Sunday, January 8, 2023

Living Apart Together: What It Is and Why Couples Do It

 Dina Gachman-  Updated on 10/31/22 - For some, long-term romance includes milestones like leaving a toothbrush at each other’s place, giving each other keys, and eventually, moving in together. For a growing number of couples, though, living apart together (LAT) is way more romantic than sharing a bedroom, a bathroom, and a permanent address. Having separate addresses, for some, is the secret to a long and happy (and healthy) marriage.

What Does Living Apart Together Mean?

Living apart together (LAT) refers to couples who are in an intimate relationship, but choose to live separately for various reasons. Those reasons can be financial, personal, or both.

To learn more about this growing trend, we consulted experts Bella DePaolo and Sherrie Sims Allen. Because hey, if it works for Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Brad Falchuk, maybe it’ll work for you, too.

Meet the Expert

    Bella DePaolo is an academic, researcher, and author of How We Live Now: Redefining Home and Family in the 21st Century.
    Sherrie Sims Allen, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship expert based in Los Angeles.

“We are in a whole new era of couples living apart,” explains DePaolo. Couples used to live apart mainly because they had no choice. For example, one or both had good jobs in different cities or countries that they couldn’t give up. That’s still the case for some, but the trend of choosing to live apart, regardless of your job situation, is on the rise. She adds, “What is relatively new, or newly getting recognized, are the couples living apart because they want to—or at least one person in the couple wants to."

Just like people are choosing to marry or have children later on, some are choosing to go a different route when it comes to their marriage. Especially for people who have spent their twenties and thirties single and living alone, independence can be tough to give up. “I see it as a possible growing trend as singles look at ways to connect that won’t cost them their preferred lifestyle or way of life,” offers Sims Allen.

Here are some things to think about if you’re curious about maintaining a LAT romance.

Why Live Apart?

Couples decide to live separately for different reasons, whether it’s because they love their solitude and space, they have to be in different locations for work or financial reasons, or because they feel like not being together constantly actually strengthens their bond. “Living apart might offer some relief to couples who value their individual space as well as each other,” Sims Allen says. If you each have established careers across the country from each other, but you meet on a cross-country flight and fall in love, you might decide it’s best for both of you and your relationship to keep your jobs, at least for a few years. Or maybe one person loves the mountains and the other needs the ocean, but you make it work anyway.

“The couple loves each other, but don’t feel they need to live in the same house to express their togetherness,” Sims Allen says of people who choose to live apart because of personal preferences. “They have an arrangement that is outside the box of traditional marriage,” she adds. Maybe having your own dedicated space is crucial for your well-being, and your partner understands that. It’s a conversation that should happen early on and both partners should be on board, or at least willing to try it and see if it’s right for your relationship.

Pros and Cons

Living apart means decorating however you want, making your own schedule, or seeing friends and relatives without feeling guilty about splitting time with your spouse. It also means seeing much less of your partner, depending on your schedules and distance and ability to come together. Sims Allen says that married couples who choose to live apart can have a “rich and intimate life that focuses on the heart of the relationship and not the daily details of existing together and running a household.” Meaning, your relationship won’t be defined by the daily stresses of whose turn it is to take out the trash or who didn’t close the kitchen cabinets. Having breaks allows your time together to be about bonding and spending quality time, instead of just time. DePaolo says that when LAT couples are together, “they focus on what they enjoy about each other and don’t spend a lot of time fretting about the small stuff.”

There are disadvantages to the arrangement, too. If there are any insecurities in the relationship, jealousy can come into play if one or both partners feels like they’re being ignored or if they worry about where their spouse is and what they’re doing.

It’s important to check in frequently and listen to how your partner is feeling about living apart.

There’s also the possibility that you’ll grow apart and seek out a new love who lives closer to home. The key to combating these challenges, according to Sims Allen, is that both partners need to remain flexible. Communicate about the fact that things aren’t working, and stay open to going the more traditional route if it’s worth it to you both. Like any relationship, it’s a process and what works well for a few months or years might not feel so ideal later on down the road.

Is It Right For You?

Having some alone time sounds amazing to most couples at some point, but make sure you’re fully committed to separate addresses and daily lives before jumping into the LAT lifestyle. Be clear about why you want to live apart and make sure one partner isn’t agreeing just to please the other. “The question becomes whether you are strong enough in your commitment to your relationship to withstand living in separate households,” Sims Allen says.

Make no firm plans about living together or apart. Do what works for the preservation of your marriage. Sims Allen says she knows of a couple where the husband lived in South Africa and the wife was in New York. They loved where they each lived, loved their jobs, and they loved each other, so they, like a growing number of couples, made it work.

“Having a place of your own just isn’t that unusual anymore” DePaulo says. “Sometimes it is living with someone else that takes some getting used to.”


Friday, January 6, 2023

My Partner and I Are "Living Apart Together," and Our Relationship Is All the Better for It

By Leah Rockwell, LPC, LCPC,Published: Aug 25, 2022, Every Monday, I wake up at 5:45 am and I drive, half-asleep, to a local pool for my morning laps, my every-other-day routine for more than 20 years. I swim in complete silence, the water blissfully making conversation impossible. I breathe deeply, sinking into my body’s rhythm, slowly awakening over the course of those 30 minutes. Then I melt into a warm shower, followed by a cup of coffee in solitude. Before daybreak, I relish the peace of not answering any questions or coordinating who’s responsible for packing lunches or doing the day’s grocery run, surrendering to this daily self-reflection practice before transitioning into my workday. And I’m able to do this despite having two daughters, ages 15 and 12, plus a committed partner with three teenage boys of his own. How? My partner and I don’t share a home, unwittingly joining the Living Apart Together (LAT) movement, and I can have these mornings when my kids are with their other parent.

Ben and I began dating several years ago, as each of us were mired in the midlife chaos of divorce and co-parenting, grieving the deaths of lives envisioned that never quite materialized. We were messy and untidy, raw and fragile, brittle and hollow. But in each other, we saw hope for order and fulfillment, if only we were willing to think differently about how to conduct our relationship.

Those who knew about us early on told us how adorable our “Brady Bunch” set-up might be; at face value, this party of seven might seem like a cute idea. Though there was validation in others’ belief that our crew had the makings of a '70s sitcom, the image of a blended family, to me, was one that was muddy and unappealing.

While I was falling deeply in love with Ben, I had pledged to be radically honest with myself and with him about my emotional truth, something that I had repeatedly failed to do during my marriage. Though I loved him, I was not remotely enamored with the idea of combining lives, families, finances, or homes. After my divorce, I realized how much I thrive on setting boundaries around my time and space; applying this same concept to my relationship, for me, has been the key to its endurance.

Five years later, this same partnership thrives. Ben and I each live in our own homes just a mile away from one another. Our co-parenting lives are designed so that we each have our children for two weeks at a time. When the kids are with their other parents for the following two weeks, we are mostly free to be together. Sometimes I invite him to stay with me; sometimes I stay with him. Occasionally, we overnight at a small home we bought together an hour away, which we like to refer to as “our baby,” the only shared legal venture we’ll likely ever have together.

On many nights, though, we are each alone. We have periods of time in which the busyness of our daily lives, especially raising teenagers, leaves us with a need to slow down and take time to recharge. By living apart, I have space for deep reflection about my life, about our relationship, and about both our shared and separate futures. I now have an unanticipated chance to listen to who I am and to sing out what love means to me.

I like to believe that the level of individuality that we maintain provides a buffer against what psychologists call the “hedonic adaptation treadmill.” In an episode of The Happiness Lab podcast titled “The Unhappy Millionaire,” Dr. Laurie Santos describes the concept as gradually becoming desensitized to experiences that initially brought us joy. For example, if you’re a chocolate lover as I am, you might agree that the first bite of that triple chocolate decadence cake is divine, all things rich and creamy. But by bite eight, we’re ready to set down the fork and push the plate away, the sweetness of the cake now cloying or the cocoa taste far too bitter, our tongues now exhausted by the same continuous flavor.

leah rockwell and her partner, ben

The writer and her partner have arranged their co-parenting agreement so they have two weeks at a stretch without kids.

Courtesy of Leah Rockwell

But because of our living arrangement and the overall flexibility in our relationship, I haven’t gotten desensitized to my time with Ben. Every time I see him, I appreciate the way he greets me, nearly always with a firm yet gentle kiss. And, while our goodbyes are gloomy, when we make plans to meet again, I feel the rush of anticipation, akin to that moment when one finally sits down to a lovely, painstakingly prepared meal at the end of an arduous day.

Heather Dempsey, also in an LAT relationship, says that after buying a home and living together for three years, she and her partner of (now) seven years decided to un-cohabitate. Though she misses waking up to his hugs and sometimes longs for nighttime cuddles, she acknowledges that separation has actually created for them a stronger and more deliberate space for emotional connection, something that physical proximity to one another sometimes stood in the way of.

“We have a really powerful attraction, with very similar insecurities and fears, so we trigger each other at the drop of a hat,” she says. Living apart, she notes, means they can take some space and react more logically and patiently to each other, rather than experiencing the volatile interactions they had when they were always in the same room. “When we lived together, I also spent most of my time and attention on him, what he was doing, what he might want and what I could do to get more of his attention,” she adds. “But now that we’re separate, I have my attention on other things.”

Ann Turner, PhD, LICSW, CEAP, a couples and family therapist who works with and is part of a blended family herself (as a child and now as an adult) shares that not living with a partner can indeed have major benefits, especially for those who desire partnership but perhaps not in all areas of their lives. “The LAT relationship model is a great idea for couples where each person wants their independent time and space while also having the advantages of being in an exclusive, long-term partnership," she says. "The set-up usually includes sleeping and/or spending time at each other’s homes for some nights of the week but not living together full time."

"Single parents who have children may find this particularly helpful because they can nurture the couple part of their relationship while also keeping their single parent role and time with their own children separate from the other person," she adds. "The LAT model also replicates what many had before they had their children, a chance to get to know and connect with your partner without the ‘noise’ of dealing with kids in the mix.”

I don’t expect everyone to understand my LAT relationship, and I fully acknowledge that we are very privileged to be in a financial position in which this lifestyle is even a choice. But nearly five years in, there’s comfort in no longer trying to explain what works for us, and the more that I surrender to the relationship as it is, the more I embrace its truths. I relish each kiss hello when we reunite. I appreciate knowing that I’m the only one to blame for an empty toilet paper roll. I know that a streak-free countertop will remain so for at least a few hours after dinner. I don’t miss negotiating who has more stuff in the entryway closet, and I certainly feel zero regret at having a bathroom sink upon which rogue whiskers have no home. Zero.

There’s comfort in no longer trying to explain what works for us.

But it’s the relational wins that outweigh the superficial annoyances that we avoid by not cohabitating. For me, I’ve come to prefer joy with only a small side dish of turmoil; being in an LAT relationship has been the answer. It demands intentionality and a daily, deliberate commitment to showing care for one another, making the effort that isn’t a natural byproduct of shared space.

Perhaps there will be a time when this approach no longer works. Maybe it will become too fragmented, not satiating or just too logistically complicated to maintain very separate lives between two emotionally intertwined souls. For now, I’ll just keep savoring every moment of my life and love, each in its own space and season.

Headshot of Leah Rockwell, LPC, LCPC

Leah Rockwell, LPC, LCPC is a licensed professional counselor in PA and MD, providing online counseling for women from a feminist and somatic-based orientation. In former lives, she was a Spanish language and sex education instructor, a school counselor and administrator, a wine vendor and she is pretty sure she was a mermaid.


The Growing Popularity of Living Apart Together in Relationships

Two Homes, One Couple: The Growing Popularity of Living Apart Together

Actress and lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow was in the tabloids recently, but not for any Hollywood-shaking incident. In fact, the GOOP forewoman made headlines simply because, after a year of marriage, she decided it was time to move in with husband Brad Falchuck.

That’s right, y’all — Paltrow kept her own digs to herself even after tying the knot back in 2018. And as it turns out, this dynamic is much more common than you think.

RELATED: 5 Questions to Ask Before Moving In Together

These relationships, in which a couple chooses to live in separate residences, are known as “living apart together” relationships (LAT, for short). And, if recent literature is any indicator, this type of amorous entanglement has become more popular, particularly among the elderly and millennials.

As Sharon Hyman, director of LAT documentary “Apartners” tells AskMen, like same sex relationships, LATs have always existed but are not spoken about as publicly. “Fortunately the tide is turning, and people are more open and accepting about what constitutes a relationship and a family,” she says. “It’s really about finding what’s right for you, regardless of what society dictates.”

To get the low-down on LAT relationships, AskMen spoke with Hyman and a number of LAT couples to figure out if living apart together could be right for you.

Why Do Couples Want to Live Apart?

Generally speaking, the younger you are, the less money you have. Therefore, many young couples remain together but live apart due to financial constraints, work, school or a combination of the three. For Jonathan Barkan, 35 and his girlfriend, 31, the two plan to move in together one day, but only when both have better planned for their future.

“For now, we basically split our time between the U.S. and Canada because that's what makes the most sense for us,” says Barkan.

When it comes to older couples, the main reason seems to be in order to remain independent. Most have been married and had children that have fled the nest. They don’t want to sacrifice their autonomy, nor do they have the time, interest or energy to start over. The biggest difference between the two? Most young couples wish to move in with their partners some day, whereas older couples, like Deborah, 49 and Mike 59, have no such plans.

“We are often faced with explaining this arrangement to people, especially because of the assumption that it must be temporary, and that we must be seeking ways to establish one residence,” explains Deborah. “We have no immediate plans to minimize the distance and move in together, nor do we have plans to marry, and yet we are fully committed for the long haul. We feel more connected and married in all the best ways.”

According to Hyman, many couples prefer to live apart to keep the family unit intact if they have children from a previous relationship.

“Many experts say this can be healthier for the children than introducing a new adult into the equation,” she says. “Not to mention, sometimes people have very different schedules, lifestyles or even standards for cleanliness. All of which are non-issues when you live in separate residences.”

Are There Advantages of Living Apart Together (LAT) Relationships?

Independence is without a doubt the biggest advantage cited for LAT relationships. People can enjoy their time to themselves while also experiencing the benefits of intimacy, and that warm fuzzy feeling that surges through your body when in love.

They also tend to experience less conflict, as separate living spaces offer time to cool down and retreat from their partner when they’re feeling frustrated. This gives the couple time to better think things out instead of reacting quickly without much thought. In addition, LATs also feel that when they do see each other, they value the time more as they aren’t together every day, all day. Basically, they’re more likely to make the effort to make each moment count.

Barkan, a resident of Ann Arbor, Michigan, loves that he and his partner, who lives in Toronto, get to share their cities with each other. “Part of the fun of being long-distance is that when one of us visits, the other can share what makes their little corner of the world so special,” he says. “It also helps figure out what is going to be best when we decide to make the next step, such as what kind of place we want to live, which country, what is important in the areas where we live, etc.”

As for Deborah, she sees her relationship with Mike as “a Venn diagram” — each have their own individual circle unique to them, but there’s also some overlap going on with things that they share.

“I think we both feel like the solitude refreshes us for the togetherness and the togetherness gives us a fresh start every week to do our own personal best, to be productive and to do meaningful things, and then to come back together again and again.”

LAT relationships are also easier to end. It may not sound romantic, but walking away from a relationship where there are no shared assets – mainly a house and the possessions within them – is a lot easier to do when a split is on the horizon.

Are There Disadvantages of Living Apart Together (LAT) Relationships?

For Jonathan, the biggest disadvantage is the planning. “It's hard to make plans with friends because we don't know where one of us will be on a given weekend,” he says. “It also makes little things, like being home for packages, that much harder because I may be gone for a few weeks or she'll be with me for a long while. We have to plan around these things that many people don't really think about.”

For others, like Janice, 59, it is the costs associated with living alone that weigh on her most. If she lived with her partner, who currently lives just 14 minutes away, these fees would be halved.

Janice adds that, while she is not one who is prone to ask for a hug if she’s feeling down, “it’s nice to get that when you’re with your partner and can tell they’re not themselves.” She also says living apart can sacrifice spontaneity in a relationship, using a spur-of-the-moment hike at 7 a.m. as an example.

“I would also suspect that people who have trust issues would find living apart a real challenge because you don’t know what’s going on with your partner 24/7,” she says. “Fortunately, that has never been a problem for us.”

As you can imagine, living apart together is truly just about embracing the fact that relationships don’t have to follow a certain formula. Instead, like every couple, they are unique, and different things work for different people. To think every relationship should conform to one singular model is foolish. If living apart is working for you and you’re happy with the way things are, keep them that way. As they say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

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Friday, May 20, 2022

15 Worst Types of Bad Girlfriends Who Will Make Your Life a Living Hell


Do you think you have a bad girlfriend? Check out these types of bad girlfriends and decide whether you need to reconsider your relationship status!

bad girlfriend types

A great girlfriend can make your life feel like a walk in the clouds. On the other hand, a bad girlfriend will surely make your life feel like hell! Bad partners don’t just create problems in a relationship, they give love a bad name. There are many types of bad girlfriends who will make you wonder whether love is really worth the hassle.

Every time someone has a bad relationship, they blame love for it, or they mentally convince themselves that they’ll never fall in love again. But the truth is, love doesn’t ever feel terrible. It never leaves us unhappy. It is bad experiences, and most importantly, the people involved that leave us upset or broken.

Choosing the right person is hard. How can you be sure what they’re really like when everyone is still on their best behavior? That’s why love is such a gamble.

However, when it works out, it’s the very best gamble of them all. When it doesn’t work, it’s a literal type of hell. [Read: The 20 kinds of lovers in the world and your compatibility with them]

Bad girlfriends and bad experiences

If you ever find yourself stuck in a relationship where it’s just not working out, it’s easier to end it and just move on. However, that’s only easy if it’s still the early stages. When things progress and you start to get really attached, it’s extremely easy to overlook bad behavior or make excuses for it.

After all, we’re all different and even if we’re perfect by ourselves, we may not feel so perfect in the arms of someone who isn’t right for us. Compatibility matters a lot for successful love. [Read: 50 questions for new couples to test your compatibility]

However, if you’ve had a bad experience, it’s hard to let it go. You’ll allow it to fester in your mind and it will affect your relationships ten-fold.

Before you know it, you’re blaming a new partner for what a former partner did. Taking baggage from an old relationship into a new one is extremely easy. It’s also one of the main reasons why relationships fail at the beginning.

When you’ve had a bad girlfriend, you’ll probably find yourself put off love for a while. However, don’t let one bad experience stop you from finding someone who will treat you much better.

How can you tell if she’ll be a bad girlfriend?

You may have read all the features and relationship tips on LovePanky about how to be a great boyfriend, and you may even think you’ve got what it takes to be the ideal mate. But no matter how nice, understanding and perfect you are, the person you’re dating could ruin the whole experience of love for you. [Read: 23 foolproof relationship tips for men to be the best lover you can be]

It’s not their fault really. Sometimes, a few girls you date may not realize they’re doing something wrong. Or, worse, they may assume they’re right and you’re completely wrong!

The easiest way to know if a girl you’re on a date with has bad girlfriend potential is by trusting your instincts. It doesn’t take more than a couple of dates to know if you’re compatible.

The first date is a great litmus test. However, it’s possible that the girl you’re dating may be troubled by a bad state of mind on the very first date. That could cause you to write off her potential before you’ve really got to know her.

Of course, you could always use the second date to see if both of you can hit it off. [Read: 15 easy but effective first date tips to charm the girl in no time]

So, in short, there’s no solid way to know if she’s good or bad girlfriend material that early on. All you can do is trust your gut and know a few signs to be aware of.

15 types of bad girlfriends who’ll make your life hell

If you’re on a date with a girl or have started dating a girl recently, keep an eye on these types of girlfriends who’ll make your life a living hell. Then, you can decide whether you want to get the hell out of there or not!

1. The extremely clingy girl

When a girl is addicted to you or loves you a lot, it’s obvious that she’ll want to spend a lot of time with you. But has your girlfriend crossed the line separating ‘want to be with you’ and ‘can’t do anything without you’?

When a girlfriend gets too clingy, she may not realize it herself, but she’d start to suffocate you. And most importantly, she’ll stop growing as an individual. She’ll end up a boring extension of you.

That’ll leave you annoyed, and leave her more confused than ever about why you’re distancing yourself. [Read: 21 really clingy girlfriend signs and ways to avoid it]

2. The obsessive possessive girlfriend

Your girlfriend’s possessiveness could seem flattering at first. Yet, if she hates it when you do anything without her, or go out anywhere with your friends, you may start to hit trouble.

A possessive girlfriend will always feel insecure each time you meet another girl, even if it’s just a friend. Before you know it, both of you will be fighting every time you go out or meet anyone.

3. The user

There are a few girls who see you as a great guy, able to introduce her to a better world. You may be the guy who’s got a lot of connections, or the guy who’s cooler than everyone else. She may believe that being seen around you could open a lot of doors for her.

The relationship may start out perfectly. Yet, within a few dates, you may find that she’s more eager to go out with your friends and have a nice time than cozy up with you on a romantic date.

As time goes by, once she’s used you as a stepping stone and doesn’t need you anymore, she may even start to ignore you or pick flaws constantly. [Read: The big signs your girlfriend’s using you to get something out of you]

4. The unapologetic girlfriend

Are you dating a girl who just can’t apologize or admit her mistake? She may apologize in jest for trivial things but not the things that matter. In that case, she would prefer to give you the silent treatment than accept fault.

Out of all of the types of bad girlfriends, this is a scary one. She may seem like a sweet girl who’s a lot of fun. But in reality, she may be extremely egoistical and will break you rather than accept defeat.

She believes she can never make mistakes, and she’s too proud to ever admit it. Remember, giving in to each other now and then is a big and important part of a happy relationship. You’ll just be walking into a trap where you’re the only one hurt and feeding her ego regularly. [Read: Why you should never make this girl your priority when you’re only an option to her]

5. The whiner

This kind of a bad girlfriend always whines. She complains and never has anything positive to add to the conversation. She talks about how bad her work is, how sad her life is, and how depressed she always is.

If your girlfriend can’t ever just see the bright or happy side of anything, she’s probably too negative. Her negativity will rub off on you and you’d feel drained and tired each time you meet her.

6. The confused girlfriend

This is the type of girlfriend who just doesn’t know what she wants. She’s always confused between choices and is almost always unsure about any decision she takes.

She even flirts with other guys constantly and probably sees you as the standby boyfriend who she calls when she’s not getting attention from anyone else.

And the worst part is that she may even ditch you for another guy if she finds someone better than you. Dating this kind of a girl will leave you weak and shattered. It’ll be a big blow to your self-confidence because no matter how good you are, she’d always want something more. [Read: 20 signs she’s leading you on and taking you nowhere!]

7. The dominating and demanding girlfriend

She’s the kind of girl who is full of expectations and demands all the time. It’s true that she’s a control freak and always wants things done her way. Plus, she’s bossy and expects you to do as she says all the time.

You may be a nice guy who cares for his girl, but for this kind of a girlfriend, that’s not enough. She loves being bossy and wants to control your life and everything in it. [Read: 20 glaring signs of a control freak]

8. The over-opinionated girlfriend

Opinions are good, and opposing opinions can be healthy at times. But this type of girlfriend takes it too far.

She’s got her own opinions and she’s too rigid to change them no matter what you say, or even if she’s wrong. She changes her mind only when she wants to, or if her friends convince her. No matter how hard you try, she just doesn’t trust your opinions or suggestions.

9. The sneaky snoop

She snoops on you all the time, the very second she gets an opportunity to do so. You may be loyal and truthful, but she still sees a reason to doubt your intentions all the time. She spies on you, looks through your cell phone, and calls and interrogates your friends even if you say you were late because you had to meet a friend.

She won’t trust you because she probably has trust issues. Unless you’re okay with her constant doubts and interrogations, avoid dating a girl who never trusts you. [Read: 10 reasons your partner has trust issues and 10 ways to fix it for them]

10. The nice girl with no opinions at all

She seems like a great girl. She doesn’t complain or oppose you in any way. But she’s just way too accommodating, no matter what you say or do.

She just has no opinions for herself, and no matter how many times you ask her, she just doesn’t have anything to suggest.

You may think she’s coy and too timid, but this kind of a girlfriend is just like like a ticking time bomb. You may assume she’s okay with anything you do or anyplace you take her, but she may only be holding her opinions and thoughts back for some reason.

Once she snaps out of it, she may even start cold-shouldering you or giving you the silent treatment when you upset her, instead of communicating with you. [Read: 21 real reasons why couples end up drifting in a relationship]

11. The fighter

This girl is scary when she gets angry. Her face reddens with rage and she quivers like she’s going to explode. She may even punch you or make a scene when she gets angry because she’s too hot-tempered. All she sees is red when she gets angry.

If you can tread around her hot temper, that’s good for you. But if you just want to be yourself and not cower in fear each time she gets angry, stay away from this girl.

12. The I-make-you-insecure girlfriend

This kind of a girlfriend may be a nice girl, but she’s too flirty and too friendly for her own good.

She gets really friendly with other guys. She might even go on dates with other guys even though she’s dating you “exclusively”. Even when you point out that a guy she was talking to was trying to hit on her, she pretends to be oblivious! [Read: 25 truthful reasons why girls cheat so easily on their guy]

Dating a girl like this will leave you tired and insecure. She won’t change for you. And somehow, every guy she talks to will believe she’s still available!

13. The martyr girlfriend

This kind of girlfriend resorts to emotional blackmail and manipulation to get things done her way. She may be very helpful and sweet, and may even go out of her way to be nice to you.

But, when she wants something, she uses emotional blackmail to twist your arm and get back at you. She may constantly use lines like “I do so much for you…”, “after all I’ve done for you, can’t you do this little thing for me…?”

The type of girlfriend will drive you crazy and have you tying yourself up in knots. Manipulation in a relationship is never okay, and that’s exactly what she’s doing to you. [Read: 16 reasons why people find it so easy to take you for granted!]

14. The parents’ pet

This girl is very close to her parents, be it her mom or her dad. No matter what you say or how much you try to convince her of something, she can never decide anything without talking to her parents about it.

She talks about everything you say with her mom or dad, and after hanging up the phone, turns around and tells you her opinion *which is almost always the opinions of her parents*.

If a girl does this, it may mean she’s really close to her parents and trusts their judgment more than yours. Or worse, she may believe you’re not man enough to make decent decisions yourself! [Read: 15 signs to recognize a selfish person and 5 ways to stop them from hurting you]

15. The chronically dissatisfied girlfriend

She constantly compares your lives with others, especially when they’re doing something fun. She checks Instagram or Facebook, sees all her friends who are vacationing, and whines about how unhappy she is, or just how underpaid you are. No matter what you do or where you take her, her happiness is always momentary only.

She may be happy for a few hours, but as soon as she sees her friend and her boyfriend doing something, she starts comparing her own relationship all over again.

You can try your best, but this type of girlfriend constantly compares your relationship with others, and will always believe that other couples are always happier than both of you and she’ll always want more!

[Read: 15 reasons why nice guys get taken for granted and finish last all the time]

If you’re dating a girl and see any of these types of girlfriends in her, talk to her about it. And if that conversation doesn’t fix it, perhaps it’s best for you to walk away before she makes you feel miserable and broken on the inside!


Thursday, September 30, 2021

The 10 Point Guide To Moving On After A Breakup

 How to take back your power.

Why is it that breakups are so devastating? We’ve all gone through them before, and we know from experience that we are capable of finding someone else somewhere down the line. Yet, going through a breakup can feel like the end of the world and keep us out of commission for days, weeks, or months.

A breakup isn’t just about the loss of a person — it’s about the loss of a future that you expected to live.

The future plans, the future wedding, the future kids, the future house, the future future…gone in the blink of an eye.

Of course you’ll experience a wide range of emotions during the process. Sadness, anger, regret…but none of these give you the power to decide how you’re going to move forward with your life.

    Here are 10 things you need to do in order to take back your power and get yourself back on track:

1: Cut your ex out completely.

Yeah, I know — this doesn’t work if you have kids, were married, had a house, a pet, or shared a mutual obligation.

The point here is setting boundaries.

If any of the above circumstances are true, only allow conversations about those circumstances.

Otherwise, no chit-chat, no flirty texts, no entertaining going back to him or her.

This means unfollowing them on social media, removing any temptation to contact them, and restricting their access to you however you can.

Why is this so important?

Because you need mental and emotional space to get clarity and begin the process of moving on. If you’re always scrolling through their photos, watching their stories to see who they’re with, or having their name pop up on your phone from a late-night text, you’re going to have a much harder time separating yourself from the emotions of it all.

If necessary, communicate these wishes to your ex so they back off and give you some space. If they don’t respect your wishes, you can easily find the block button.

2: Stop romanticizing the past.

One of the most typical things we do when looking back at our now-previous relationship is remembering all of the amazing times we had together.

And, no doubt, there were quite a few of them. There is no ignoring that, and those should be celebrated and looked back on with fondness.

However, the relationship still ended for a reason (or reasonS) which likely accumulated over time.

And, if you allow yourself to look back with an unbiased lens, you’ll start seeing all of the things that ultimately led to the breakup.

The arguments, the differences in values, the fights over small things, the annoying habits or rituals they had that bothered the hell out of you…

To begin the process of moving on, you first need to have a clear view of exactly what and who you’re moving on from. If you paint an unrealistically rosy picture in your head of what you thought the relationship was like, you’ll never recognize it for what it truly was.

3: Allow yourself to feel the emotions.

    Breakups suck. They’re difficult, lonely, and overwhelming.

I remember reading once that women tend to move on quicker after breakups than men do (obviously neither is this scientific nor universally true…) but hear me out on the reasoning:

Men tend to avoid their feelings more than women do (traditionally), or try to “move on” by sleeping with someone else, going out drinking with their friends, or finding some other distraction to avoid thinking about the reality of the situation.

What does this do? It extends the amount of time it’s going to take him to face reality, making the moving on process even longer.

On the other hand, women will face the emotions head on. They’ll dive deeper into the valley of their feelings and call some friends, have a few good cries, and process the breakup fully.

Then, much sooner than the man will, they’ll be able to move on because they’ve come to terms with what has happened.

    The man will look at the woman and wonder how she moved on so quickly, while she’ll be wondering why he hasn’t yet.

I said “valley” earlier because that’s how I visually process this theory. If you imagine a deep, sharp, steep valley — the physical distance between the peaks is much shorter than a valley that is wide, spread out, but more shallow.

The more shallow valley may not be as painful or treacherous, but the distance across is it is much further, extending the time it takes to get there.

Needless to say, this conversation isn’t gender-specific and you could bring up examples of the roles being reversed in the given scenario, but the lesson remains the same:

Without fully processing the feelings, you’ll never fully move past them.

4: Reconnect where you lost touch.

Being excited about a new relationship can be all-consuming. You might be spending most of your time with them, going on adventures, creating new routines and traditions, planning a future together, and being generally consumed in each other’s existence.

The result of this is obvious: You often lose touch with friends, or even family.

It’s not intentional, it’s not malicious, it might not even be something you’re aware of — until you stop and look back on it.

Wow, I haven’t seen XYZ in months!

Now is the time to give them a call — if they’ll take it.

Reconnect with the people and things you lost touch with. Hobbies, passions, that side business you wanted to start…and yes, yourself. Rebuild the foundation of your life any way you see fit.

5: Focus on productive healing methods, not destructive.

Examples of productive healing methods are things like meditation, going hard on your fitness routine, going on adventures, traveling, getting yourself a new wardrobe or changing up your personal style…

Destructive methods are ways of coping that are harmful to your mental, emotional, or physical health. They are more avoidant and can do more harm than good over time.

However, they’re also much easier to fall into because they require less effort and are more easily accessible.

Sure — indulgences can be fun and help to give yourself a little break, but they are not a long term solution, nor do they honor who you are and how much value you have.

Let yourself sink into the couch and crack open that bottle of wine. Have a good cry over that sappy movie — and then, tomorrow, get off your ass and channel your energy into something productive.

6: Let go of guilt.

There will be thoughts swirling around in your head about all of the things you could’ve done differently. The things you never said. The arguments that shouldn’t have happened. The list goes on.

The fact of the matter is that, unless you directly caused the breakup through cheating, abuse, or some other betrayal — breakups are rarely the fault of one person because of one singular reason.

Take solace in the fact that you did the best you could with what you had during the time of the relationship. We all learn and grow over time and the hardships of life eventually serve as our lessons — but in the moments you’ll be thinking back on, these lessons hadn’t come your way yet.

The hard truth about relationships is that sometimes, they simply don’t work out. People are in different phases of life, want different things, have different perspectives, or hold different values.

If you can honestly remind yourself that you showed up every day as your most true and authentic self and gave your partner and the relationship the love and care they deserved — then rest easily that your actions did not break, nor could they have saved, the relationship.

7: Identify the learning experiences.

I mentioned earlier that we all learn new things from hardships in life — but this is only true if we choose to.

You didn’t “waste time” in a relationship if you learned more about what you do and don’t want moving forward.

Every relationship affords us learning experiences that help us gain clarity around who we are and what’s truly important to us.

It also shows us where we let our boundaries and standards slide, which we can recognize and pledge not to do again.

No matter how long or short your time together was, if you are willing to be honest with yourself, you can identify both the good and the bad to look for the next time you meet someone new.

Which, you will.

8: Start “getting out there” again.

Speaking of meeting new people, it’s a necessary part of moving on after a breakup.

Note: Obviously, wait until you are emotionally ready to start dating again.

But, you don’t need to be at this point in order to go out and have fun. Call your friends, go on a solo-hike, pursue the passions that you’ve been putting off for too long.

Take an art class.

Go rent a bike and ride around the city.

Go to a movie by yourself.

Do something to get the social momentum going again.

Putting yourself in different atmospheres with better energy will help you remember that the world is vast and extends far beyond one person or partnership.

While you already know this intuitively, it’s a much more powerful experience to get off of your couch and immerse yourself in it.

The world is waiting for you — don’t be late.

9: Don’t imagine a future that didn’t exist.

Earlier we talked about the “highlight reel” of your relationship and why you shouldn’t romanticize the past while forgetting the negatives.

Equally as important, is not to create a future-that-never-was inside your mind.

“But, we were going to do XYZ!”

The truth is that nobody knows what tomorrow is going to bring, and while we may have plans, we never know exactly how they’re going to work out — or if they’re going to at all.

You may have a vision in your mind of exactly what your life with your ex was going to look like, but many times that ends up changing as life goes on.

Not always in a bad way — just not in the exact way you imagined.

So, by mourning a future that was never guaranteed to exist, it’s like being sad about an imaginary friend passing away.

It’s never truly gone, because the only place it ever existed is in your mind — which means you can visit it anytime.

And, you’ve still got a chance of it coming true, just with a different (and better suited for you) partner.

10: Be honest with yourself about your timeline.

It’s been said that we shouldn’t rush love, but we also shouldn’t rush moving on from it.

One of the worst things you can do to yourself and to someone else is to start dating again when you’re not truly ready to emotionally invest in someone new.

This only leads down a road of comparison to your ex, baggage, and inevitable heartbreak.

It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means you weren’t fully capable of bringing yourself to a new relationship.

Moving on takes time, especially if you lived an intertwined life or were together for multiple years. But, if you rush it, you’ll find yourself back at square one more than you’d like, and facing heartbreak even more often because you moved too quickly.

It’s just like when an athlete gets injured — they have two choices:

Go through the proper healing and rehabilitation process in order to come back even stronger than before…


Push too hard too fast and risk re-injury that might be more severe and more painful than before.

The most important thing about breakups is knowing yourself and what process works best for you. Everyone handles difficult times in different ways and honoring your method is paramount.

So, let me know — what has been most helpful to you in the past, and what takeaways were most powerful for you in this article?

James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 38 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.


Friday, September 10, 2021

Relationship Rules: 30 Must-Know Tips to Live Your Best Love Life!


Relationship rules don’t have to be boring and overwhelming. Love consists of both the good and bad, and rules prevent you from having the worst relationship experience. While pain and heartbreak are both inevitable, the right relationship rules guide you to experience love like a bed of roses.

It won’t be perfect, but it won’t destroy and sabotage your sanity entirely. The thing is, love is the most beautiful and extraordinary experience in the world, and the right relationship rules help you in achieving and living that dream love life.

[Read: 16 commonly believed relationship tips that ruin your love life]

The right relationship rules for successful love

There are a few relationship rules that can change a drifting relationship into a romantic one. Love isn’t as easy as the movies make it seem because it takes consistent effort and hard work to make a relationship last.

Not the kind of effort where it feels like a job, but the kind where you actually want to make the effort. Using the right kind of relationship rules, you will have the wisdom to make your relationship work.

After all, isn’t that what everyone wants – to prove that love can actually last a lifetime? Someone once said that falling in love should be effortless. True, falling in love is easy, but staying in love always needs a bit of work.

[Read: How to have a good relationship that gets better with each new day]

Why are relationship rules important?

Without relationship rules, you’ll lack guidance and wisdom on what’s the right and wrong way of taking care of your relationship. While there’s no one-size-fits-all approach in making a relationship last, these relationship rules are often agreed by the majority that these are the right approach.

Whether it’s seeking a healthy relationship or making your relationship last forever, rules are very beneficial in this situation. You might not realize it right away, but the lack of rules can also cause a lack of structure and direction in your relationship.

As a result, it becomes complacent and negligent, which leads to a relationship falling apart. By knowing the advisable relationship rules to follow, you’d be taking care of your relationship better. And everyone involved will be a lot happier too! [Read: 15 rules to be a good partner in a relationship & wow your lover]

30 relationship rules that matter more than all others

Follow these relationship rules in your own relationship, irrespective of whether it’s a new or old romance. As long as you’re committed to creating a better relationship, you’ll have no trouble creating a magical experience out of love.

1. Love your partner unconditionally

Try your best to love your partner unconditionally even if it seems hard not to be selfish. The very definition of love is to make someone happy the best way you can, even if it means sacrificing a part of your own happiness.

More than joy, love is also about sacrifice. Love your partner without expecting anything in return, and they’ll return the favor by loving you in the purest way possible. [Read: How to love unconditionally – Stop screwing up and start loving instead]

2. Look from your partner’s perspective

Sometimes, we’re so focused on following through with our own perspective that we forget to see things from our partner’s perspective.

Think from your partner’s perspective when it comes to matters of the heart. A relationship is all about partnership and in that partnership, you need to be open to their perspective as well – not just your own. [Read: How to develop empathy and master the art of growing a real heart]

3. End an argument immediately

End an argument as soon as possible, even if hugging your partner is the last thing on your mind. In taking note of these relationship rules, remember that love is a choice rather than a decision.

If you want your relationship to flourish and thrive, choose your partner over winning the argument. It’s pointless to prolong an argument if you end up losing your partner altogether. [Read: How to fight fair in a relationship and grow closer]

4. Make love regularly

Make love regularly, but never allot time for it. Scheduling time for sex makes it seem like a chore that can start to become a bore. Sex should become an activity you both enjoy to become intimate and connected with one another.

It shouldn’t feel like a routine, but it shouldn’t be done rarely either. Make sure you find the right balance in making love with your partner.

5. Have effective communication

Communication is the key to any working relationship, so if you want your relationship to really beat the odds, you need to learn to communicate. This means even when conflict is present, you don’t shy away from confrontation.

Communicate with each other and grow together in love, but never grow apart with a lack of communication as the years pass by. [Read: How to communicate in a relationship – 14 steps to a better love]

6. Give each other space

Couples often give each other space so you can miss one another healthily and you can do your individual things. Learn to give space to each other to become better individuals. Even the closest of relationships need some alone time to miss each other now and then.

There’s nothing bad with having space as it can help you love each other better when do you come together again. Of course, there’s still such thing as healthy space and too much space. [Read: How to give space in a relationship the right way so you feel close instead of drifting apart]

7. Don’t take each other for granted

One of the most important relationship rules to take note of is to never take your partner for granted. This is the easiest way to fall prey to affairs and arguments.

You’ll create a lot of friction and conflict in your relationship when you always assume they’ll be there for you all the time without appreciating their efforts.

8. White lies aren’t a bad thing

Say a white lie when you need to, especially if it’s a little lie that won’t change your relationship, but will make your partner feel happy.

Of course, it’s not an excuse to make a habit of saying a white lie *by all means, tell her how she looks better in that other dress!* It’s okay to do so occasionally, but not to the point where it’s all you say.

9. Never shy away from positive criticism

As long as you say it constructively, it’ll help your partner become a better person. Don’t feel offended when they say something you can use to improve yourself. Remember that constructive criticism is a good thing and isn’t something they’re saying to put you down.

You never know, your partner could have a point and you can use that feedback to grow. Would you rather be comforted with a lie or be offended by the truth? [Read: The worst mistakes couples make in a relationship]

10. Always be there for them

You’re the person they should run to when something happens to them. Whether they have a good or bad day, always be there for them. Tough times are the most frustrating phase of a relationship.

Stand by your partner, and when the storm ends, your love will shine brighter. This is one of the relationship rules to keep in mind as nobody wants a partner who leaves when things get tough. [Read: How to know if someone is right for you – 32 clear signs you’ve found the one]

11. Show affection publicly; argue privately

Never argue in public, but indulge in public display of affection. Any misunderstanding or conflict between you should be discussed behind the doors so you don’t end up embarrassing your partner.

However, don’t hesitate to express your love through simple physical gestures. Hold their hand, put your arm around them, kiss them! [Read: How to be a genuinely happy couple that’s envied by all other couples]

12. Keep dating each other

Just because you’ve been together for years, doesn’t mean you need to stop dating them. In fact, this is one of the relationship rules that will keep your sparks and chemistry alive. Don’t forget to have occasional date nights intentionally, not just when there’s nothing else to do.

Date nights are how you can spend quality time with your partner without any interruptions or distractions.

13. Take care of yourself

Don’t get lazy in your relationship. Just because you’ve been together for so long, doesn’t mean you should stop trying to look attractive. Get those abs, exercise, and do whatever it takes to maintain your attractiveness.

Your physical features might not be the only reason they fell for you, but it does play a part. [Read: How to be sexy, look sexy and feel sexy without even trying too hard]

14. Compliment your partner

Compliments are the best way to thank a special someone for the effort they’ve taken for you, however small it may be. It’s simple yet effective enough in making their day and reminding them how much you adore them.

15. Celebrate the special days

Birthdays and anniversaries may repeat themselves too many times, but it’s these milestones that create memories. These special occasions mark another step in your relationship, and it’s worth celebrating.

It’s also your rare opportunity to show your partner how much you appreciate everything they’ve done and how they’re the best thing to happen to you. It’s one of the underrated relationship rules, but equally as significant as the others in this list. [Read: The 25 best relationship topics to talk about if you want to be happy in love]

16. Don’t put your partner down

Never intentionally try to make your partner feel bad or look bad. It’ll leave a lasting scar that can hurt the relationship. The only thing you should do is lift them and support them every way you can.

You can give constructive feedback, but don’t intentionally attack their insecurities and weaknesses. Otherwise, you might as well prepare to lose them.

17. Learn to forgive

Forgiveness is the one relationship rule you should never ignore. The key to any long-lasting relationship is forgiving each other over and over throughout the span of your relationship.

Stop holding grudges, no matter how easy this tendency is. We’re not perfect and you should expect that both of you are going to make several mistakes throughout your relationship. [Read: How to forgive someone: 15 positive ways to unburden your mind]

18. Respect your partner wholeheartedly

Respect is another one of the relationship rules that people choose to ignore. However, respect is the foundation for both trust and love. If you don’t trust your partner, then how can you expect to feel the love?

19. Be okay with your partner having other admirations

Your partner will have several crushes even if they’re committed to you – and that’s okay. Understand that your partner can have crushes on others too. It’s a difficult thought, but if you can admire someone else, so can your partner. [Read: How to handle a crush when you’re in a relationship with someone]

20. Trust your partner – and your gut

Trust is everything in a relationship. Without trusting them wholeheartedly, then it’s not a relationship that can work.

However, you should also learn to trust your gut when needed. If something doesn’t feel right, go with your gut instinct. [Read: How to build trust in a relationship and make it last]

21. Don’t badmouth each other

This seems like common sense, but a lot of couples end up attacking and cursing one another in anger. This is exactly what leads to toxic relationships, which is why it’s one of the important relationship rules to follow. Never grumble or badmouth each other even if you’re tempted to, out of anger or frustration.

22. Always spend quality time together

Quality time doesn’t always have to be exhausting or elaborate. Sometimes, it can be something simple like a homemade dinner or maybe running errands together. Quality time is how you make one another feel loved and rekindle your chemistry.

Learn to spend quality time with each other. There’s no better way to fall more in love with each other as the relationship grows.

23. Behave like children now and then

A few pillow fights or cute wrestles can never hurt anyone. Not only is it fun, but it can help both of you enjoy the relationship. There’s no better feeling than having a pillow fight or laughing until you cry with your partner.

24. Be spontaneous with your affection

Don’t always wait for special occasions or moments to express your love. Spontaneous surprises are always happier than planned surprises.

It doesn’t have to be Valentine’s day or your anniversary to spoil them with an elaborate dinner or amazing gift. In fact, the best feeling is to be surprised on an ordinary day. [Read: The 25 sweetest romantic gestures for everyday life]

25. Stop comparing

This is one of those important relationship rules, so pay close attention! Stop comparing your relationship with others as no relationship is going to be alike, ever.

Instead of learning from someone else’s relationship, learn from your own relationship’s successes and failures. [Read: Self concept – What it is and what makes it very important for your happiness]

26. Be their best friend

The best feeling is when your partner isn’t just the love of your life, but also your best friend. Having a friendship outside the relationship avoids a lot of fights and conflicts. This means they understand you more than anyone else, even when you’re being extremely difficult.

27. Watch how they say, “I love you”

These powerful three words don’t always need to be said out loud. They can say it in the form of gestures, quality time, physical touch, or even gifts.

This is otherwise known as love language. Everyone has different ways of showing love, so pay close attention. [Read: How to show someone you love them: 41 sure-fire ways]

28. Don’t make decisions when you’re angry or upset

Our negative emotions are so powerful that they can cloud our judgment and logic. One of the big relationship rules is to not make decisions based on your anger or frustration.

Don’t walk out that door, break up with them, or curse them. Most likely, you’ll regret everything by the time you feel more logical.

29. Don’t try to rise above your partner

A power struggle is often seen in relationships. When taking note of these relationship rules, remember that a relationship will always be about partnership and friendship – nothing else.

You’re not superior or inferior to your partner. What you lack, the other makes up for. Always keep this in mind before trying to control your partner. [Read: 14 ways to overcome power struggles in a relationship]

30. Choose each other every day

As much as love starts as a feeling, it develops into a choice. Relationships last not because you’ll always feel the butterflies in your stomach, but because you make a constant decision to love them each day.

Even when they frustrate or irritate you, the choice lies in making things work and not leaving just because things are difficult. That’s what love is.

[Read: Love is a choice: Why only you can make love happen]

So, what are relationship rules for?

Relationship rules exist not to make your relationship boring and rigid, but to increase the chances of it lasting and growing healthier. Without the proper structure and guidance, there’s no way of knowing if you’re doing the right or wrong things. For all you know, you could be pushing your partner away without realizing it.

[Read: What is true love? 22 signs of real love to know if your love is real]

These relationship rules could seem simple, but following them can make all the difference between a romantic relationship and a failed affair. They can transform neglect and complacency into romance and commitment.

Liked what you just read? Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, we’ll be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life.

Preeti Tewari

A true believer in the beauty of life and the world we live in, Preeti Tewari finds every excuse to lose herself in nature, be it smelling flowers on a stree...


Monday, August 30, 2021

Selfish People: 20 Ways To Spot and Stop Them From Emptying You

By Preeti Tewari, Selfish people are some of the worst people you can surround yourself with. All they do is think about themselves. So, how do you deal with them exactly?

How to deal with selfish people

If you’re traumatized by a selfish person in your own life, don’t hate yourself for it. A lot of people have been deceived by this selfishness and it’s not something you should hate yourself for. No one really realizes that a partner or a friend is selfish at the beginning of the relationship.

You’d only see the signs when it’s too late, and there’s little you can do to change their behavior after that. A selfish person rarely ever changes until they actually see an issue in their behavior.

What makes a person selfish?

A selfish person cares only for their own pleasures, even if it causes pain to someone else. A lot of factors should be considered when asking what makes a person selfish.

Maybe they were so hurt to the point of changing their heart entirely for the worse, maybe it’s in their nature, maybe they had a terrible childhood, or maybe they just lack empathy to care for others. Understanding the factors doesn’t change the facts, but it can help you see things from their perspective.

They have no consideration for anyone else and worry only about their own comfort. Selfish people are well-mannered and nice to everyone, but they’re nice only as long as they get something more back in return from the people around them.

No matter the reason behind their selfishness, nothing is valid enough to excuse their painful behavior. Selfish people are incapable of compromise and understanding, no matter how hard you try to get your point across to them.

Don’t take it personally – it’s just who they are. One of the easiest ways to recognize a selfish partner or a friend is their trait of always extracting more from you, and yet, they never give anything back to you in equal measures.

You’re always the one who ends up exhilarated and empty rather than the other way around. Ironic, isn’t it? [Read: 10 signs your partner is only using you]

Selfish people aren’t selfish with everyone

Selfish people subconsciously pick and choose the people they would want to use and trample on. They don’t go looking for people to hurt. Their selfishness levels vary from person to person, depending on your level of intimidation.

For instance, if they feel intimidated by you, they might not bring out their selfish nature. Rather, they’d choose someone innocent and naive. Selfish people are people pleasers, and appear needy and vulnerable, to begin with.

They’d pamper you, care for you, and love you until you drop your guard down and welcome them into your life and give them your whole heart. This sounds extremely harsh, but it’s a terrible truth.

This is why it’s so important to know the signs of selfish people – to actively avoid them before you get sucked into their trap. [Read: 10 types of toxic friends you need to avoid in your life]

The mind of selfish people

If you’re in a relationship with someone selfish, the best of luck to you as it’s practically impossible dealing with them. As long as they don’t benefit anything from a situation, they wouldn’t give you anything in return.

The thing is, even if a selfish person ends up giving you something, they expect to get something back. This is the exact opposite of what unconditional love is, which makes them the worst friends and lovers.

When you’re in a relationship with a selfish person, they would continue to extract your love and your affections. However, they’d stop giving any love or affection back in return which would leave you feeling weak, unappreciated, and miserable.

Selfish people want the world to revolve around them and nobody else. They want everything to be done under their terms and conditions without sacrificing what they want. Again, they’re incapable of compromise. [Read: 12 signs you’re walking on eggshells in your love life]

So why did you fall prey to this selfish person?

In a perfectly happy relationship between friends or lovers, both the involved people consider each other as equals. But when a selfish partner or friend starts to believe that they’re more important than the other partner in the relationship, they’d convince themselves that their partner needs them more than they need their partner.

You fell into this trap because you thought they were genuinely sweet and lovely, or maybe you thought you’d have a significant relationship with them. They make you feel on top of the world and loved when it matters but you failed to realize, this is all a facade.

It’s frankly easy to fall for a selfish person, but it’s much harder to get out of that relationship. Selfish people are very much capable of manipulation and as long as it benefits them in some way, they’ll want you to stay.

If you’re being used by a selfish friend who sees you as an emotionally weak target, you may even find yourself confused and lost. You may wonder why you’re the only one feeling miserable around this selfish person while everyone else thinks so highly of them.

Manipulation is their expertise and it’s not a game you can win against them. [Read: How self respect affects you and your relationship with others]

Dealing with the hurt and the pain

When you’re in a relationship with a selfish person, no matter what you do, they’d constantly make you feel like you aren’t giving enough back to them. Even the love you have for this person would feel one-sided and painful because none of your feelings would be reciprocated.

What’s worst is they make you doubt your self-worth and why nothing you do seems to be enough. Their selfishness is reflecting your inadequacy, which has been their plan all along. A relationship with a selfish person would make you feel like you’re living through a heartbreak every day.

No matter what you do, they’d still pick flaws with you or overlook your nice side. Honestly, there’s no winning against a selfish person. It’s either you avoid them early on in the relationship or find a way to beat their own game *which, you have to admit, is close to impossible.*

[Read: The right way to let go of a relationship that’s bad for you]

15 signs to recognize a selfish person

There’s no easy way to recognize a selfish person. It’s almost impossible to miss the signs, which is why we’ll be guiding you through every one of them. Use these 15 signs and ask yourself if that special someone is nothing but a selfish and bad person who doesn’t deserve you.

1. They’re friendly at first – until they’re not

Expect inconsistency from a selfish person as it’s one of the areas they particularly excel at. They seem sweet and genuine, but it’s a facade. After all, how else can a selfish person pull you into their track other than by putting their best foot forward?

They put this facade up until they’re sure you trust them enough. That’s when they start to reveal their true colors. [Read: 14 Ways to instantly recognize fake people and stay away]

2. They always ask for favors

A selfish person doesn’t feel the slightest shame or remorse when asking for favors. Whether it’s something big or small, they’re not shy in asking for favors. Selfish people don’t feel shame in constantly asking even without the slightest guilt that it’s one-sided.

3. They excuse themselves from helping you

When it comes to helping you, they also come up with the lamest excuse to avoid delivering. Maybe it’s an emergency with their family or their schedule is packed *even when you practically know their schedule.*

Whatever it is, selfish people give the lamest excuse when helping you out – and it’s pretty obvious.

4. They’re quite two-faced

Even when talking to someone they hate with an extreme passion, they act completely nice and friendly towards them. They’re completely fake when interacting with them, but are so open to insulting them with you.

Selfish people are the best two-faced people you’ll ever meet and they’re quite good at it.

5. They make a hobby of using people

Selfish people will do anything to get what they want, even if it means using people. They’ll even share a laugh or two with you and admit they’ve used someone else to get something done.

This should be a red flag for you and if I were you, I’d run from the friendship or relationship. [Read: How to know if you are being taken advantage of by people around you]

6. They’re people-pleasers

We’ve mentioned above that they’re such people-pleasers, but to what extent exactly? They’ll put their best foot forward when you meet them and everything is flawless and clean. It’s as if they actively made sure you won’t see any warning signs that’ll cause you to run.

Only when you’re in the relationship deep that they’ll reveal who they really are and it’ll shock you completely. It’s as if the person you initially liked and the person you’re talking to right now are two different individuals. [Read: 20 signs you’re a people pleaser and don’t realize it]

7. They’re excessively friendly

Remember what we’ve talked about putting a perfect front? Selfish people will do everything to get your trust and friendship. That could mean compliments, fake smiles, or basically anything to pull you into their trap. Don’t fall for it, no matter what.

Even if it seems genuine and sweet, they’re not to be trusted. Excessively friendly people almost always have selfish, ulterior motives.

8. They never commit without a selfish benefit

The concept of friendship or love is to give what you can without the expectation of anything in return. A selfish person doesn’t know this concept or just chooses to ignore it altogether.

A selfish friend or lover never commits to anything unless they can get some benefit or favor out of it. They would never do anything selflessly for your benefit.

9. They don’t care – about anything

If you’re ranting about your feelings or you’re opening up about a sensitive topic, they’re not the best person to run to. In fact, don’t ever talk to them about anything significant as they just don’t care. They have such a carefree attitude and not in a good sense.

They’ll tell you that you’re just being dramatic or you’re imagining things when you tell them something personal. So much for friendship and love, right? [Read: Emotionally detached? 15 signs they don’t really care about you]

10. They’re liars and manipulators

Selfish people are experts at manipulation and you can’t expect anything less. Whether it’s gaslighting, playing the blame game, twisting your words – you name it.

They know how to turn things in their favor and still get what they want. They never want to apologize because they think you’re beneath them. Instead, they resort to lies. [Read: 15 types of toxic relationships to watch out for]

11. They’re control freaks

As a selfish person, they want to control everything and everyone around them. After all, it’s the only way to ensure that they still get their desired outcome.

They wouldn’t risk being in a position of authority as they like being in power. It might be in a subtle way, but they’re always trying to control people and things around them.

12. They can’t do teamwork

Obviously, you can’t expect selfish people to work in a team as they’ll only want you to go with their ideas and concepts. They’ll dismiss everything else that isn’t their own and convince everyone why their idea is the best.

Open-mindedness? Consideration? Collaboration? A selfish person doesn’t know any of those things.

13. They make the world revolve around them

Call it whatever you want, but they’ll make the world turn only for them. They want things to go their way and situations to happen based on their conditions alone. Other people’s opinions and outputs aren’t welcome, similar to the point mentioned above.

They’re the most self-centered, narcissistic, egomaniacal people you’ll ever meet in your life. The worst thing is you’ll never see it coming – not until it’s too late. [Read: Super self-obsessed: 22 secret signs you’re dating an egomaniac]

14. They’re entitled to a fault

Entitlement means that you think you deserve everything, even when you don’t. Selfish people own the meaning of entitlement as they think everything they have is because they deserve it.

They don’t know the sense of something being taken from you in an instant. If they ask something from you, they probably think they’re entitled to it. [Read: How to get rid of that sense of entitlement that’s ruining your life]

15. They never show vulnerability

No matter what, you can’t count on a selfish person to show their vulnerability and transparency. They know you can use this against them.

Most importantly, vulnerability means you’ll have power over them, which is one of the biggest fears of someone selfish. Even if their life is dependent on it, they’d rather suppress their emotions than show it.

5 steps to stop a selfish person from hurting you

A selfish person can hurt you a lot and leave you on the floor, feeling miserable and wretched. Thankfully, there are ways to regain your strength and stop a selfish person from hurting you.

1. Realization

This is the hardest step, and as much as this friend or lover means to you, you need to ask yourself if you’re being used in the relationship. Realizing you’re dealing with someone selfish is the first step and you should be proud of yourself for that!

If you feel like you’re doing all the giving while the other person only takes, big chances are, you’re being used in the relationship.

2. Detachment.

Cutting a selfish person feels like cutting a part of your body – it’s that painful. Even if they’re toxic and you probably hate them at this point, they have a hold on you that you can’t begin to explain. After all, you did love them and care for them.

Confronting or breaking away won’t help you, because this selfish person may not care whether you exist and that would hurt you more. Instead, learn to detach yourself slowly, a little more with each passing day.

Similar to how an addiction stops, you take it one step at a time until you’re no longer longing for them in your life. [Read: The 80 20 rule in relationships and your love life]

3. Retain your personality

Anyone who’s been in a relationship with a selfish person will tell you one thing – it’s the easiest thing to lose yourself in that relationship. They’ll make you change the essence of who you are without realizing they were behind it all along.

The best way to have power over the selfish person in your life is to remain who you are and stay grounded to yourself. When they realize they can no longer control or manipulate you, that’s when you know you’ve won.

However, that selfish person may also realize that you’re starting to stand up for yourself and in the fear of losing you, they may start to show more affection to you just to change you back to the meek old self.

Don’t fall for that ploy. Pretend like you’re still the same person, but within yourself, start the change to become a stronger you.

4. Replicate their behavior

Why shouldn’t you get to treat them the same way they treat you? When you feel like you have the strength to stand up for yourself and face the situation, let your selfish lover or friend see themselves in you. Replicate their behavior, and start behaving just like they do.

Think of it like a simple form of revenge and mirroring their actions. By doing this, it would help you in two ways. It will help you get back at this selfish person. And at the same time, it will help you see for yourself how you were being manipulated by this person.

5. Drift away

Okay, this is very important to read this carefully. Selfish people never change. They just look for someone to use, and quite frankly, they can’t help it themselves. You’ll save your mental health by so much by refusing the attempt to change, fix, or save them.

No matter how much you love them, it’s not your responsibility to make them better. Forgive them for using you, and most importantly, forgive yourself for not knowing better when you met them. Afterward, walk away and don’t even think of looking back.

[Read: When is it time to end a bad friendship?]
So, do you have a selfish person in your life?

A selfish person is one of the worst people you can encounter. They’ll make you feel empty and void all because they sucked the life out of your existence.

You can’t build a relationship with selfish people who can’t love you. In fact, maybe selfish people are so incapable of love as they can’t love without conditions.
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