It can be frustrating when it feels like there’s a sinkhole-sized gap between you and your partner’s sex drives. Sex plays a significant role in most relationships for obvious reasons: It’s an opportunity to connect on a physical and emotional level, a way to learn about your partner, and, to be frank, it just feels really good.
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But here’s the thing, fellas. Before you get all worked up for no reason, there’s a chance you may be underestimating just how horny your partner truly is. A 2016 study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that men in established romantic relationships tend to “underperceive” their romantic partner's sexual desire — in other words, they just assume their partner isn’t in the mood when they actually are. It also revealed that men are especially likely to underestimate their partner’s desire on days when they’re motivated to avoid sexual rejection. This makes total sense as it can be a bit of an ego blow when you try to make a move on your significant other and they turn you down.
What’s important to remember here? There’s no normal libido level for women or men, and having mismatched sex drives isn’t the end of the world. There are plenty of legit reasons why she might just not be feeling as frisky as you are lately, though, and the sooner you start to understand where she’s coming from, the better.
Fortunately, we tapped two intimacy coaches who shared their expert-approved steps to help create a safe and inviting environment for sex that’ll help get your partner back in the mood.
If She’s Lost Some Attraction to You
It can be a tough pill to swallow that you just don’t drive your partner wild with desire anymore. This can happen after the honeymoon phase is long gone, you’re seeing each other on a daily basis with a bit of a routine going on.
According to Stephanie Ganowski, dating and intimacy coach for men and host of the What I Love About Men podcast, all is not lost.
“In my opinion, it’s worth it to try to save it by initiating something new into the relationship, along with giving her some space,” she says. “If someone is chasing, that means there is also someone running away. Men can easily chase for sex and the more they push it, the more resistance they create, especially if she’s not feeling fulfilled in the relationship emotionally.”
A past study revealed that people in long-term relationships were more satisfied with their sex lives when they incorporated variety. In this case, maybe it’s just time to shake things up. Send her a sext to see how she responds. Ask if she’d be down to watch some porn with you (her choice of content), or bust out her vibrator with the offer to give her some pleasure without the pressure of anything in return. These kinds of small acts will all help to accomplish one thing: increasing the excitement in your relationship, and encouraging her to see you in a different light.
If She’s Insecure
Sometimes it really isn’t about you.
“Women's hormonal changes can alter their libido, causing less inclined to have sex,” says intimacy behavioral therapist Rebecca Torosian. “Sometimes this creates unwanted physical changes like weight gain or loss, resulting in feeling unattractive and self-conscious.”
If you notice she’s not in the mood around the time of her period, consider that breakouts and bloating may just be sabotaging her self-esteem.
“If your woman seems to be lacking confidence or tells you do, focus less on telling her she’s ‘wrong’ to have those thoughts/feelings and more on complimenting her throughout the day in small ways,” adds Ganowski. “Even asking her, ‘You want to know what I see when I look at you?’ and then showing desire in your description will help her trust that she can give you her entire body, without getting in her head or feeling unattractive.”
If you’ve experienced erectile dysfunction or similar issues, she may take it personally and think she’s the cause. Yes, it’s a “you” issue, but it can still take a toll on her confidence, causing her to not want sex. Regardless, if you can make an effort to build her up by telling her — and showing her — how attracted to her you are, that’ll surely go a long way.
If She Doesn’t Feel Like She Can Satisfy Your Desires
“Sometimes a woman can feel intimidated by what her man wants and is unsure as to whether or not she can fully please him,” explains Ganowski. “Especially if the last sexual experience felt ‘awkward’ or ‘outside the norm,’ then it could be a good idea to discuss what happened, how she felt about it, and if she’s up to continuing that type of experience.”
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If, say, you proposed a daring fantasy with her recently that she had mixed feelings about, or she was unable to finish you off during oral sex, these kinds of events can leave her sexual confidence a bit wounded. Luckily, there’s a relatively easy fix here. Tell her directly all the things she’s done with you in the bedroom that have made you feel sexually satisfied. Once she starts getting the message that she’s already enough for you, she’ll feel more inclined to drop her guard again.
If She’s Overwhelmed
Is your partner juggling a career, friendships, and countless other responsibilities? She may struggle to muster up the energy for a romp by the day’s end. What your lady really needs most in this situation is re-charge through intentional self-care.
“In my professional opinion, men seem more likely to use sex as a stress outlet while women are more likely to avoid sex while stressed,” says Ganowski.
Here are some things you could do to ease her stress: give her a back or foot massage (with no sexual pressure attached), asking how she’s feeling and just listening (without giving advice), or offering to take care of an errand or household responsibility so she can get a little extra sleep.
Complaining about your lackluster sex life will only add to her stress, thus sabotaging your intimacy even further. If you can make small gestures that contribute to her self-care, however, you’ll ultimately be helping both of you to get back on track.
If She’s Feeling Emotionally Distant From You
Have you been getting embroiled in arguments that never get resolved lately? Do you hardly talk about your feelings, mainly resorting to small talk after your workday ends? When was the last time you felt vulnerable during a conversation with her? These are questions worth asking yourself.
“Many women need to feel safe and validated for their sexual desire to emerge,” explains Torosian. “The isolating conditions of our current pandemic makes meeting these emotional needs difficult.”
In other words, if she feels disconnected from you emotionally, then she probably won’t want to connect with you physically.
“While most men need sex to feel loved, most women need to feel loved before having sex,” adds Ganowski. “So if she doesn’t seem anywhere near wanting sex with you, this is most likely due to emotional distance between the two of you. Ask yourself what you can do to make her feel safer, loved, and supported in your relationship together. Find the emotional need that isn’t being met, meet it and sex will be much closer than you think.”
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Source: https://www.askmen.com/dating/relationship_advice/what-to-do-when-your-partner-is-not-in-the-mood-according-to-intimacy-coaches.html
