurt anyone. Not only is it fun, but it can help both of you enjoy the relationship. There’s no better feeling than having a pillow fight or laughing until you cry with your partner.

24. Be spontaneous with your affection

Don’t always wait for special occasions or moments to express your love. Spontaneous surprises are always happier than planned surprises.

It doesn’t have to be Valentine’s day or your anniversary to spoil them with an elaborate dinner or amazing gift. In fact, the best feeling is to be surprised on an ordinary day. [Read: The 25 sweetest romantic gestures for everyday life]

25. Stop comparing

This is one of those important relationship rules, so pay close attention! Stop comparing your relationship with others as no relationship is going to be alike, ever.

Instead of learning from someone else’s relationship, learn from your own relationship’s successes and failures. [Read: Self concept – What it is and what makes it very important for your happiness]

26. Be their best friend

The best feeling is when your partner isn’t just the love of your life, but also your best friend. Having a friendship outside the relationship avoids a lot of fights and conflicts. This means they understand you more than anyone else, even when you’re being extremely difficult.

27. Watch how they say, “I love you”

These powerful three words don’t always need to be said out loud. They can say it in the form of gestures, quality time, physical touch, or even gifts.

This is otherwise known as love language. Everyone has different ways of showing love, so pay close attention. [Read: How to show someone you love them: 41 sure-fire ways]

28. Don’t make decisions when you’re angry or upset

Our negative emotions are so powerful that they can cloud our judgment and logic. One of the big relationship rules is to not make decisions based on your anger or frustration.

Don’t walk out that door, break up with them, or curse them. Most likely, you’ll regret everything by the time you feel more logical.

29. Don’t try to rise above your partner

A power struggle is often seen in relationships. When taking note of these relationship rules, remember that a relationship will always be about partnership and friendship – nothing else.

You’re not superior or inferior to your partner. What you lack, the other makes up for. Always keep this in mind before trying to control your partner. [Read: 14 ways to overcome power struggles in a relationship]

30. Choose each other every day

As much as love starts as a feeling, it develops into a choice. Relationships last not because you’ll always feel the butterflies in your stomach, but because you make a constant decision to love them each day.

Even when they frustrate or irritate you, the choice lies in making things work and not leaving just because things are difficult. That’s what love is.

[Read: Love is a choice: Why only you can make love happen]

So, what are relationship rules for?

Relationship rules exist not to make your relationship boring and rigid, but to increase the chances of it lasting and growing healthier. Without the proper structure and guidance, there’s no way of knowing if you’re doing the right or wrong things. For all you know, you could be pushing your partner away without realizing it.

[Read: What is true love? 22 signs of real love to know if your love is real]

These relationship rules could seem simple, but following them can make all the difference between a romantic relationship and a failed affair. They can transform neglect and complacency into romance and commitment.

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Preeti Tewari

A true believer in the beauty of life and the world we live in, Preeti Tewari finds every excuse to lose herself in nature, be it smelling flowers on a stree...

Source: https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/sweet-love/relationship-rules-for-successful-love