The 10 Point Guide To Moving On After A Breakup

 How to take back your power.

Why is it that breakups are so devastating? We’ve all gone through them before, and we know from experience that we are capable of finding someone else somewhere down the line. Yet, going through a breakup can feel like the end of the world and keep us out of commission for days, weeks, or months.

A breakup isn’t just about the loss of a person — it’s about the loss of a future that you expected to live.

The future plans, the future wedding, the future kids, the future house, the future future…gone in the blink of an eye.

Of course you’ll experience a wide range of emotions during the process. Sadness, anger, regret…but none of these give you the power to decide how you’re going to move forward with your life.

    Here are 10 things you need to do in order to take back your power and get yourself back on track:

1: Cut your ex out completely.

Yeah, I know — this doesn’t work if you have kids, were married, had a house, a pet, or shared a mutual obligation.

The point here is setting boundaries.

If any of the above circumstances are true, only allow conversations about those circumstances.

Otherwise, no chit-chat, no flirty texts, no entertaining going back to him or her.

This means unfollowing them on social media, removing any temptation to contact them, and restricting their access to you however you can.

Why is this so important?

Because you need mental and emotional space to get clarity and begin the process of moving on. If you’re always scrolling through their photos, watching their stories to see who they’re with, or having their name pop up on your phone from a late-night text, you’re going to have a much harder time separating yourself from the emotions of it all.

If necessary, communicate these wishes to your ex so they back off and give you some space. If they don’t respect your wishes, you can easily find the block button.

2: Stop romanticizing the past.

One of the most typical things we do when looking back at our now-previous relationship is remembering all of the amazing times we had together.

And, no doubt, there were quite a few of them. There is no ignoring that, and those should be celebrated and looked back on with fondness.

However, the relationship still ended for a reason (or reasonS) which likely accumulated over time.

And, if you allow yourself to look back with an unbiased lens, you’ll start seeing all of the things that ultimately led to the breakup.

The arguments, the differences in values, the fights over small things, the annoying habits or rituals they had that bothered the hell out of you…

To begin the process of moving on, you first need to have a clear view of exactly what and who you’re moving on from. If you paint an unrealistically rosy picture in your head of what you thought the relationship was like, you’ll never recognize it for what it truly was.

3: Allow yourself to feel the emotions.

    Breakups suck. They’re difficult, lonely, and overwhelming.

I remember reading once that women tend to move on quicker after breakups than men do (obviously neither is this scientific nor universally true…) but hear me out on the reasoning:

Men tend to avoid their feelings more than women do (traditionally), or try to “move on” by sleeping with someone else, going out drinking with their friends, or finding some other distraction to avoid thinking about the reality of the situation.

What does this do? It extends the amount of time it’s going to take him to face reality, making the moving on process even longer.

On the other hand, women will face the emotions head on. They’ll dive deeper into the valley of their feelings and call some friends, have a few good cries, and process the breakup fully.

Then, much sooner than the man will, they’ll be able to move on because they’ve come to terms with what has happened.

    The man will look at the woman and wonder how she moved on so quickly, while she’ll be wondering why he hasn’t yet.

I said “valley” earlier because that’s how I visually process this theory. If you imagine a deep, sharp, steep valley — the physical distance between the peaks is much shorter than a valley that is wide, spread out, but more shallow.

The more shallow valley may not be as painful or treacherous, but the distance across is it is much further, extending the time it takes to get there.

Needless to say, this conversation isn’t gender-specific and you could bring up examples of the roles being reversed in the given scenario, but the lesson remains the same:

Without fully processing the feelings, you’ll never fully move past them.

4: Reconnect where you lost touch.

Being excited about a new relationship can be all-consuming. You might be spending most of your time with them, going on adventures, creating new routines and traditions, planning a future together, and being generally consumed in each other’s existence.

The result of this is obvious: You often lose touch with friends, or even family.

It’s not intentional, it’s not malicious, it might not even be something you’re aware of — until you stop and look back on it.

Wow, I haven’t seen XYZ in months!

Now is the time to give them a call — if they’ll take it.

Reconnect with the people and things you lost touch with. Hobbies, passions, that side business you wanted to start…and yes, yourself. Rebuild the foundation of your life any way you see fit.

5: Focus on productive healing methods, not destructive.

Examples of productive healing methods are things like meditation, going hard on your fitness routine, going on adventures, traveling, getting yourself a new wardrobe or changing up your personal style…

Destructive methods are ways of coping that are harmful to your mental, emotional, or physical health. They are more avoidant and can do more harm than good over time.

However, they’re also much easier to fall into because they require less effort and are more easily accessible.

Sure — indulgences can be fun and help to give yourself a little break, but they are not a long term solution, nor do they honor who you are and how much value you have.

Let yourself sink into the couch and crack open that bottle of wine. Have a good cry over that sappy movie — and then, tomorrow, get off your ass and channel your energy into something productive.

6: Let go of guilt.

There will be thoughts swirling around in your head about all of the things you could’ve done differently. The things you never said. The arguments that shouldn’t have happened. The list goes on.

The fact of the matter is that, unless you directly caused the breakup through cheating, abuse, or some other betrayal — breakups are rarely the fault of one person because of one singular reason.

Take solace in the fact that you did the best you could with what you had during the time of the relationship. We all learn and grow over time and the hardships of life eventually serve as our lessons — but in the moments you’ll be thinking back on, these lessons hadn’t come your way yet.

The hard truth about relationships is that sometimes, they simply don’t work out. People are in different phases of life, want different things, have different perspectives, or hold different values.

If you can honestly remind yourself that you showed up every day as your most true and authentic self and gave your partner and the relationship the love and care they deserved — then rest easily that your actions did not break, nor could they have saved, the relationship.

7: Identify the learning experiences.

I mentioned earlier that we all learn new things from hardships in life — but this is only true if we choose to.

You didn’t “waste time” in a relationship if you learned more about what you do and don’t want moving forward.

Every relationship affords us learning experiences that help us gain clarity around who we are and what’s truly important to us.

It also shows us where we let our boundaries and standards slide, which we can recognize and pledge not to do again.

No matter how long or short your time together was, if you are willing to be honest with yourself, you can identify both the good and the bad to look for the next time you meet someone new.

Which, you will.

8: Start “getting out there” again.

Speaking of meeting new people, it’s a necessary part of moving on after a breakup.

Note: Obviously, wait until you are emotionally ready to start dating again.

But, you don’t need to be at this point in order to go out and have fun. Call your friends, go on a solo-hike, pursue the passions that you’ve been putting off for too long.

Take an art class.

Go rent a bike and ride around the city.

Go to a movie by yourself.

Do something to get the social momentum going again.

Putting yourself in different atmospheres with better energy will help you remember that the world is vast and extends far beyond one person or partnership.

While you already know this intuitively, it’s a much more powerful experience to get off of your couch and immerse yourself in it.

The world is waiting for you — don’t be late.

9: Don’t imagine a future that didn’t exist.

Earlier we talked about the “highlight reel” of your relationship and why you shouldn’t romanticize the past while forgetting the negatives.

Equally as important, is not to create a future-that-never-was inside your mind.

“But, we were going to do XYZ!”

The truth is that nobody knows what tomorrow is going to bring, and while we may have plans, we never know exactly how they’re going to work out — or if they’re going to at all.

You may have a vision in your mind of exactly what your life with your ex was going to look like, but many times that ends up changing as life goes on.

Not always in a bad way — just not in the exact way you imagined.

So, by mourning a future that was never guaranteed to exist, it’s like being sad about an imaginary friend passing away.

It’s never truly gone, because the only place it ever existed is in your mind — which means you can visit it anytime.

And, you’ve still got a chance of it coming true, just with a different (and better suited for you) partner.

10: Be honest with yourself about your timeline.

It’s been said that we shouldn’t rush love, but we also shouldn’t rush moving on from it.

One of the worst things you can do to yourself and to someone else is to start dating again when you’re not truly ready to emotionally invest in someone new.

This only leads down a road of comparison to your ex, baggage, and inevitable heartbreak.

It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means you weren’t fully capable of bringing yourself to a new relationship.

Moving on takes time, especially if you lived an intertwined life or were together for multiple years. But, if you rush it, you’ll find yourself back at square one more than you’d like, and facing heartbreak even more often because you moved too quickly.

It’s just like when an athlete gets injured — they have two choices:

Go through the proper healing and rehabilitation process in order to come back even stronger than before…

Or…

Push too hard too fast and risk re-injury that might be more severe and more painful than before.

The most important thing about breakups is knowing yourself and what process works best for you. Everyone handles difficult times in different ways and honoring your method is paramount.

So, let me know — what has been most helpful to you in the past, and what takeaways were most powerful for you in this article?

James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 38 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.

Source: https://jamesmsama.com/2021/09/01/the-10-point-guide-to-moving-on-after-a-breakup/

Relationship Rules: 30 Must-Know Tips to Live Your Best Love Life!

 

Relationship rules don’t have to be boring and overwhelming. Love consists of both the good and bad, and rules prevent you from having the worst relationship experience. While pain and heartbreak are both inevitable, the right relationship rules guide you to experience love like a bed of roses.

It won’t be perfect, but it won’t destroy and sabotage your sanity entirely. The thing is, love is the most beautiful and extraordinary experience in the world, and the right relationship rules help you in achieving and living that dream love life.

[Read: 16 commonly believed relationship tips that ruin your love life]

The right relationship rules for successful love

There are a few relationship rules that can change a drifting relationship into a romantic one. Love isn’t as easy as the movies make it seem because it takes consistent effort and hard work to make a relationship last.

Not the kind of effort where it feels like a job, but the kind where you actually want to make the effort. Using the right kind of relationship rules, you will have the wisdom to make your relationship work.

After all, isn’t that what everyone wants – to prove that love can actually last a lifetime? Someone once said that falling in love should be effortless. True, falling in love is easy, but staying in love always needs a bit of work.

[Read: How to have a good relationship that gets better with each new day]

Why are relationship rules important?

Without relationship rules, you’ll lack guidance and wisdom on what’s the right and wrong way of taking care of your relationship. While there’s no one-size-fits-all approach in making a relationship last, these relationship rules are often agreed by the majority that these are the right approach.

Whether it’s seeking a healthy relationship or making your relationship last forever, rules are very beneficial in this situation. You might not realize it right away, but the lack of rules can also cause a lack of structure and direction in your relationship.

As a result, it becomes complacent and negligent, which leads to a relationship falling apart. By knowing the advisable relationship rules to follow, you’d be taking care of your relationship better. And everyone involved will be a lot happier too! [Read: 15 rules to be a good partner in a relationship & wow your lover]

30 relationship rules that matter more than all others

Follow these relationship rules in your own relationship, irrespective of whether it’s a new or old romance. As long as you’re committed to creating a better relationship, you’ll have no trouble creating a magical experience out of love.

1. Love your partner unconditionally

Try your best to love your partner unconditionally even if it seems hard not to be selfish. The very definition of love is to make someone happy the best way you can, even if it means sacrificing a part of your own happiness.

More than joy, love is also about sacrifice. Love your partner without expecting anything in return, and they’ll return the favor by loving you in the purest way possible. [Read: How to love unconditionally – Stop screwing up and start loving instead]

2. Look from your partner’s perspective

Sometimes, we’re so focused on following through with our own perspective that we forget to see things from our partner’s perspective.

Think from your partner’s perspective when it comes to matters of the heart. A relationship is all about partnership and in that partnership, you need to be open to their perspective as well – not just your own. [Read: How to develop empathy and master the art of growing a real heart]

3. End an argument immediately

End an argument as soon as possible, even if hugging your partner is the last thing on your mind. In taking note of these relationship rules, remember that love is a choice rather than a decision.

If you want your relationship to flourish and thrive, choose your partner over winning the argument. It’s pointless to prolong an argument if you end up losing your partner altogether. [Read: How to fight fair in a relationship and grow closer]

4. Make love regularly

Make love regularly, but never allot time for it. Scheduling time for sex makes it seem like a chore that can start to become a bore. Sex should become an activity you both enjoy to become intimate and connected with one another.

It shouldn’t feel like a routine, but it shouldn’t be done rarely either. Make sure you find the right balance in making love with your partner.

5. Have effective communication

Communication is the key to any working relationship, so if you want your relationship to really beat the odds, you need to learn to communicate. This means even when conflict is present, you don’t shy away from confrontation.

Communicate with each other and grow together in love, but never grow apart with a lack of communication as the years pass by. [Read: How to communicate in a relationship – 14 steps to a better love]

6. Give each other space

Couples often give each other space so you can miss one another healthily and you can do your individual things. Learn to give space to each other to become better individuals. Even the closest of relationships need some alone time to miss each other now and then.

There’s nothing bad with having space as it can help you love each other better when do you come together again. Of course, there’s still such thing as healthy space and too much space. [Read: How to give space in a relationship the right way so you feel close instead of drifting apart]

7. Don’t take each other for granted

One of the most important relationship rules to take note of is to never take your partner for granted. This is the easiest way to fall prey to affairs and arguments.

You’ll create a lot of friction and conflict in your relationship when you always assume they’ll be there for you all the time without appreciating their efforts.

8. White lies aren’t a bad thing

Say a white lie when you need to, especially if it’s a little lie that won’t change your relationship, but will make your partner feel happy.

Of course, it’s not an excuse to make a habit of saying a white lie *by all means, tell her how she looks better in that other dress!* It’s okay to do so occasionally, but not to the point where it’s all you say.

9. Never shy away from positive criticism

As long as you say it constructively, it’ll help your partner become a better person. Don’t feel offended when they say something you can use to improve yourself. Remember that constructive criticism is a good thing and isn’t something they’re saying to put you down.

You never know, your partner could have a point and you can use that feedback to grow. Would you rather be comforted with a lie or be offended by the truth? [Read: The worst mistakes couples make in a relationship]

10. Always be there for them

You’re the person they should run to when something happens to them. Whether they have a good or bad day, always be there for them. Tough times are the most frustrating phase of a relationship.

Stand by your partner, and when the storm ends, your love will shine brighter. This is one of the relationship rules to keep in mind as nobody wants a partner who leaves when things get tough. [Read: How to know if someone is right for you – 32 clear signs you’ve found the one]

11. Show affection publicly; argue privately

Never argue in public, but indulge in public display of affection. Any misunderstanding or conflict between you should be discussed behind the doors so you don’t end up embarrassing your partner.

However, don’t hesitate to express your love through simple physical gestures. Hold their hand, put your arm around them, kiss them! [Read: How to be a genuinely happy couple that’s envied by all other couples]

12. Keep dating each other

Just because you’ve been together for years, doesn’t mean you need to stop dating them. In fact, this is one of the relationship rules that will keep your sparks and chemistry alive. Don’t forget to have occasional date nights intentionally, not just when there’s nothing else to do.

Date nights are how you can spend quality time with your partner without any interruptions or distractions.

13. Take care of yourself

Don’t get lazy in your relationship. Just because you’ve been together for so long, doesn’t mean you should stop trying to look attractive. Get those abs, exercise, and do whatever it takes to maintain your attractiveness.

Your physical features might not be the only reason they fell for you, but it does play a part. [Read: How to be sexy, look sexy and feel sexy without even trying too hard]

14. Compliment your partner

Compliments are the best way to thank a special someone for the effort they’ve taken for you, however small it may be. It’s simple yet effective enough in making their day and reminding them how much you adore them.

15. Celebrate the special days

Birthdays and anniversaries may repeat themselves too many times, but it’s these milestones that create memories. These special occasions mark another step in your relationship, and it’s worth celebrating.

It’s also your rare opportunity to show your partner how much you appreciate everything they’ve done and how they’re the best thing to happen to you. It’s one of the underrated relationship rules, but equally as significant as the others in this list. [Read: The 25 best relationship topics to talk about if you want to be happy in love]

16. Don’t put your partner down

Never intentionally try to make your partner feel bad or look bad. It’ll leave a lasting scar that can hurt the relationship. The only thing you should do is lift them and support them every way you can.

You can give constructive feedback, but don’t intentionally attack their insecurities and weaknesses. Otherwise, you might as well prepare to lose them.

17. Learn to forgive

Forgiveness is the one relationship rule you should never ignore. The key to any long-lasting relationship is forgiving each other over and over throughout the span of your relationship.

Stop holding grudges, no matter how easy this tendency is. We’re not perfect and you should expect that both of you are going to make several mistakes throughout your relationship. [Read: How to forgive someone: 15 positive ways to unburden your mind]

18. Respect your partner wholeheartedly

Respect is another one of the relationship rules that people choose to ignore. However, respect is the foundation for both trust and love. If you don’t trust your partner, then how can you expect to feel the love?

19. Be okay with your partner having other admirations

Your partner will have several crushes even if they’re committed to you – and that’s okay. Understand that your partner can have crushes on others too. It’s a difficult thought, but if you can admire someone else, so can your partner. [Read: How to handle a crush when you’re in a relationship with someone]

20. Trust your partner – and your gut

Trust is everything in a relationship. Without trusting them wholeheartedly, then it’s not a relationship that can work.

However, you should also learn to trust your gut when needed. If something doesn’t feel right, go with your gut instinct. [Read: How to build trust in a relationship and make it last]

21. Don’t badmouth each other

This seems like common sense, but a lot of couples end up attacking and cursing one another in anger. This is exactly what leads to toxic relationships, which is why it’s one of the important relationship rules to follow. Never grumble or badmouth each other even if you’re tempted to, out of anger or frustration.

22. Always spend quality time together

Quality time doesn’t always have to be exhausting or elaborate. Sometimes, it can be something simple like a homemade dinner or maybe running errands together. Quality time is how you make one another feel loved and rekindle your chemistry.

Learn to spend quality time with each other. There’s no better way to fall more in love with each other as the relationship grows.

23. Behave like children now and then

A few pillow fights or cute wrestles can never hurt anyone. Not only is it fun, but it can help both of you enjoy the relationship. There’s no better feeling than having a pillow fight or laughing until you cry with your partner.

24. Be spontaneous with your affection

Don’t always wait for special occasions or moments to express your love. Spontaneous surprises are always happier than planned surprises.

It doesn’t have to be Valentine’s day or your anniversary to spoil them with an elaborate dinner or amazing gift. In fact, the best feeling is to be surprised on an ordinary day. [Read: The 25 sweetest romantic gestures for everyday life]

25. Stop comparing

This is one of those important relationship rules, so pay close attention! Stop comparing your relationship with others as no relationship is going to be alike, ever.

Instead of learning from someone else’s relationship, learn from your own relationship’s successes and failures. [Read: Self concept – What it is and what makes it very important for your happiness]

26. Be their best friend

The best feeling is when your partner isn’t just the love of your life, but also your best friend. Having a friendship outside the relationship avoids a lot of fights and conflicts. This means they understand you more than anyone else, even when you’re being extremely difficult.

27. Watch how they say, “I love you”

These powerful three words don’t always need to be said out loud. They can say it in the form of gestures, quality time, physical touch, or even gifts.

This is otherwise known as love language. Everyone has different ways of showing love, so pay close attention. [Read: How to show someone you love them: 41 sure-fire ways]

28. Don’t make decisions when you’re angry or upset

Our negative emotions are so powerful that they can cloud our judgment and logic. One of the big relationship rules is to not make decisions based on your anger or frustration.

Don’t walk out that door, break up with them, or curse them. Most likely, you’ll regret everything by the time you feel more logical.

29. Don’t try to rise above your partner

A power struggle is often seen in relationships. When taking note of these relationship rules, remember that a relationship will always be about partnership and friendship – nothing else.

You’re not superior or inferior to your partner. What you lack, the other makes up for. Always keep this in mind before trying to control your partner. [Read: 14 ways to overcome power struggles in a relationship]

30. Choose each other every day

As much as love starts as a feeling, it develops into a choice. Relationships last not because you’ll always feel the butterflies in your stomach, but because you make a constant decision to love them each day.

Even when they frustrate or irritate you, the choice lies in making things work and not leaving just because things are difficult. That’s what love is.

[Read: Love is a choice: Why only you can make love happen]

So, what are relationship rules for?

Relationship rules exist not to make your relationship boring and rigid, but to increase the chances of it lasting and growing healthier. Without the proper structure and guidance, there’s no way of knowing if you’re doing the right or wrong things. For all you know, you could be pushing your partner away without realizing it.

[Read: What is true love? 22 signs of real love to know if your love is real]

These relationship rules could seem simple, but following them can make all the difference between a romantic relationship and a failed affair. They can transform neglect and complacency into romance and commitment.

Liked what you just read? Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, we’ll be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life.

Preeti Tewari

A true believer in the beauty of life and the world we live in, Preeti Tewari finds every excuse to lose herself in nature, be it smelling flowers on a stree...

Source: https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/sweet-love/relationship-rules-for-successful-love

Selfish People: 20 Ways To Spot and Stop Them From Emptying You

By Preeti Tewari, Selfish people are some of the worst people you can surround yourself with. All they do is think about themselves. So, how do you deal with them exactly?


How to deal with selfish people

If you’re traumatized by a selfish person in your own life, don’t hate yourself for it. A lot of people have been deceived by this selfishness and it’s not something you should hate yourself for. No one really realizes that a partner or a friend is selfish at the beginning of the relationship.

You’d only see the signs when it’s too late, and there’s little you can do to change their behavior after that. A selfish person rarely ever changes until they actually see an issue in their behavior.

What makes a person selfish?

A selfish person cares only for their own pleasures, even if it causes pain to someone else. A lot of factors should be considered when asking what makes a person selfish.

Maybe they were so hurt to the point of changing their heart entirely for the worse, maybe it’s in their nature, maybe they had a terrible childhood, or maybe they just lack empathy to care for others. Understanding the factors doesn’t change the facts, but it can help you see things from their perspective.

They have no consideration for anyone else and worry only about their own comfort. Selfish people are well-mannered and nice to everyone, but they’re nice only as long as they get something more back in return from the people around them.

No matter the reason behind their selfishness, nothing is valid enough to excuse their painful behavior. Selfish people are incapable of compromise and understanding, no matter how hard you try to get your point across to them.

Don’t take it personally – it’s just who they are. One of the easiest ways to recognize a selfish partner or a friend is their trait of always extracting more from you, and yet, they never give anything back to you in equal measures.

You’re always the one who ends up exhilarated and empty rather than the other way around. Ironic, isn’t it? [Read: 10 signs your partner is only using you]

Selfish people aren’t selfish with everyone

Selfish people subconsciously pick and choose the people they would want to use and trample on. They don’t go looking for people to hurt. Their selfishness levels vary from person to person, depending on your level of intimidation.

For instance, if they feel intimidated by you, they might not bring out their selfish nature. Rather, they’d choose someone innocent and naive. Selfish people are people pleasers, and appear needy and vulnerable, to begin with.

They’d pamper you, care for you, and love you until you drop your guard down and welcome them into your life and give them your whole heart. This sounds extremely harsh, but it’s a terrible truth.

This is why it’s so important to know the signs of selfish people – to actively avoid them before you get sucked into their trap. [Read: 10 types of toxic friends you need to avoid in your life]

The mind of selfish people

If you’re in a relationship with someone selfish, the best of luck to you as it’s practically impossible dealing with them. As long as they don’t benefit anything from a situation, they wouldn’t give you anything in return.

The thing is, even if a selfish person ends up giving you something, they expect to get something back. This is the exact opposite of what unconditional love is, which makes them the worst friends and lovers.

When you’re in a relationship with a selfish person, they would continue to extract your love and your affections. However, they’d stop giving any love or affection back in return which would leave you feeling weak, unappreciated, and miserable.

Selfish people want the world to revolve around them and nobody else. They want everything to be done under their terms and conditions without sacrificing what they want. Again, they’re incapable of compromise. [Read: 12 signs you’re walking on eggshells in your love life]

So why did you fall prey to this selfish person?

In a perfectly happy relationship between friends or lovers, both the involved people consider each other as equals. But when a selfish partner or friend starts to believe that they’re more important than the other partner in the relationship, they’d convince themselves that their partner needs them more than they need their partner.

You fell into this trap because you thought they were genuinely sweet and lovely, or maybe you thought you’d have a significant relationship with them. They make you feel on top of the world and loved when it matters but you failed to realize, this is all a facade.

It’s frankly easy to fall for a selfish person, but it’s much harder to get out of that relationship. Selfish people are very much capable of manipulation and as long as it benefits them in some way, they’ll want you to stay.

If you’re being used by a selfish friend who sees you as an emotionally weak target, you may even find yourself confused and lost. You may wonder why you’re the only one feeling miserable around this selfish person while everyone else thinks so highly of them.

Manipulation is their expertise and it’s not a game you can win against them. [Read: How self respect affects you and your relationship with others]

Dealing with the hurt and the pain

When you’re in a relationship with a selfish person, no matter what you do, they’d constantly make you feel like you aren’t giving enough back to them. Even the love you have for this person would feel one-sided and painful because none of your feelings would be reciprocated.

What’s worst is they make you doubt your self-worth and why nothing you do seems to be enough. Their selfishness is reflecting your inadequacy, which has been their plan all along. A relationship with a selfish person would make you feel like you’re living through a heartbreak every day.

No matter what you do, they’d still pick flaws with you or overlook your nice side. Honestly, there’s no winning against a selfish person. It’s either you avoid them early on in the relationship or find a way to beat their own game *which, you have to admit, is close to impossible.*

[Read: The right way to let go of a relationship that’s bad for you]

15 signs to recognize a selfish person

There’s no easy way to recognize a selfish person. It’s almost impossible to miss the signs, which is why we’ll be guiding you through every one of them. Use these 15 signs and ask yourself if that special someone is nothing but a selfish and bad person who doesn’t deserve you.




1. They’re friendly at first – until they’re not

Expect inconsistency from a selfish person as it’s one of the areas they particularly excel at. They seem sweet and genuine, but it’s a facade. After all, how else can a selfish person pull you into their track other than by putting their best foot forward?

They put this facade up until they’re sure you trust them enough. That’s when they start to reveal their true colors. [Read: 14 Ways to instantly recognize fake people and stay away]

2. They always ask for favors

A selfish person doesn’t feel the slightest shame or remorse when asking for favors. Whether it’s something big or small, they’re not shy in asking for favors. Selfish people don’t feel shame in constantly asking even without the slightest guilt that it’s one-sided.

3. They excuse themselves from helping you

When it comes to helping you, they also come up with the lamest excuse to avoid delivering. Maybe it’s an emergency with their family or their schedule is packed *even when you practically know their schedule.*

Whatever it is, selfish people give the lamest excuse when helping you out – and it’s pretty obvious.

4. They’re quite two-faced

Even when talking to someone they hate with an extreme passion, they act completely nice and friendly towards them. They’re completely fake when interacting with them, but are so open to insulting them with you.

Selfish people are the best two-faced people you’ll ever meet and they’re quite good at it.

5. They make a hobby of using people

Selfish people will do anything to get what they want, even if it means using people. They’ll even share a laugh or two with you and admit they’ve used someone else to get something done.

This should be a red flag for you and if I were you, I’d run from the friendship or relationship. [Read: How to know if you are being taken advantage of by people around you]

6. They’re people-pleasers

We’ve mentioned above that they’re such people-pleasers, but to what extent exactly? They’ll put their best foot forward when you meet them and everything is flawless and clean. It’s as if they actively made sure you won’t see any warning signs that’ll cause you to run.

Only when you’re in the relationship deep that they’ll reveal who they really are and it’ll shock you completely. It’s as if the person you initially liked and the person you’re talking to right now are two different individuals. [Read: 20 signs you’re a people pleaser and don’t realize it]

7. They’re excessively friendly

Remember what we’ve talked about putting a perfect front? Selfish people will do everything to get your trust and friendship. That could mean compliments, fake smiles, or basically anything to pull you into their trap. Don’t fall for it, no matter what.

Even if it seems genuine and sweet, they’re not to be trusted. Excessively friendly people almost always have selfish, ulterior motives.

8. They never commit without a selfish benefit

The concept of friendship or love is to give what you can without the expectation of anything in return. A selfish person doesn’t know this concept or just chooses to ignore it altogether.

A selfish friend or lover never commits to anything unless they can get some benefit or favor out of it. They would never do anything selflessly for your benefit.

9. They don’t care – about anything

If you’re ranting about your feelings or you’re opening up about a sensitive topic, they’re not the best person to run to. In fact, don’t ever talk to them about anything significant as they just don’t care. They have such a carefree attitude and not in a good sense.

They’ll tell you that you’re just being dramatic or you’re imagining things when you tell them something personal. So much for friendship and love, right? [Read: Emotionally detached? 15 signs they don’t really care about you]

10. They’re liars and manipulators

Selfish people are experts at manipulation and you can’t expect anything less. Whether it’s gaslighting, playing the blame game, twisting your words – you name it.

They know how to turn things in their favor and still get what they want. They never want to apologize because they think you’re beneath them. Instead, they resort to lies. [Read: 15 types of toxic relationships to watch out for]

11. They’re control freaks

As a selfish person, they want to control everything and everyone around them. After all, it’s the only way to ensure that they still get their desired outcome.

They wouldn’t risk being in a position of authority as they like being in power. It might be in a subtle way, but they’re always trying to control people and things around them.

12. They can’t do teamwork

Obviously, you can’t expect selfish people to work in a team as they’ll only want you to go with their ideas and concepts. They’ll dismiss everything else that isn’t their own and convince everyone why their idea is the best.

Open-mindedness? Consideration? Collaboration? A selfish person doesn’t know any of those things.

13. They make the world revolve around them

Call it whatever you want, but they’ll make the world turn only for them. They want things to go their way and situations to happen based on their conditions alone. Other people’s opinions and outputs aren’t welcome, similar to the point mentioned above.

They’re the most self-centered, narcissistic, egomaniacal people you’ll ever meet in your life. The worst thing is you’ll never see it coming – not until it’s too late. [Read: Super self-obsessed: 22 secret signs you’re dating an egomaniac]

14. They’re entitled to a fault

Entitlement means that you think you deserve everything, even when you don’t. Selfish people own the meaning of entitlement as they think everything they have is because they deserve it.

They don’t know the sense of something being taken from you in an instant. If they ask something from you, they probably think they’re entitled to it. [Read: How to get rid of that sense of entitlement that’s ruining your life]

15. They never show vulnerability

No matter what, you can’t count on a selfish person to show their vulnerability and transparency. They know you can use this against them.

Most importantly, vulnerability means you’ll have power over them, which is one of the biggest fears of someone selfish. Even if their life is dependent on it, they’d rather suppress their emotions than show it.



5 steps to stop a selfish person from hurting you

A selfish person can hurt you a lot and leave you on the floor, feeling miserable and wretched. Thankfully, there are ways to regain your strength and stop a selfish person from hurting you.

1. Realization

This is the hardest step, and as much as this friend or lover means to you, you need to ask yourself if you’re being used in the relationship. Realizing you’re dealing with someone selfish is the first step and you should be proud of yourself for that!

If you feel like you’re doing all the giving while the other person only takes, big chances are, you’re being used in the relationship.

2. Detachment.

Cutting a selfish person feels like cutting a part of your body – it’s that painful. Even if they’re toxic and you probably hate them at this point, they have a hold on you that you can’t begin to explain. After all, you did love them and care for them.

Confronting or breaking away won’t help you, because this selfish person may not care whether you exist and that would hurt you more. Instead, learn to detach yourself slowly, a little more with each passing day.

Similar to how an addiction stops, you take it one step at a time until you’re no longer longing for them in your life. [Read: The 80 20 rule in relationships and your love life]

3. Retain your personality

Anyone who’s been in a relationship with a selfish person will tell you one thing – it’s the easiest thing to lose yourself in that relationship. They’ll make you change the essence of who you are without realizing they were behind it all along.

The best way to have power over the selfish person in your life is to remain who you are and stay grounded to yourself. When they realize they can no longer control or manipulate you, that’s when you know you’ve won.

However, that selfish person may also realize that you’re starting to stand up for yourself and in the fear of losing you, they may start to show more affection to you just to change you back to the meek old self.

Don’t fall for that ploy. Pretend like you’re still the same person, but within yourself, start the change to become a stronger you.

4. Replicate their behavior

Why shouldn’t you get to treat them the same way they treat you? When you feel like you have the strength to stand up for yourself and face the situation, let your selfish lover or friend see themselves in you. Replicate their behavior, and start behaving just like they do.

Think of it like a simple form of revenge and mirroring their actions. By doing this, it would help you in two ways. It will help you get back at this selfish person. And at the same time, it will help you see for yourself how you were being manipulated by this person.

5. Drift away

Okay, this is very important to read this carefully. Selfish people never change. They just look for someone to use, and quite frankly, they can’t help it themselves. You’ll save your mental health by so much by refusing the attempt to change, fix, or save them.

No matter how much you love them, it’s not your responsibility to make them better. Forgive them for using you, and most importantly, forgive yourself for not knowing better when you met them. Afterward, walk away and don’t even think of looking back.

[Read: When is it time to end a bad friendship?]
So, do you have a selfish person in your life?

A selfish person is one of the worst people you can encounter. They’ll make you feel empty and void all because they sucked the life out of your existence.

You can’t build a relationship with selfish people who can’t love you. In fact, maybe selfish people are so incapable of love as they can’t love without conditions.
Liked what you just read? Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, we’ll be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life.

Source: https://www.lovepanky.com/sensual-tease/obsession/stop-being-horny

16 Reasons Why You're Always Being Taken for Granted

If you often feel like you’re being taken for granted, it sucks. Figure out why that’s the case and start to make changes. You deserve more!



Are you one of those people who find themselves being taken for granted all the time? You may be assertive and in control of your life, but something isn’t right. Somewhere along the way, you start to realize that the people that love you are taking you for granted almost all the time. Being loving and caring is one thing, but having that taken advantage of is quite another.

What do you do when your indulgences are taken for granted and turn into expectations? [Read: 25 memorable life lessons that can change your life forever!]
What does it mean to be taken for granted?

Being taken for granted is a difficult term to define. Basically, it means that someone expects something of you, without any basis for it. For instance, if you’re kind to someone a couple of times and let them use your cellphone when their credit has finished, they may take it for granted that they can continue to do so. It’s a favor, something you have offered them out of kindness, but it is turned into an expectation that you may feel you need to bow down to.

In a relationship, being taken for granted is a huge problem. You may do things for your partner every single day, simply because that’s what you feel you should do, you want to do, and it makes you happy. However, your partner then expects you to do all of those things. Is that fair? No!

Being taken for granted over the long-term basically means that you’re not respected. Now, many people take others for granted without realizing it. So, if this happens to you, it’s not that your partner is a bad person and doesn’t care. It’s probably just that they don’t realize what they’re doing. We all take people and things for granted occasionally. It’s only when our behavior is flagged up that we realize and can make positive changes. [Read: How to build self-confidence: 16 Ways to realize you’re worth it]
Is it your fault if you’re being taken for granted?

Should you blame the person taking you for granted? Or, should you blame yourself?

You might indulge in romantic gestures all the time without caring about your lover’s reciprocation. Or, maybe you’re too sweet and nice to your lover or a friend all the time without ever letting them realize that you’re going way out of your way to do something nice for them. In that case, it’s pretty obvious that they’d take you for granted because they don’t realize the effort you’ve made for them! [Read: 10 relationship deal breakers that can shatter your romance]

Of course, they may feel pampered or special the first few times. But once it starts to feel like routine, the indulgences turn into expectations.

And, if you don’t behave the same way or don’t make the effort one day, your lover may even get annoyed with you!

The harder you try, the bigger their expectations. And before you know it, you don’t get anything in return. Yet, you’d be expected to go out of your way and do something special for them all the time.

This is the point of no return when you start to feel like you’re being taken for granted in the relationship. If nothing changes, the relationship is doomed to fail because you’ll end up feeling resentful. [Read: 18 things you do that makes your relationship really unhealthy!]

So, whose fault is it? Yours for continuing to do it and theirs for not seeing it! You’re both to blame, basically.
The importance of communication

Everyone takes someone for granted when they’re in love, even if it’s only for a moment. The only way to stop someone from taking you for granted is by letting them know just how hard you’ve tried to do something for them.

Learn to communicate and let them know if you’re going out of the way for them. You don’t have to wait until you’re bursting at the seams with anger or frustration to tell your lover or your family just how ungrateful they’ve been. Especially when you’ve been so giving and sacrificing.

Most people who get taken for granted make the mistake of holding back on communication. They wait until they can’t hold on anymore. Then, they explode with helpless anger, much to the surprise of their shocked lover who probably didn’t even realize they were taking their partner for granted! [Read: The power of your words can make or break your relationship]

Instead, there’s an easier way to deal with this. Let your partner know when you’ve made the effort to do something nice for them. You’re not being pompous. You’re just letting them know the truth, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

In fact, telling your partner that you did something special for them will make your partner appreciate the gesture and feel grateful too!

After all, at the end of the day, all you want is a simple ‘thank you’ to feel appreciated, isn’t it? [Read: 25 must-follow relationship rules for successful love]
What about being taken for granted and self respect?

There’s a reason why you may be allowing others to take you for granted. And in all probability, it starts and ends with self respect.

You don’t respect yourself enough to believe you’ve done enough for someone. You constantly try to do something more or do something better just to compensate for what, you believe, you’re lacking in.

This behavior of yours pushes you to try harder to please others. In return, you hope to be appreciated and loved. When you don’t feel appreciated and loved, you start to believe you’re being taken for granted.

Do you seriously respect yourself for who you are? Or, do you need someone else’s appreciation to reaffirm that you’re a great person? Answering this question truthfully will help you realize why you’re being taken for granted all the time. [Read: Self respect and the really big role it plays in the relationships you have]

16 Reasons why you may be taken for granted on a regular basis

The easiest way to judge yourself and find out if you’re someone who could be taken for granted by others is by testing your own character.

There are a few traits and characteristics of people who are vulnerable to be being taken for granted. The chances are, you have a few of these traits yourself.

1. You can’t say ‘no’

You have a very hard time saying ‘no’ to people. You’d rather take on more commitments or responsibilities instead. You may think you’re being sweet. But your inability to say no will only make others take your sacrifices for granted. [Read: How to say no: Stop pleasing people and feel awesome instead]

2. You’re predictable

Everyone around you, especially your loved ones, can totally predict your behavior. And since you’re so predictable, they subtly manipulate you and get you to do what they want. You may feel manipulated and used, but you feel helpless at the same time.

3. You’re a little too sweet

You’re a people pleaser, and you just can’t be rude to others. You convince yourself that you’re the sweet person in a bad world. But in reality, you may just be too sweet and nice, which forces others to take you for granted even if they don’t realize it themselves. [Read: 20 signs you’re a people pleaser and don’t know it]

4. You put off making decisions

You’d rather make excuses or postpone issues that bother you instead of dealing with it. You may think pushing decisions away is the easy option, but in fact, it’s the spineless way of dealing with your problems.

Those who understand your inability to take tough decisions may abuse that side of you and make decisions on your behalf. They may manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do because they know you can’t say ‘no’ anyway!

5. Confrontation is not easy for you

If you feel like you’re being taken for granted, confront the issue. If you can’t confront the issue, you’ll end up unhappy. Your head will be filled with resentment and frustration. This will eat you from the inside. [Read: 10 types of toxic friends you need to avoid in your life]

6. You’re intimidated by loud people

You’re scared of people who are loud, outspoken, bossy, and confrontational. You just can’t handle them and they stress you out emotionally. You’d rather accept what they say than ever go against them. This is simply because you don’t believe you can handle them.

You may think it’s the best way to deal with rude people. But, in reality, you’re setting yourself up to be used and taken for granted by these kinds of people for the rest of your life.

7. You lie to yourself

You lie to yourself and make excuses when someone takes you for granted. Maybe you tell yourself that the person probably took the right decision anyway and they’re not using you at all.

You’re not happy doing what you’re doing for this person, but you console yourself with false words. You tell yourself that you’re doing it out of free will, when it’s clearly not the case. [Read: How to stop lying to yourself and the people around you]

8. You don’t believe in yourself

Somewhere deep inside, you doubt yourself and don’t believe in your own capabilities. You find flaws within yourself and you see other people as virtuous and flawless. Maybe you feel a constant need to please others to be accepted by them. You need to wake up and realize how amazing you are!

9. You don’t like being alone

You constantly feel the need to have someone by your side. Independence scares you and you find it easier to go out of your way to be nice to someone who treats you badly, instead of being lonely. [Read: 7 Powerful ways to combat and break out of loneliness]

10. You seek approval

You constantly approval from others. When someone starts to take you for granted, without realizing it, you’ll allow them to emotionally control you. Before long, you lose your sense of judgment and you forget that it’s possible to independently make decisions for yourself.

11. You don’t know your own desires

Every time you want to do something, the voice in your head wonders if the object of your affection would like your decision. You always try to please this person, in everything you do. It’s all in the hope that they’ll see just how loving and accommodating you are. You hope that they may realize just how much you’re doing for them someday. [Read: The risks of making someone a priority when you’re only an option to them]

12. You crave appreciation

You don’t like going against people you want to impress or win over. As a result, you accommodate anything they say. Perhaps you bend over backwards to please them in the hope of winning their affection. A small line of praise from them means the world to you.

13. You have generally low expectations

You intentionally keep your expectations low around people, especially the ones you love. This is because you know what constant disappoint feels like. But at the same time, you give far too much, in the hope that the one you love will see just how giving you are.

On the contrary, this person may just assume they’re perfect for you already because you’re not pointing out any flaws in them. Nor are you pointing out any of your wants or expectations from them. [Read: Are you being emotionally abused by someone you love? – 17 sure signs]

14. You respect others too much which results in you being taken for granted

It’s possible to show too much respect! you respect this person and you can’t ever think of going against them or offending them in any manner. This person is the center of your world and you know you’d do anything to keep them happy.

15. But, they know you respect them too much

The people who take you for granted are usually the ones who know that they matter a lot to you. They see the love you have for them, and constantly expect more from you without even realizing it.

When you keep giving more, their expectations grow all the time, until they reach the critical stage where you feel completely taken for granted. This person starts to believe that you’re changing for the worse and being mean to them because you aren’t doing the things you once used to do for them! It’s a vicious circle. [Read: 10 signs to recognize a selfish person and 5 steps to stop them from taking you for granted]

16. You’re being taken for granted when you always give more than you get in return

You just don’t know when to stop giving. So, you always end up giving way too much before you even realize it. By then, it’s probably too late because the person you’re giving to, may already be taking you for granted. Even if you back away, they’ll only be upset and say you’re the one who’s changed for the worse.

If you see any of these traits in yourself, there’s a good chance that you’re extremely susceptible to being taken for granted by those close to you.

You may not realize it at first, but it’s these very traits and reasons that force you to lose your own self respect, and depend on someone else for your happiness and achievements.

Before you know it, the person you love *and who loves you back* may unwittingly take you for granted, even if that was never their intention in the first place!

[Read: 10 signs your negative thinking is ruining your life for you]

Once you understand these reasons why you’re being taken for granted, take a stand, and communicate with your loved one. After all, your life won’t get any better until you decide to stop giving other people the opportunity to take you for granted!

Liked what you just read? Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, we’ll be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life.


Source: https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/better-life/reasons-why-youre-always-being-taken-for-granted

Single? 5 Things You Must Do Before Your Next Relationship

 Make sure you’ve got a clean slate.

You’ve faced heartbreak — we’ve all been there. Maybe it was recent, or maybe it’s been awhile since you’ve gotten back out there. Either way, one thing is for certain…

You’re wondering why the next time will be any different than the last, especially if you’ve faced a string of disappointments along the way.

Well, here’s the thing:

If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten.

Making better decisions in relationships is about building a deeper sense of trust in yourself in order to make the right choices. Trust in yourself comes from consistency, confidence, and credibility. You can control all 3.

Here are five ways to start trusting yourself to make better choices in relationships again:

1: Develop a CLEAR vision for your future.

Be honest with yourself: Have you ever sat down and fully visualized what you want yourself and your future to look like?

I mean, painstaking clarity.

What time does the higher self version of you wake up in the morning? What do they have for breakfast? What is their workout routine like? What do they do for a living? Where do they live?

What do their relationships look like? Are they single, married, do they have children?

If so, what does their spouse or child(ren) look like? How do they walk, and talk, and dress?

Society tends to tell us what we should want, rather than encouraging us to explore for ourselves. There are no rules, no “good” or “bad” when it comes to your personal desires — the only good or bad is whether they’re actually yours, or simply a reflection of someone else’s.

This level of clarity is the first step towards understanding what (and who) to say yes to in your life. Where to invest your time and energy. How to know when to walk away, or keep going.

The clearer you are on your future, the quicker you’ll know who fits into it, and who doesn’t.

This empowers you to make better relationship choices over a foggy mindset of “this might work” or “let’s see where this goes” simply because you’re unsure about where you’re going in the first place.

2: Practice communicating boundaries in other areas of life.

One of the reasons people gradually slip into the wrong relationships is because they don’t have the confidence to speak up when something bothers them early on.

Naturally, this leads to the negative behavior continuing, and even more being piled on top of it.

Before you know it, you’re in a relationship that doesn’t look anything like what you wanted — because you never actually stood up for what you wanted.

The question then arises: Where else in life does this apply to you?

Many of us think that being nice and complacent is the path to acceptance. People will like us if we don’t make waves, or disagree, or cause conflict…

And while that may be true, we need to start asking what types of people like us because of this?

The answer is: People who can take advantage of us.

People who actually value you as a person also value your opinions, thoughts, and ideas. But, those who simply want to control you or act however they want without consequence, will LOVE that you never speak up.

How do we change this?

Think about other parts of life where you let things slide constantly. I’m not talking about being easy-going, that’s a whole different characteristic.

I’m talking about a blanket “people-pleaser” mindset where the default setting is to simply do what everyone else wants — even if it’s harmful to you.

If someone disrespects or talks over you at work, say something.

If someone makes an inappropriate joke you’re uncomfortable with, say something.

If someone gets your order wrong at the restaurant, say something.

If you’re overcharged on an incorrect bill, say something.

As a result, your self-respect will grow because you are setting boundaries and standards for the treatment you expect from those around you, and you’re refusing to stand by if those standards are disrespected.

Having boundaries is a sign of self-love. It shows that your mental wellbeing is more important than someone else’s toxic behavior.

3: Understand that you’re not the same person you were then.

Every day we are absorbing new life experiences that help us learn and grow. Past relationships can be some of the most emotionally impactful experiences during both the ups and the downs, which fundamentally change you over time.

This means that the version of you that exists today is not the same version of you that existed when you chose your previous partner(s).

THIS means, you’re capable of seeing things differently and making better decisions as a result.

Notice when you speak up about something (point #2) you wouldn’t have before. That’s a sign of growth.

Notice when you politely turn someone down because they’re not putting in proper effort. That’s a sign of growth.

Notice when your own self-love is reflected through discipline, a fitness routine, and healthier eating. That’s a sign of growth.

There are countless ways that you can measure your own personal development and therefore more deeply trust yourself to stop accepting sub-par treatment from a potential partner.

4: Reflect.

Everything here is all well and good IF you know where you went wrong in the first place.

A difficult but important task is to look back at the past relationship(s) and really uncover the red flags that you missed.

“Ah, I let that slide at first…but it’s the exact thing that ended the relationship in the long run.”

“I knew I didn’t like that behavior from the beginning…”

There are so many instances in life that, when we take the emotional blinders off, we are free to see clearly once again.

Recognizing what the bad behavior led to down the road is how we can nip that same bad behavior in the bud the next time, before it gets a chance to bloom into something harder to walk away from.

Reflection is a piece that most people avoid because it requires them to acknowledge their shortcomings. You may feel “dumb” or “stupid,” or “foolish.”

Assure yourself that none of these things are true, and you simply experienced a lapse in logical judgment due to an emotional overflow — something that every human on the planet can relate to.

It’s natural, but it doesn’t have to control you anymore.

5: Build a life that YOU LOVE while you’re single.

Perhaps the most important point of all.

Being single is not a problem, it’s an opportunity.

An opportunity to explore yourself, your passions, your desires, your driving forces in this life.

It’s a chance to decide what is important to YOU as an individual and then begin building a life around those things.

The more confident you are in the choices that you make, the less you care about what anyone else thinks of it.

And the more passionate you are about YOUR life, the less tolerance you’ll have from someone who takes the joy out of it.

You’ll ONLY accept people who enhance your life.

You’ll ONLY look for someone who also has their own act together.

You’ll ONLY seek out those who align with your deepest values and beliefs…

…because you’ve worked so hard to get clear on them and build a life that supports them every single day.

When you work to do everything listed here, you will morph yourself into a fulfilled, happy, passionate, INDIVIDUAL person who will be on such a strong upward trajectory that everyone who’s not will simply fade away.

That’s how you make better relationship decisions.

That’s how you create a life you love.

That’s how you win.

James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 38 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.

Source: https://jamesmsama.com/2021/08/18/single-5-things-you-must-do-before-your-next-relationship/

8 Reasons You Should Love Being Single

It’s an opportunity to define what you want.

There is a lot of internal and external pressure put on those who are single to find “the one” or “finally settle down,” that it’s easy to feel like something is wrong with you if you’re still single over a certain age.

Spoiler alert: There isn’t. You’re not broken.

In fact, not only is singledom something to not be ashamed of, it’s something you can (and should) love and embrace.

Here are 8 reasons why:

1: It shows that you don’t lower your standards.

Many people think that if you’re single, it means you can’t find someone. But, in reality it’s smarter to wait for the right person to come along, than to settle for all of the wrong ones.

How many people do you know that are in unhappy relationships because they’ve settled just for the sake of being with someone?

They figure it’s “better than nothing.”

But, it’s not.

In fact, lowering your standards and being with the wrong person can make you feel even more alone than staying single would’ve — because someone is physically present but emotionally absent, and it feels like there’s nowhere else to turn.

Choosing to stay single even when sub-par options are staring you in the face is a sign of strength and commitment to your boundaries and standards – take pride in staying true to yourself.

2: It gives you time to learn about yourself.

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. If that one isn’t healthy, none of your others will be.

Often times “serial monogamists” have a difficult time finding a long term healthy relationship because their identity has always been tied to being with another person.

They are uncomfortable being single and therefore repeat the pattern outlined in #1 over and over again.

Being single is an opportunity to take a breath and really explore who you are and what you want (and need) in a relationship.

You can do the inner work and get clear on your identity and purpose so you’ll know when the right person comes along, and even more easily separate yourself from the wrong ones.

3: It gives you time to learn about other people, too.

Finding the right person isn’t just about knowing what you want, it’s about knowing what you don’t want. And sometimes, the best way to find that out is through experiencing it.

Experience through dating new people, going to new places, making new friends…

When you’re single, you have full autonomy over where you go and who you spend your time with. Use the opportunity to explore, get to know people, and have fun with the process.

In sales, you’re trained that every “no” gets you closer to a “yes,” which is why the more calls you make, the better you’ll eventually do.

Dating is a similar world: The more of the wrong people you can recognize and weed out, the easier it will be to find the right one.

4: You can make sure you’ve fully moved on.

Past relationships don’t always just…end.

Sometimes you will stay in touch with someone you shouldn’t have even been with in the first place, or you carry emotional baggage into your next relationship from the bad experiences you had.

We all need the proper time to move forward mentally and emotionally before we’ll truly be ready to fully give ourselves to someone new — and being single allows for the mental and emotional space needed to do this.

When you no longer feel pulled back to an ex, or pushed forward to someone who isn’t right for you, you’ll enjoy the true autonomy of choosing what’s best for yourself because you’ve shed the weight of past grievances.

5: You’ll never feel trapped.

The harsh reality is that I’ve spoken to a lot of people who feel trapped in their relationship. This happens at all stages of the game, from early — on when they don’t want to break a heart, to years down the road when they don’t want to break up a marriage, a family, or a household.

The further down this road we go, the heavier the pressure becomes.

If you’re with the wrong person but are married, or have children, or own a home together, the prospect of walking away can be deeply troubling and overwhelming.

This is why we must remain honest with ourselves at every stage of the relationship building process and address any serious concerns that arise.

In doing so, we prevent ourselves from feeling like a prisoner of circumstance and maintain the freedom to remove ourselves if things don’t feel right or have the promise of a future.

6: You can travel and explore.

When I was single, I was getting on a plane any chance I got. I found myself in New York City for dinner at a moment’s notice on more than one occasion (I live outside of Boston).

It was easy to pack a bag and go somewhere for a night, a month, or even a year (when I lived in LA).

The experiences I had and the people I met during these times in my life completely shaped and transformed me into a new person.

It taught my valuable life lessons and put me at tables with incredible people I never would’ve met otherwise.

It brought me personal and professional opportunities that I never thought possible.

And most importantly — it provided me with life experiences that will remain memories and stories forever.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying that being single is the only time you should travel and explore. It can be deeply fulfilling to share these experiences with the right person along the journey.

What I am saying is that it’s much easier to be mobile when your schedule and budget is the only one to consider.

You can go wherever you want, see whatever you want, and do whatever you want.

Being single is an opportunity to see the world around you through fresh eyes and embrace the people who cross your path.

Many a person has found themselves yearning for these experiences after passing up the chance when they had it. Carpe diem.

7: You can fully focus on your passions.

So, you want to dive head-first into your career or business? Now is the time.

You want to Eat, Pray, Love your way through Thailand? Now is the time.

You want to give 72 cats a foster home until they are adopted? Now is the time.

No matter what sets your soul on fire, the truth about being single is that you can be as selfish (I mean that in a good way) with your time as you want to be.

You get to choose where you put your energy and focus. There isn’t a partner who will make you feel guilty, or pressured, or obligated to split your time.

You can fully and unabashedly plunge into the depths of your passions and go full throttle for as long as you want.

I maintain that the right partner will support and encourage you along your journey and will love to see you thriving in whatever path you choose for yourself, but the simple truth is that relationships require work, commitment, and time — and balance between your love and your work is required.

When you’re single, this balance doesn’t need to exist — so build the foundation now, and then you can weave the right partner in when the time is right.

8: You’ll find out what YOU are truly capable of.

Here’s another uncomfortable truth: Many adults have spent so many years relying on other people that they become dependent.

Real love is about being independent first, and choosing someone who enhances your life. Not being dependent on them so they can manage your life.

We never really know what the future is going to bring. We could lose a spouse, or a loved one, and be left to our own devices.

We could face a breakup or divorce or a complete unraveling of something we’ve built alongside someone else.

What happens then?

If you challenge yourself during your single years, you’ll know exactly what you’re capable of and have the courage and confidence to dust yourself off after any challenge.

What’s more — you’ll be less likely to settle for someone who drains your energy because you know you don’t need them in order to survive.

You are a fully capable, confident, strong, and independent human being — that’s how you’ve made it this far into adult life.

The person you choose to be with should remind you of that and magnify your strengths — not make you doubt or forget them.

When you know who you are, what you deserve, and what you’re capable of — you’ll simply never slip into a situation where you’ll get anything less than that.

It’s not selfish to focus on yourself and build the life that makes you happy. It’s necessary when becoming the person that you’ll be proud to be.

At the end of the day, that’s what matters most.


James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 38 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.

This article was originally published on Medium

Source: https://jamesmsama.com/2021/08/02/8-reasons-you-should-love-being-single/

10 No-Nonsense Tips For Keeping Romance Alive

Romance shouldn’t fade after the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship. It should strengthen as your partner becomes an even more important part of your life.

Who even has the time? You mutter to yourself as you read an endless stream of headlines online about romance, dating, chivalry, courtship…many of which, probably written by me over the years. Whoopsie.

Different types of advice applies to different people in different stages of life, but what about when you need some real, down-to-earth, practical tips on keeping the flame burning in your relationship or marriage over the long haul?

If that’s what you’re looking for, let’s begin.

1: Revisit your love languages together.

If you’re not familiar with Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages, here is the rundown:
Physical touch
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Gift giving
Quality time

We all give and receive love in our own unique ways that can often be fit into these categories. It’s always a good idea to talk about your love languages early into a relationship, but as time goes on, it’s easy to lose sight of what exactly your partner craves and desires on a daily basis.

For example, if your love language is quality time, but your partner’s is physical touch, you may think you’re showing an outpouring of love every time you sit down to watch a movie together.

But, if you’re not actually touching your partner, they might not feel the love you’re giving.

It’s easy to see how “speaking” two different languages can cause a divide within a couple that may not be obvious until far down the road when someone finally decides to speak up, potentially blindsiding their partner who didn’t know there was a problem to begin with.

If you’ve not touched on it for awhile (no pun intended), sit and chat about your love languages together. Then, most importantly, make a pledge to communicate your love in the way(s) your partner understands. It would be a useless exercise if you listened to their answers and then never changed anything. Taking action on this is the type of effort that shows real commitment.

2: Plan regular date nights.

This might sound obvious, but executing on it is a different story entirely.

Date nights don’t have to be fancy dinners or big outings, they can be a simple movie-and-takeout night at home together, or a walk to the local live music venue, or anything that you reserve time to do just the two of you.

“Dating” isn’t just for single people, it’s important that we continue to date and court our partner even after we’re already committed. This is the part where many people drop the ball in long term relationships, they assume that they can let off the throttle of effort after a certain amount of time. In reality, the exact opposite is true.

If we stop dating our partner, they can easily feel taken for granted or cast aside even if that’s not our intention. Dates are fun days or evenings that give you the gift of focused alone time together to reconnect, have fun, and remember why you fell in love in the first place.

Choose a time that works for you both and keep it open every week. Plan something new, revisit something old — whatever it is, give your partner the gift of your undivided attention during this time.

3: Spend time APART.

Didn’t see this one coming, did ya?

I have always fully believed in bonds being built through spending quality, focused time together. I also believe that your individual passions and interests are one of the things that drew your partner to you in the first place.

I’ve coached a variety of clients who’ve told me that people seem to lose interest in them after a few months of dating even though they’re devoting all of their time to the relationship…

Therein lies the problem.

When someone is drawn to you, they see the whole package. Your hobbies, your lifestyle, your passions, your side projects. These are the very things that spark attraction in the first place.

They are also the things that light your soul on fire and make you better in all other areas of life.

So — what happens if you actually stop doing these things in order to spend all of your time with your partner?

Both their attraction, and your passions, will fizzle.

Now, let’s say you’ve stayed together despite this. Maybe even for years. If you really take an honest inventory of your life, what are you still doing for yourself?

Are you still playing that guitar? Still painting in the garage? Still going to car shows? Still practicing yoga?

Or, not?

Taking time to do something that you enjoy is not neglecting your partner. In fact, if it will refresh and reignite your soul, it’s something that will benefit both of you and the relationship as a whole.

Plus, nothing is more attractive than seeing someone in their element, loving what they’re doing. Time for that is a win/win.

4: Put “it” in your calendar.

That’s right, I said it.

Schedule your physical intimacy together.

Before you X out of this article, hear me out for a minute. A wide variety of experts (not something I’m claiming to be) recommend that couples in long term relationships or marriages put their intimacy on the schedule. But, why?

If you’re reading this in the first place, you know that life gets busy and overwhelming. You’ve probably also experienced yourself or your partner being too tired, not really feeling like it, or going for stretches of time without getting a little hot-and-heavy. You also know the disconnect you can feel from your partner when this happens.

If there are days on the calendar every week when you know things will heat up, it helps to build anticipation and also to avoid disappointment on the days that it doesn’t happen.

It keeps you consistent and active together, and it also helps address issues if they arise. This way, if scheduled days are missed, it may be a sign that something is really wrong and you need to talk about it.

Find a balance that works for both of your “drives” and implement a schedule that proactively encourages physical connection together.

The longer your relationship, the more valuable this will become.

5: Hug and cuddle.

Physical intimacy has many different forms, and hugging and cuddling are scientifically proven to release oxytocin (otherwise known as the love hormone) in your brain.

The following is courtesy of MedicalNewsToday:

Delivering oxytocin through a nasal spray has allowed researchers to observe its effects on behavior.

In 2011, research published in Psychopharmacology foundTrusted Source that intranasal oxytocin improved self-perception in social situations and increased personality traits such as warmth, trust, altruism, and openness.

In 2013, a study published in PNAS suggested that oxytocin may help keep men faithful to their partners, by activating the reward centers in the brain.

In 2014, researchers published findings in the journal Emotion suggestingTrusted Source that people saw facial expression of emotions in others more intensely after receiving oxytocin through a nasal spray.

Less scientifically speaking, hugging and cuddling can make you feel closer to your partner both physically and emotionally.

Instead of sitting on opposite sides of the couch, try holding hands, or laying together, or squishing up close during your next movie night. Sometimes this is all you need to feel reconnected and rejuvenated.

6: Compliment each other more.

Every single day (literally) I do my best to give Rachel a compliment no matter what, even if it’s something as simple as “those pants look great on you.”

When we see someone every day from the groggy morning face to the work-ified professional to the sweatpants’d couch-sitter, it can all seem a bit…mundane.

But, only if we allow it to be.

There’s no reason why you can’t take a few seconds and compliment your partner every single day, even if it’s a text after they leave for work, or at a random time to let them know you’re thinking of them.

It is SO EASY to let the days pass by, or to fall into the trap of “oh, they already know how I feel” and to stop outwardly expressing our thoughts and feelings about each other, but we can’t let that happen.

This is how people begin feeling taken for granted, or unattractive, or unloved. We want (and need) to be told that the things that drew our partner to us in the first place are still working, as well as what else they’ve fallen in love with us for over the years.

Be flattering, be flirty, be open and honest. And, don’t forget #1 when implementing this.

7: Make the boring stuff fun.

I once heard a story about a couple who went on a date to a store. Each was given $3 to go through the store and buy something for the other person.

Random, cheesy, cute.

Whether it’s a trip to the grocery store, or Target, or the DMV, those are the realities that “real life” is made of. If we can’t find ways to enjoy these little things with the person we’ve chosen as our partner, then what ARE we doing?

Fun and enjoyment can’t be reserved for one or two days a week, or we’ll spend 80% of our life wishing we were doing something else.

Plus, if you can’t have fun with your partner, what’s the point of the relationship in the first place?

8: Set a new goal together.

I’ll be the first to admit that my fitness was badly affected by the pandemic. I stopped going to the gym when they closed, and ordered takeout far too often…

For the past couple of months, though, I’ve been back in the gym pushing harder than ever before, and it’s completely transformed me mentally and physically.

Part of this motivation came from Rachel implementing stricter nutrition and lifestyle choices for herself. Not to mention her six-pack abs next to my keg.

We both decided to embark on this journey together and, while we have different goals, it creates more cohesive lifestyle choices that we both share in.

Continuous self improvement is paramount in a relationship as we both work to get better mentally and physically — but if only one partner is on that journey, it can create a divide as they begin to outgrow the other.

Setting goals together, whatever they may be, gives you something new and exciting to look forward to as you challenge and inspire each other. It brings you both together as a team and creates a new energy and excitement.

Find something that is important to both of you and go after it relentlessly.

9: Show gratitude.

Maybe you’re the one who cooks in the relationship. Maybe you’re the one who cleans, or takes out the trash, or washes the cars, or takes the kids to soccer practice…

Maybe that’s the role that you’ve adopted over the years for one reason or another. You’re better at it, your schedule is more flexible, you offered to take on the responsibility.

Regardless of why, one thing remains certain: People appreciate being appreciated.

No matter how long our partner has been doing something, it’s important that we let them know how much we appreciate it.

Showing your gratitude can come in many different forms (see #1 again), but it must be present for your partner to know that you actually appreciate what they do. It’s easy to go through the motions of the day without acknowledging the little things, but the truth is that they take time and effort, and knowing that this effort is recognized makes people feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

10: Remember that you’re a TEAM.

Many of my opinions have changed over the 10+ years I’ve been writing and coaching on relationships, but one has always remained the same:

The happiest and healthiest couples approach their relationship as a team.

It’s not “me and me,” it’s “we.”

When you’re a “we,” you make decisions together. You have common goals and visions for the future. You support and encourage each other. You lend them your strength in their times of need. You celebrate alongside of them when they win, and comfort them when they lose.

This is how you create and sustain a bond over the long term, but committing to living your life in accordance with it.

The kids, the obligations, the bills, the work, the family life, all of it needs to be given attention, love, and priority. All areas of life are important in their own ways, and it’s also true that all areas of life are affected by the person you choose to spend it with.

Their positive or negative energy will impact your mood. What they say will linger in your mind. How they make you feel will affect your performance at work and at home.

Choosing the right partner is one of the most important things you’ll ever do.

But, you don’t just choose them one time.

You choose them every single day when you wake up in the morning and live within the reality of that relationship. That is the central foundation of everything else you will do and create.

Relationships are like a fire — you must stoke it consistently if you want it to keep burning. If you do it right, it’ll keep you warm forever.


James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 38 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.

Source: https://jamesmsama.com/2021/06/14/10-no-nonsense-tips-for-keeping-romance-alive/