The Most Important Qualities Women Look For In A Guy, Ranked
If you're single, it can often seem like other guys have all the luck. The world seems to be full of couples, and looking at the guy who's dating someone you wish you were dating, often you'll wonder -- "What does he have that I don't?"
Some guys will say, "Women always go for jerks, and nice guys finish last," as a means of dismissing men that women find attractive. And while it may be true that some women are into the stereotypical mysterious bad boy who's emotionally unavailable and treats them poorly, most women would rather date someone with positive qualities to bring to the relationship.
So if you're a man interested in dating women and being the best possible partner to them, knowing which qualities women find most attractive can be a crucial step in moving from single to being in a relationship.
You don't want to waste your time on things most women don't actually care that much about -- like getting a shredded gym body or having tons of money -- while neglecting the things that matter most, like listening, being honest and having a good sense of humor.
There's an old trope that says that it's difficult to figure out what women want and that women are notoriously hard to please.
You can decide whether that's a boring stereotype or the cold, hard truth, but all the women we asked about this issue were decisive about what they wanted out of a man, and the same themes cropped up again and again in those conversations.
We distilled these desirable traits down to 10 core qualities that women repeatedly rated as the primary things they look for in a man.
Every single one of us have areas we can improve on, so don't despair if all these traits sound like a lofty target. All you need to do is make a good faith effort to be a solid partner; improving gradually in all of the above areas.
The plus-side is that the qualities on this list will make you a more well-rounded, well-liked person in general, so it's not just something to do to improve your chances of landing a date or getting into a relationship -- do it for yourself, too, to simply help you become a better man.
So, without further ado, read on for the top 10 qualities women want men to have, and how you can start showing them:
10. Be Passionate & Adventurous
The word "adventurous" came up for many of the women we surveyed about their favorite qualities in men, but the more we pressed them, the more it became clear they wanted an open-minded man rather than a mountaineer or sky diver.
For Ellen, 30, "adventurous" means a man who "likes to do and see new things and isn't afraid of change, the unexpected... or spiders." She goes on to add that "they should be willing to try new things and entertain new points of view." For Louise, 38, it's as simple as being willing to join her out on the dance floor even if you're not a Justin Bieber yourself: "They don't even need to be a good dancer, they just need to be up for joining me out there without putting their own feelings about dancing first."
Being adventurous is also about changing up the daily routine to keep the relationship interesting: "It's very important that someone actually wants to get out of the house and be willing to experience things," Miriam clarifies. "That doesn't just mean holidays, it's as simple as going to the park or going to a new restaurant or art gallery."
To become more adventurous, take a mental stock of the things you find yourself doing every weekend, and see if there's room to change it up a little bit. Could you get brunch at a different spot with your girl this weekend? Are there any shows on that she might be interested in? Could you do something with her that you'd never normally do, like attend a painting class together or go salsa dancing? You might end up enjoying yourself more than you think, and she'll be a walking heart-eye emoji because of it.
9. Be Intelligent
"Nobody wants to date a dummy," says Naina, frankly, and it's true – intelligence rates highly as a quality women desire in men. "I'm not saying you have to operate on Einstein's level," she continues, "but you should probably be able to hold a conversation that extends beyond, 'Yo girl, are you hungry?'"
However, a lot of women stressed the importance of a man not being arrogant about his intelligence. Ellen, for example, emphasized that she wants a man who is "bright, but not a mansplainer!"; that is, she doesn't want a man who treats women as though they are feeble-minded children who need to have everything explained to them in a condescending way.
So, what does this look like? For Ellen, it means being "Interested and interesting; holding your own in a conversation about things that you're passionate about, but not trying to dominate it; and being enthusiastic and open-minded in learning things you don't know much about." For Priyanka, 34, intelligence is a key attribute, but she only wants "men who speak to me as an equal and don't condescend to me in my line of work."
So, if you're not an expert on a topic, don't pretend to be -- intelligent people don't actually do this! Instead, listen intently and ask thoughtful questions, especially if you know you're a wee bit out of your depth. If you're talking about a topic you're passionate and knowledgable about, make sure you're being engaging and interesting, rather than condescending and insufferable! Be sure to read about subjects that aren't your usual go-to areas of interest to develop a well-rounded intellect, too.
8. Be Patient
When we surveyed women on things that they find sexy, a lot of women said that they pay close attention to how men treat service workers. Ces, 29, distills exactly what quality this embodies: patience.
"OK, my thing is patience," she begins. "Not in the "love is patient, love is kind" sense; day-to-day patience. nobody enjoys waiting in traffic, in a queue, for a package, at the bar, for a text, for service at a restaurant, et cetera, but when a man handles that kinda stuff gracefully, it's a huge turn on."
"It's a sign of two things to me," she continues. "The first is emotional maturity. You're a grown man, so you don't tap your card on the bar waiting for service; you don't huff and tut and stamp your feet at the post office. You wait patiently and be courteous, because you know that waiting is a part of life. The second thing it shows is empathy. Again, you're a grown man, so you don't click your fingers at a waiter or bark at customer service rep for how long you waited on hold, because you know that the people serving you are people just like you who are doing their best and that if you were in their position you wouldn't want to be treated that way."
Patience might seem like one of those things you either have or you don't, but that's not true at all. Like all of the qualities on this list, it's possible to cultivate it with deliberate practice. "I know that everyone gets frustrated, but the way I try to be better at it is imagining how my reaction is going to look to a stranger before reacting," Ces suggests. "No woman is going to see you stamp your feet at a cafe and think "that's hot". I also think about how much it actually matters. Is a date going to be ruined if your drinks take an extra ten minutes? Smile and make a joke about it. It's gentlemanly. Clark Gable wouldn't have a tantrum at the post office, you know what I mean?"
7. Be Honest & Dependable
In unsurprising news, honesty is a widely cherished quality among women. "I'm pretty sure there's no human out there who will deny the importance of this virtue, and with good reason," Naina says. "Your partner is someone you invest time, effort and emotion into and having these wasted when you find out that he has been pulling the snapback over your eyes the whole time stings."
Honesty and dependability aren't just about being faithful, though it's a wider category than that. For Naina, that means "being crystal clear about things" and clearing up your expectations in the beginning, so you're not leaving her hanging or promising something you can never give.
Being honest also means being clear in your communication throughout the entire relationship. So, if issues arise, deal with them up front. "When a guy has the ability to communicate their concerns and desires honestly, life is 110% easier," Miriam explains. "Simmering resentments and vulnerabilities are dealt with at the time and both parties can reach a compromise."
It's often difficult to communicate honestly because you may feel as though your partner's feelings will be hurt, but it's possible to phrase things carefully and without placing blame. Practice communicating openly, honestly and undefensively, and make sure you're cultivating an environment where she can do the same.
6. Have Shared Values
It's crucially important in any relationship that you share core values and principles, so it's no surprise that shared values was a key attribute that many women mentioned. This doesn't mean being the exact same person or having the same opinion on everything; rather, it's about having the same basic idea of wrong and right, even if you quibble about the surface-level details.
"You don't have to be two peas in a pod but you need to be growing in the same garden," Charlotte says. "Shared values are really the foundation of a relationship. This isn't a fake it 'til you make it scenario, either: you should know what you value, so make it known. As long as there are more hits than misses it will work. The idea isn't to mould into but rather compliment each other, and shared values serves this purpose perfectly."
This is an area to clear up pretty early in the relationship. It's okay if you have different political and philosophical views, but if she's a diehard socialist and you're an arch capitalist, for example -- or if she's a staunch atheist and you're a committed Christian -- you're going to need to talk seriously and frankly about whether you have enough shared ground to make things work. Make sure you both agree on the right way to live and what counts as good and bad behavior, and you shouldn't go too far wrong.
5. Be Thoughtful & Generous
Thoughtfulness is a key quality in all relationships, but especially so in romantic partnerships. Thoughtfulness involves small gestures that show you respect and listen to your partner, and this is a way to remind her that you care about her without needing to go over-the-top with flowers and chocolates every day.
"Recognizing that she prefers salt to pepper, remembering she hates a particular topping on her pizza, knowing which little buttons to push to get her going: acknowledging minuscule details like these will result in maximum happiness, because it's no small thing when she knows that you're paying attention to all the tiniest things about her," Naina, 25, explains.
"Small kindnesses based upon really listening and paying attention, making your partner feel like you really ‘get’ her, are important," Amy agrees. "In general, women are more intuitive and probably better at small, thoughtful gestures, so make a point of taking care of small things – sending snacks to her desk or giving her a foot rub when she’s ranting about a long day. It sounds corny, but suss out little things that will be appreciated and do them. Often."
4. Be Empathetic
Empathy pops up again and again as a quality women are desperately seeking in men. For Ellen, that means being "sincere in your concern for other people, animals and the planet, and thinking of others and going out of your way to make sure they're happy and at ease."
For Amy, it's about never gaslighting her. Gaslighting is a psychological term which refers to the phenomenon of constantly denying another person's lived experience to the point that it makes them feel crazy and makes them doubt their own perception of reality (the term comes from a play called Gas Light in which a husband constantly tinkers with the lighting levels but then denies that he's touched the lamp at all, driving his wife insane).
The term "gaslighting" was originally confined to discussions about abusive relationships in which men lie and deliberately manipulate their partners to the point that it drives them insane, but it's often now used to describe the more commonplace practice of denying that a woman's lived experience is real or valid.
Red flags that signal that you may be gaslighting your partner are constantly saying things like "this is all in your head" or "that's not what happened at all". To avoid this, bear in mind that your way of seeing a situation isn't the only possible read on it, and listen to your partner in good faith when she tells you how things appear from her perspective. It's okay to clarify that she got things wrong or misread your intentions, but never flatly deny her reality or tell her that she's "crazy" or "psycho." Listening is big here, so refer back to that section if you need to.
3. Be Confident About Your Appearance
Good looks are something you're either born with or you're not, and besides, they didn't top the list for any of the women we asked (honestly!). But an attention to detail rated highly as a desirable quality, and this mostly manifested in the form of guys who smell good and take care of their appearance and surroundings.
"A carefully-chosen cologne will perform miracles in terms of your memorability and general allure," explains Jen, 30, and Grace adds: "I KNOW you can master smelling good! Get some Kiehls body wash and a signature cologne and you're set!"
For Amy, 26, it's about your environment, too: "I’m attracted to men who make their habitat attractive. It’s hard to be sexy if you’re not comfortable, and there are too many greying, flat or lumpy pillows out here. Respect your bed if you want it to be place where the magic happens: make it, clothe it in Egyptian cotton and up your duvet game. Lighting a damn candle won’t kill you! And if you can’t keep a cactus alive that probably doesn’t bode well for a relationship with a human woman."
As Amy suggests, this isn't just a superficial requirement: close attention to detail gives important clues as to how you'll treat your partner, so make sure you're projecting the right impression. Ensure you're well-dressed (think 'signature style' rather than 'decked out in expensive designer gear'); clean and tidy (trimmed beard or clean-shaven, fresh breath, smelling good) and have clean surroundings (clear your beard trimmings out of the sink, clean the toilet, have a tidy bedroom -- you know the drill!).
2. Be A Good Listener
The ability to listen comes up so often as a prized trait for women that it's amazing more men aren't tapping into this area. "The obvious thing that is attractive is listening," says Grace, 30. "As in, guys who listen to what you say and ask open-ended questions to show they are actually engaged, interested and want to know more."
"It's attractive if a guy is comfortable listening to someone else speak without interrupting," Ellen adds. "Especially if they don't feel the need to strategize solutions for every problem; they're happy to just listen." This is one quality which will really make you stand out amongst other men, because, as Ellen says, "I don't encounter this quality in that many men, to be honest."
Hannah, 39, echoes the sentiment, and clarifies particular areas to pay attention to: "When they ask about stuff like your family and life before that point, then can recall details about what you said later, it makes you feel like they care, and that all of you might mean something to them."
So, make sure you're not just hearing the words being said, but really absorbing them to the point that you can recall them at a later point -- she'll definitely be impressed by this, because it's a rare quality. You can also practice active listening by allowing her to vent to you without trying to immediately problem-solve or tell her why things aren't so bad. Practice saying things like "That sucks, babe" and "I'm really sorry that happened" -- you'll be amazed how much she'll appreciate this.
1. Be Humorous
This one is a no-brainer and will come as a surprise to pretty much no-one: women like funny men. Wittiness is a universally-admired trait and women consistently report a good sense of humor as being one of their biggest turn ons. For example, Ellen, 30, says it's a turn-on when guys "can have a laugh, enjoy making others laugh, and don't take themselves too seriously."
However, there's more to impressing women than being a non-stop joke machine, especially if your repertoire is full of fart jokes and lazy stereotypes. "To put it bluntly, I want witty, intelligent humor, and it doesn't come naturally to everyone," says Charlotte, 25. "Witty people are winners: there are few faults or flaws that wit can't cover, and a witty sense of humor ranks highly for me."
Part of having a good sense of humor is not always being the joke-cracker, but also appreciating when other people are funny, too, including the woman you're seeing. "Remember you're trying to appeal to her sense of humor, not yours," Charlotte elaborates. "Also, don't forget that she could be just as funny (or funnier!) than you -- don't compete and don't repeat the joke, just laugh and appreciate her humor."
Being able to make your partner laugh also means that serious topics can be handled with a touch of levity. "Things communicated with a sense of wit and humor are much easier to swallow and it's always very important to be able to be laugh and be silly," says Miriam, 29.
Humor is an area where it's important not to try to hard, but you can improve your chances of making your partner laugh by paying close attention to what she finds genuinely funny, and also by noticing when she's simply throwing a sympathy chuckle in your direction. Avoid falling back on snark and sarcasm constantly -- and don't forget to appreciate her jokes, too.
Source: https://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/qualities-women-look-for-in-a-man.html
Friday, July 12, 2019
Sex Tips for Your Marriage
When it comes to marriage, the common dream is that you die peacefully in each other’s arms via spontaneous romantic heart failure at the ripe, old age of 100, having led a life together that was full, and warm and loving.
In reality, things are usually much different, and one of the biggest things that guys seem to struggle with when it comes to marriage — if pop culture and Google searches are to be believed — is married sex.
RELATED: The Top 10 Reasons to Get Married, Revealed
As the story goes, once you’re good and married, the sexual passion that once inflamed your relationship’s early days begins to dwindle (if it hasn’t already). Add things like bills, kids and career woes to the mix, and you have a decidedly non-sexy scenario lined up.
This person probably sees you at your best and worst, day in and day out. You can’t pull tricks like you used to, tidying up for their arrival, and you can’t really pretend you’re someone you’re not after all these years.
The beauty of love is that you know each other, but that’s still a daunting proposition when so much of sexual attraction and arousal seems to hinge on how sexy people are when we don’t fully know them, when they’re a blank slate we can project our fantasies onto.
So how do you make married sex … well, sexy? How do you make it fun, spontaneous, naughty and exciting all in one? The truth is, there’s no single answer. Every couple is different, and different things will work for different couples.
To help narrow it down, here are 10 generalized tips for amping up the sex in your marriage — both in terms of quality and in terms of quantity — to keep your life as a husband a happy one.
1. Be a Better Husband Around the Home
What’d you expect, a suggestion to buy a sex toy? The real hack to having more sex is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with. That starts with showing them you care about the marriage by taking on your fair share of responsibilities.
“When you help out around the house, especially without being asked — say, you can see the trash is full, or dishes in the sink — your wife understands you care about her and your home,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of “How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together.”
“Letting her know you see what she does, and thanking her for doing the laundry or cooking a good meal, as well as doing it yourself, makes her feel connected to you; you’re partners. That brings her close to you.”
There’s nothing less sexy for many people than watching the person they married turn into someone who expects them to do everything around the home. Even if you’re the primary (or sole) breadwinner, putting in a concerted effort to pull your weight on the homefront can make a huge difference in how sexy you seem.
After all, women find lots of non-sexual things sexy, and a guy who takes care of basic chores and responsibilities ranks high on the list.
2. Lower Your Spouse’s Stress Levels
One of the biggest drains on a couple’s sex life can be stress. Not only is stress a bad sign about how the rest of your life is going, simply being stressed can drastically lower someone’s sex drive.
That’s because stress impacts your hormones — and can seriously inhibit the hormones that help regulate arousal. Meaning, any potential for getting turned on is already nipped in the bud when you’re super stressed out.
Making stress reduction a priority in the marriage can not only help those feelings of arousal flow more freely, but your spouse will be more likely to appreciate your focus on helping them get unblocked.
“A married guy helping to reduce his wife's (or spouse's) stress levels can have a big positive impact on their sex life, and enjoy secondary gains by deepening the established marital trust,” says Dr. Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills-based couples, relationship and family psychologist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent.”
“When your spouse feels safe, cared for, and trusts you she opens her body and soul to you in deeper ways, including sexually. She wants to be closer and more intimate with you.”
3. Talk About Sex Together
If you’re really unsatisfied with your sex life, at some point, you need to have a conversation about it.
“As strange as it may feel and as difficult as it can be, the most important part of improving your sex life is to talk to your partner,” says Kayla Lords, sexpert for JackAndJillAdult.com. “That means sharing what’s good and what’s not working. It also means listening to your partner’s concerns, needs and desires. You both have to give up the belief that the other ‘should just know’ [...] what you want and need. They don’t know until you tell them — and sometimes you have to tell them multiple times and in multiple ways before they understand.”
You might cringe at the thought if you feel married sex should be organic and spontaneous, but if it’s already difficult, it’s not going to magically get easier. You solve this like you solve any other marital problem — by putting the work in … together.
“You and your spouse may have to navigate whatever shame or stigma you’ve been taught about sex,” notes Lords. “For some people even talking about sex is shameful and that makes it even more difficult ... [but doing so] “allows you both to put away assumptions and deal with what’s actually going on.”
4. Consider Talking About Sex With a Professional
The next step? Bring in a third party, whether that’s a therapist or counselor.
“In almost every realm of your life [...], you likely turn to experts for guidance and support,” says Jess O’Reilly, host of the “@SexWithDrJess”podcast. “Sex and relationships, however, remains the exception. A sex therapist or marriage counsellor can offer a range of support and tools to improve relationship satisfaction and fulfillment. A professional may be able to help you to more clearly identify, understand and communicate your own needs, desires and boundaries.”
RELATED: Here’s What You Need to Know About Couples Therapy
So if you’ve tried talking one-on-one and it hasn’t gotten you anywhere, it’s time to ask for help from someone who genuinely knows what they’re doing. Among many other things, they can also help you work through any shame or insecurity you have around sex.
But whatever you do, don’t let your spouse’s reluctance end the discussion.
“If your partner won’t go to therapy with you, go on your own,” adds O’Reilly. “Don’t use their unwillingness to attend as an excuse to avoid personal growth and accountability for yourself.”
5. Intentionally Schedule Quality Time in the Bedroom
Despite feeling that sex should be organic and spontaneous, sometimes, busy schedules take over. The reality is that sometimes, you just have to buckle down and put time aside in your calendar for sex.
“We schedule everything in our lives, and just because something is scheduled doesn’t mean that parts of it can’t be spontaneous,” says O’Reilly. “Just as food doesn’t magically appear in your mouth (you have to plan to cook, order in or go out to eat), but you can still switch from Thai to Chinese at the last minute, so too can you balance planning and spontaneity in your sex life.”
That doesn’t mean you set an agenda with minute-by-minute plans for what you’re doing. Instead, it just means you recognize that without some concerted planning effort, it can be easy for sex to slip by the wayside when other, seemingly more pressing demands are piling up.
“You might take turns scheduling sex or plan to have sex on a specific day, but leave the specific window of time more flexible,” points out O’Reilly.
6. Make Your Spouse Feel Desired
One thing that might be holding your sex life back is if your spouse just isn’t feeling sexy anymore. Over the years, people’s bodies change, and feeling like you no longer meet the standards of beauty you used to can be a real blow to a person’s sexual self esteem.
“Don’t get unrealistically focused on appearances,” cautions Tessina. “Focus on how you feel about your partner. [...] You can happily have sex with each other into your dotage if you learn to accept the changes that come with age. You may no longer be beautiful people, but you can have a lot more love, sex and fun [...] if you are comfortable with your inevitable changes.”
One way you can make your spouse feel sexy and special? Bring a little bit of romance back into your relationship.
“When you’re married and living together, it is too easy to let romance slide,” says Tessina. “For most of us, ‘romance’ is important to some degree in encouraging a sexual mood. The relaxed anticipation produced by the right music, soft lights and sweet words makes an ideal atmosphere for intimacy, which leads to verbal and physical affection. As well, simply making time to remind your partner that you find them attractive, arousing or sexy can go a long way towards helping them feel that way themselves.”
7. Make Yourself Feel Desirable
Of course, it’s possible what’s holding your sex life back is your own feelings of not being sexy.
“If you feel body shame and worry that your partner judges you during sex, it will cause performance anxiety and distract you from the moment,” says sex educator Kenneth Play “If you have body image issues, you'll be worried about positioning yourself in ways that are more attractive, or sucking in your belly or the light being too bright — which will all detract from your ability to actually focus on the sex.”
Dealing with enough experiences like that would make anyone associate sex with frustration, embarrassment or awkwardness — and then start finding excuses to avoid it.
If that’s the case, it might be time to start working on your own self-image. That might mean working out and getting back in shape, coming to terms with how you look and loving it regardless or a combination thereof. But being able to feel genuinely good about yourself can definitely have a big impact on your sex life.
“If you're more confident in yourself and have good self-esteem about your body image, you'll be able to focus on having sex with your [spouse], your mutual pleasure and connecting,” adds Play. “Also, confidence is just sexy.”
8. Engage in Lots of Foreplay
Lots of people think of sex as being primarily about penetration, but that’s an incomplete picture of what sex is (and can be). One of the best things you can do for your sex life, especially if your spouse is a woman, is to amp up the role that foreplay plays in the bedroom.
“When you have a long-term relationship, responsive desire is the most reliable form of desire,” notes Play. “It's backwards to think that in long-term relationships if you look at your partner and don't get aroused, you must not want sex. But especially for heterosexual women, responsive desire, which is arousal via responding to stimuli, is much more reliable and how things often work.”
In short, it’s easier to get your partner interested if you start slow rather than expect them to already be ready for penetration.
“Foreplay helps kickstart responsive desire,” adds Play. “It's the equivalent of smelling fresh-baked cookies and then salivating for them. Foreplay wakes up a dormant desire in your partner. A good sex life in a marriage needs good foreplay and non-penetrative sex skills because they will ignite desire and deepen arousal,” suggesting a sensual massage to kick things off.
9. Try Kinky New Things
While trying fresh things (like kink or BDSM play) can mean unlocking a world of sexual potential, the important thing is to build on what you already like.
“If you enjoy a little spanking during rough sex, then you might enjoy spankings in other ways,” says Lords. “As part of role play, with a toy like a paddle, or a spanking for no reason other than you both like it.”
Whatever you do, make it a journey where you explore together — don’t spring it on them.
“Find a time when you’re both calm, relatively relaxed and fully clothed,” she adds. “Ask to set a time to talk about it. [...] You don’t know how your partner will react to your kinky desire, but the answer will nearly always be ‘no’ if you ask at the wrong time.”
Similarly, it’s best not to go all in on a new fetish immediately.
“You shouldn’t jump into the deep end the first time,” cautions Lords. “Instead of trying anal sex when neither of you have ever had anything in your butt, start with a finger or a small butt plug. Whatever kinky thing you want to do, start slow and build your way up to the fantasy in your head.”
10. Change Your Expectations
At the end of the day, perhaps the biggest impact you can have on your sex life is to work on accepting it as it is, and resetting what you’re expecting out of it instead of struggling to change it to meet your expectations.
It’s normal for a couple’s sexual habits to change over the course of a marriage. Unfortunately, expecting things to stay the same over the course of years and decades just isn’t realistic.
Sure, if you’re in a slump, there are lots of things you can do to make things more exciting or more romantic, but you’ll never be able to perfectly recreate the sex you had when you just met — and that’s normal!
Recognizing what your marriage does bring to the table, and not frustrated by what it doesn’t, means you’ll be able to appreciate what you have a lot more instead of trying to make it match up with an unrealistic standard.
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Source: https://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-ways-to-get-your-wife-to-have-sex-with-you.html
In reality, things are usually much different, and one of the biggest things that guys seem to struggle with when it comes to marriage — if pop culture and Google searches are to be believed — is married sex.
RELATED: The Top 10 Reasons to Get Married, Revealed
As the story goes, once you’re good and married, the sexual passion that once inflamed your relationship’s early days begins to dwindle (if it hasn’t already). Add things like bills, kids and career woes to the mix, and you have a decidedly non-sexy scenario lined up.
This person probably sees you at your best and worst, day in and day out. You can’t pull tricks like you used to, tidying up for their arrival, and you can’t really pretend you’re someone you’re not after all these years.
The beauty of love is that you know each other, but that’s still a daunting proposition when so much of sexual attraction and arousal seems to hinge on how sexy people are when we don’t fully know them, when they’re a blank slate we can project our fantasies onto.
So how do you make married sex … well, sexy? How do you make it fun, spontaneous, naughty and exciting all in one? The truth is, there’s no single answer. Every couple is different, and different things will work for different couples.
To help narrow it down, here are 10 generalized tips for amping up the sex in your marriage — both in terms of quality and in terms of quantity — to keep your life as a husband a happy one.
1. Be a Better Husband Around the Home
What’d you expect, a suggestion to buy a sex toy? The real hack to having more sex is being someone your spouse wants to have sex with. That starts with showing them you care about the marriage by taking on your fair share of responsibilities.
“When you help out around the house, especially without being asked — say, you can see the trash is full, or dishes in the sink — your wife understands you care about her and your home,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of “How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together.”
“Letting her know you see what she does, and thanking her for doing the laundry or cooking a good meal, as well as doing it yourself, makes her feel connected to you; you’re partners. That brings her close to you.”
There’s nothing less sexy for many people than watching the person they married turn into someone who expects them to do everything around the home. Even if you’re the primary (or sole) breadwinner, putting in a concerted effort to pull your weight on the homefront can make a huge difference in how sexy you seem.
After all, women find lots of non-sexual things sexy, and a guy who takes care of basic chores and responsibilities ranks high on the list.
2. Lower Your Spouse’s Stress Levels
One of the biggest drains on a couple’s sex life can be stress. Not only is stress a bad sign about how the rest of your life is going, simply being stressed can drastically lower someone’s sex drive.
That’s because stress impacts your hormones — and can seriously inhibit the hormones that help regulate arousal. Meaning, any potential for getting turned on is already nipped in the bud when you’re super stressed out.
Making stress reduction a priority in the marriage can not only help those feelings of arousal flow more freely, but your spouse will be more likely to appreciate your focus on helping them get unblocked.
“A married guy helping to reduce his wife's (or spouse's) stress levels can have a big positive impact on their sex life, and enjoy secondary gains by deepening the established marital trust,” says Dr. Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills-based couples, relationship and family psychologist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent.”
“When your spouse feels safe, cared for, and trusts you she opens her body and soul to you in deeper ways, including sexually. She wants to be closer and more intimate with you.”
3. Talk About Sex Together
If you’re really unsatisfied with your sex life, at some point, you need to have a conversation about it.
“As strange as it may feel and as difficult as it can be, the most important part of improving your sex life is to talk to your partner,” says Kayla Lords, sexpert for JackAndJillAdult.com. “That means sharing what’s good and what’s not working. It also means listening to your partner’s concerns, needs and desires. You both have to give up the belief that the other ‘should just know’ [...] what you want and need. They don’t know until you tell them — and sometimes you have to tell them multiple times and in multiple ways before they understand.”
You might cringe at the thought if you feel married sex should be organic and spontaneous, but if it’s already difficult, it’s not going to magically get easier. You solve this like you solve any other marital problem — by putting the work in … together.
“You and your spouse may have to navigate whatever shame or stigma you’ve been taught about sex,” notes Lords. “For some people even talking about sex is shameful and that makes it even more difficult ... [but doing so] “allows you both to put away assumptions and deal with what’s actually going on.”
4. Consider Talking About Sex With a Professional
The next step? Bring in a third party, whether that’s a therapist or counselor.
“In almost every realm of your life [...], you likely turn to experts for guidance and support,” says Jess O’Reilly, host of the “@SexWithDrJess”podcast. “Sex and relationships, however, remains the exception. A sex therapist or marriage counsellor can offer a range of support and tools to improve relationship satisfaction and fulfillment. A professional may be able to help you to more clearly identify, understand and communicate your own needs, desires and boundaries.”
RELATED: Here’s What You Need to Know About Couples Therapy
So if you’ve tried talking one-on-one and it hasn’t gotten you anywhere, it’s time to ask for help from someone who genuinely knows what they’re doing. Among many other things, they can also help you work through any shame or insecurity you have around sex.
But whatever you do, don’t let your spouse’s reluctance end the discussion.
“If your partner won’t go to therapy with you, go on your own,” adds O’Reilly. “Don’t use their unwillingness to attend as an excuse to avoid personal growth and accountability for yourself.”
5. Intentionally Schedule Quality Time in the Bedroom
Despite feeling that sex should be organic and spontaneous, sometimes, busy schedules take over. The reality is that sometimes, you just have to buckle down and put time aside in your calendar for sex.
“We schedule everything in our lives, and just because something is scheduled doesn’t mean that parts of it can’t be spontaneous,” says O’Reilly. “Just as food doesn’t magically appear in your mouth (you have to plan to cook, order in or go out to eat), but you can still switch from Thai to Chinese at the last minute, so too can you balance planning and spontaneity in your sex life.”
That doesn’t mean you set an agenda with minute-by-minute plans for what you’re doing. Instead, it just means you recognize that without some concerted planning effort, it can be easy for sex to slip by the wayside when other, seemingly more pressing demands are piling up.
“You might take turns scheduling sex or plan to have sex on a specific day, but leave the specific window of time more flexible,” points out O’Reilly.
6. Make Your Spouse Feel Desired
One thing that might be holding your sex life back is if your spouse just isn’t feeling sexy anymore. Over the years, people’s bodies change, and feeling like you no longer meet the standards of beauty you used to can be a real blow to a person’s sexual self esteem.
“Don’t get unrealistically focused on appearances,” cautions Tessina. “Focus on how you feel about your partner. [...] You can happily have sex with each other into your dotage if you learn to accept the changes that come with age. You may no longer be beautiful people, but you can have a lot more love, sex and fun [...] if you are comfortable with your inevitable changes.”
One way you can make your spouse feel sexy and special? Bring a little bit of romance back into your relationship.
“When you’re married and living together, it is too easy to let romance slide,” says Tessina. “For most of us, ‘romance’ is important to some degree in encouraging a sexual mood. The relaxed anticipation produced by the right music, soft lights and sweet words makes an ideal atmosphere for intimacy, which leads to verbal and physical affection. As well, simply making time to remind your partner that you find them attractive, arousing or sexy can go a long way towards helping them feel that way themselves.”
7. Make Yourself Feel Desirable
Of course, it’s possible what’s holding your sex life back is your own feelings of not being sexy.
“If you feel body shame and worry that your partner judges you during sex, it will cause performance anxiety and distract you from the moment,” says sex educator Kenneth Play “If you have body image issues, you'll be worried about positioning yourself in ways that are more attractive, or sucking in your belly or the light being too bright — which will all detract from your ability to actually focus on the sex.”
Dealing with enough experiences like that would make anyone associate sex with frustration, embarrassment or awkwardness — and then start finding excuses to avoid it.
If that’s the case, it might be time to start working on your own self-image. That might mean working out and getting back in shape, coming to terms with how you look and loving it regardless or a combination thereof. But being able to feel genuinely good about yourself can definitely have a big impact on your sex life.
“If you're more confident in yourself and have good self-esteem about your body image, you'll be able to focus on having sex with your [spouse], your mutual pleasure and connecting,” adds Play. “Also, confidence is just sexy.”
8. Engage in Lots of Foreplay
Lots of people think of sex as being primarily about penetration, but that’s an incomplete picture of what sex is (and can be). One of the best things you can do for your sex life, especially if your spouse is a woman, is to amp up the role that foreplay plays in the bedroom.
“When you have a long-term relationship, responsive desire is the most reliable form of desire,” notes Play. “It's backwards to think that in long-term relationships if you look at your partner and don't get aroused, you must not want sex. But especially for heterosexual women, responsive desire, which is arousal via responding to stimuli, is much more reliable and how things often work.”
In short, it’s easier to get your partner interested if you start slow rather than expect them to already be ready for penetration.
“Foreplay helps kickstart responsive desire,” adds Play. “It's the equivalent of smelling fresh-baked cookies and then salivating for them. Foreplay wakes up a dormant desire in your partner. A good sex life in a marriage needs good foreplay and non-penetrative sex skills because they will ignite desire and deepen arousal,” suggesting a sensual massage to kick things off.
9. Try Kinky New Things
While trying fresh things (like kink or BDSM play) can mean unlocking a world of sexual potential, the important thing is to build on what you already like.
“If you enjoy a little spanking during rough sex, then you might enjoy spankings in other ways,” says Lords. “As part of role play, with a toy like a paddle, or a spanking for no reason other than you both like it.”
Whatever you do, make it a journey where you explore together — don’t spring it on them.
“Find a time when you’re both calm, relatively relaxed and fully clothed,” she adds. “Ask to set a time to talk about it. [...] You don’t know how your partner will react to your kinky desire, but the answer will nearly always be ‘no’ if you ask at the wrong time.”
Similarly, it’s best not to go all in on a new fetish immediately.
“You shouldn’t jump into the deep end the first time,” cautions Lords. “Instead of trying anal sex when neither of you have ever had anything in your butt, start with a finger or a small butt plug. Whatever kinky thing you want to do, start slow and build your way up to the fantasy in your head.”
10. Change Your Expectations
At the end of the day, perhaps the biggest impact you can have on your sex life is to work on accepting it as it is, and resetting what you’re expecting out of it instead of struggling to change it to meet your expectations.
It’s normal for a couple’s sexual habits to change over the course of a marriage. Unfortunately, expecting things to stay the same over the course of years and decades just isn’t realistic.
Sure, if you’re in a slump, there are lots of things you can do to make things more exciting or more romantic, but you’ll never be able to perfectly recreate the sex you had when you just met — and that’s normal!
Recognizing what your marriage does bring to the table, and not frustrated by what it doesn’t, means you’ll be able to appreciate what you have a lot more instead of trying to make it match up with an unrealistic standard.
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Why Married Sex Is Actually Better
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Source: https://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-ways-to-get-your-wife-to-have-sex-with-you.html
Sunday, June 23, 2019
Six Pro Tips for (Finally) Finding a Relationship This Year
Many people tackle a new year looking to achieve concrete goals that’ll make them happier — losing weight, drinking or smoking less, going new places, completing personal projects. And those are all well and good, but they’re things that are more or less within a person’s control. That’s why you tend not to see many people resolving to, say, get in a relationship in 2019.
RELATED: New Relationship Don'ts You Should Know About
Since starting a romance involves the (enthusiastically!) consenting participation of another person, it’s not wholly under your control. But it’s also worth considering the many ways in which getting into a relationship is under your control. That is to say, there are things you can do that will affect how easy it is for you to find a romantic partner. If you’ve been struggling with that lately, well, read on. With the right attitude, 2019 could be your year.
1. Work on Yourself
This could mean taking your physical fitness more seriously, working on your wardrobe and grooming routine, cultivating your talents and interests, or (stay with me here) going to therapy. Whatever it is that you do, if you’re working on making yourself the best version of yourself, you’ll build confidence and people will start to notice you more and think of you differently.
It’s true that not everyone has charm, money, good looks, or the other stereotypical qualities many men think they need in order to find someone, but it’s also true that if you’re feeling unlovable, unattractive or simply undateable, it’s important to remember that the you you are now isn’t a permanent state and that everyone’s tastes are different.
Whatever angle you choose to work on (and you can choose several), there’s not much that’s more attractive than a guy with the humility to recognize his faults and the ambition to improve himself.
2. Think About How You Approach Women
If you’re not interested in dating women, you can probably skip this section, but for the many guys out there who are, this is crucial info: A lot of women find men who don’t respect them to be a huge turnoff.
If you put in some work to check — and maybe change — your perception of women and treat them as fellow humans who deserve equal rights and to be taken seriously, you’d be surprised at how much easier it’ll be to find someone who wants to be in a relationship with you. Try talking to women you know or are close to about their experiences with sexism and misogynistic men. Try reading books or online advice about how to be a better feminist, and put into practice what you learn. You’ll be grateful — and so will the women you go on dates with.
3. Sign Up for a Dating Site or App
This might be a gimme, but seriously, if you’re not signed up for an online dating site or app of any kind, you’re doing your chances of finding a relationship an immense disservice.
Over the past decade or two, online dating has skyrocketed in terms of popularity, and these days you’re much more likely to find a date through digital means than by, say, asking the cutie you ran into at the grocery store out for dinner.
If you’re genuinely looking for a relationship in 2019, sign up for at least one online dating option. If you’re wary of hookup-oriented apps such as Tinder or Grindr, there are a lot of sites tailored for basically every interest, demographic category, and niche subculture out there.
4. Put Yourself Out There
If you’re shy when it comes to dating, set a goal and do your darnedest to hit it. Whether it’s swiping right on more people, messaging more people, or asking people out more, you should be shooting to reach out more.
RELATED: Top 10 First-Date Ideas Single Guys Should Memorize
Opportunities to be in relationships stem from making connections, and if you’re not doing the basic stuff like saying, “Hey, let’s go see a movie” or “Want to grab drinks?” you might never end up at a point where you have the “Let’s be exclusive” conversation.
5. Be Honest About Your Feelings
Maybe the thing holding you back from success is that you haven’t tried. This is a long shot, but if you have a crush who you’re too scared to ask out, it might be time to give it a try and be honest about your feelings.
It’s easy to find yourself trapped in a cycle of “Now’s not the right time to bring it up,” but the truth is that if you really want to make something happen with someone, it’s better to shoot your shot.
RELATED: The Secret Benefits of the Friend Zone Most Guys Don't Know About
Make 2019 the year you find out if your crush likes you back. It’s a win/win — either they do (win) or they don’t, but you’re no longer trapped in a state of emotional suspended animation (also win) and you can start to move on and find someone new.
6. Don’t Fear Failure
At its core, struggling to find a relationship often involves the fear of failure. If you skipped through all the above advice (no judgment), take this to heart: Try your best not to let fear of failure prevent you from seeking happiness.
A lot of people are content to go through life without pursuing their dreams because they fear trying and failing more than never trying at all. If your goal in life is to never share any beautiful moments of love and passion, then that’s fine! You do you.
But if you’re pretending you’re OK with being alone because it’s easier than trying to find someone and getting shot down, you’re doing yourself an immense disservice. Whatever it takes, remember and repeat to yourself: “2019 is the year I try to find a relationship.” Sure, you might fail. You might find yourself reading an article just like this one a year from now. But it won’t be for lack of trying.
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Source: https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/how-to-find-a-relationship-in-2019.html
Saturday, February 16, 2019
How to Date After a Divorce
In a former life, I was one of those trying women who would comment on articles about online dating with a “Wow. That sounds terrible. So glad I found my partner at 19 and got married by 25!” These comments were accompanied by an air of frantic smugness that is usually seen in a young woman who is just beginning to suspect she made a mistake.
In a twist that is actually not twisty at all, but a predictable, linear portion of my life story, I am now divorced, and it rocks. But it did not always rock, and I had to unlearn a lot of bad behavior before it began to. Divorce is often framed two different ways: a great tragedy or a great triumph. Either you couldn’t make a great thing work (and are a failure!), or you escaped from a bad situation (and are a strong hero!), but the truth is that it’s often somewhere in between. No matter how mutual the decision to get divorced was, parts of it will be horrible, but dating after divorce doesn’t have to be that bad.
Being married is a little like being in a time capsule, and successfully dating after the dissolution of a marriage is less about getting hip with the apps and more about creating an internal shift in how you think about relationships, romance, and sex. Like anything, divorce is different for everyone, but there are some strategies I think every divorced person can employ to make dating after marriage not terrible—and maybe even fun.
Learn to appreciate the void
Being alone rules.
A lot of “being lonely” is actually getting over the muscle memory of being physically near another person for a large portion of your day or night. As someone who worked from home, and was married to someone who also worked from home, I can tell you that it takes some unlearning, but it can be done. Your first impulse may be to fill this physical emptiness with a string of dates or casual sex—I hesitate to use the phrase “meaningless sex” because even the most casual, noncommittal sex can have meaning and serve a purpose—but you will have to eventually be comfortable with being in a room without another person also being present.
Spoiler alert: Being alone rules. If you have a hard time believing this, think about how you would feel whenever your spouse went out of town. Did you pine for them from the moment they left until the moment they returned? Probably not. You most likely ate whatever you wanted, watched whatever you wanted, and spent more time with friends, without worrying about coordinating with your “other half” (which is honestly a very weird thing to refer to a partner as). Try to recall and tap into that joy, and then amplify it by doing the things your former partner kept you from doing. I’m not necessarily talking about drinking every night or having sex with strangers (though you could), I’m talking about hanging up that painting she hated, or inviting over that friend he never quite got along with. I’m talking about playing Hank Williams as loud as you want, and never having to listen to Tool again.
Date outside your “type”
It’s possible that your ex was the perfect picture of what you’re attracted to, but it’s also possible you just think that because it’s what you knew, what you were used to, and what you had grown to love. There are a lot of wonderful humans of all shapes out in the world, and now is the time to meet them. Also, take this time to examine what may be compulsory heterosexuality and/or monogamy, particularly if either of those things were a source of anguish, anxiety, or strain in your recently ended marriage. The worst thing that can happen is that you try something and it’s not a good fit, but then you get to learn something about yourself, which is never bad.
Love interests are not spouses
Married people do thoughtful, loving things for each other without even realizing that they are being thoughtful and loving, and that’s one of the beautiful things about marriage. By getting divorced, you are effectively losing a family member, and there’s suddenly one less person in your corner. Not only is there one less person taking care of you, but you have one less person to take care of. If you were the more nurturing partner, you might find yourself a backlog of nurturer-type energy that is screaming for a home. You may find yourself performing emotional labor for people who neither want nor deserve it, or find yourself expecting an inappropriate amount of emotional labor from someone you’ve only been on a couple of dates with, simply out of habit. This is not ideal, and it can be helpful to think of these new love interests as friends. For example, if you’re thinking of doing something for a person you’ve only been on a three dates with, ask yourself if you’d do that same thing for a new, platonic friend you’d only hung out with three times. If not, maybe don’t do the thing.
You are effectively losing a family member, and there’s suddenly one less person in your corner.
Talk about it, a lot
Go to therapy, champ. You’ve just been through some major trauma and, though I’m sure your friends are all a bunch of lovely, very supportive listeners, they are not therapeutic professionals, and may not have the resources or bandwidth to help you through this effectively, no matter their intentions.
Also, depending on how dysfunctional your previous relationship had been or become, you may not have the healthiest romantic behaviors, and a therapist can help you identify those, so you can treat new potential partners how they deserve to be treated, as well as spot when you are being treated in a way that you do not deserve. What you have come to know as “normal,” acceptable behavior may not be, but you’ll never know if you don’t examine the past.
The one person you shouldn’t talk to your divorce about is, of course, the person you are on a date with. Obviously be upfront about the fact that you are divorced (or getting divorced), but don’t turn your date into a Tinder-sourced therapy session, and resist the urge to tell harrowing tales, even though harrowing tales can be extremely entertaining. There’s no way your divorce is the most interesting thing about you, and you shouldn’t talk about it like it is.
Enjoy the lack of time table
Some people are very concerned about “finding the one” so they can “settle down.” Great news: you already did it. Check it off your list, and seek out new experiences. Being married can be wonderful, but it is not, and never was, a resting place, and viewing a state-sanctioned relationship as some sort of fairytale “ending” helps no one. You may get married again, and you may not, but neither outcome should affect your self-worth. You may not believe it now, but a failed marriage is not a reason to feel guilty, and you don’t have to explain your divorce to anyone (besides a therapist, for therapeutic purposes, perhaps). You tried it, you did your best, and—like everyone else just trying to fucking live—you deserve to be happy again, and maybe dating a a few fun people can help you achieve that.
Source: https://lifehacker.com/how-to-date-after-a-divorce-1832478568
Thursday, February 14, 2019
The Perfect Valentine’s Day Isn’t About Love or Romance
The Key to a Perfect Valentine’s Day Is Appreciation, Not Romance
Valentine’s Day isn’t about love. It’s not even about romance. It’s about appreciation. Your wife (or girlfriend, partner, etc.) should know that you love them. Hopefully you say “I love you” as you leave for work in the morning, or when you hang up the phone. If you don’t, start with that.
While you might not be the most romantic guy in the world, you’ve probably made a few grand romantic gestures each year, perhaps to celebrate a birthday or promotion, or because you were looking to rekindle that spark in the bedroom again. Whatever the reason, good. Keep doing that.
But, how often do you say “I appreciate you”? How often do you show through your actions that you’re not taking her for granted? It’s the little things, such as picking up dinner when you know she’s been swamped with work, that show your appreciation.
“Expressing appreciation shows that you value and respect one another,” explains Amazon best-selling author and executive mind coach Cynthia Dougherty, Ph.D. “Appreciation acknowledges the efforts each person is putting in the relationship to grow together and invest into one another’s happiness.”
Valentine’s Day is the perfect time for grand gestures of appreciation. You want to make it clear that you not only recognize everything that she does for you on a daily basis, but you also value her for thinking of you.
“Making that effort really is the point of the holiday,” adds Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach and educator. “You should always put effort into your relationship and make things special, but Valentine’s Day is a chance to be over the top and show your partner you think they’re magical.”
This, of course, begs the question “How do I show my appreciation?” because a bouquet of roses or a box of chocolates, just isn’t going to cut it.
Unfortunately, it’s impossible to offer a one-size-fits-all perfect V-Day itinerary that complements the dynamic of every relationship. Nevertheless, here are a few suggestions, and hopefully, from there, you’ll be able to personalize the dayfor your one-and-only.
First, try to think about something that would enhance her life not for a few hours, but for the rest of the year. This can come in the form of an actual gift, action, or event. Let’s say your sweetheart is a big reader, and books are beginning to pile up on her desk. You could buy her a book, which sounds cute, or you could give her a reading-related gift that’s far more meaningful and appreciative. Before she gets home from work that day, install a floating wall shelf in the living room, office, or wherever you think works best aesthetically. She’ll come home to find the novels that were littered across her desk beautifully displayed on the walls.
Another great way to show your appreciation is through doing something that you don’t like, but she loves. Sacrifice shows that it’s not always about you, and you’re willing to put her first. Buy her tickets to see a pop diva/band that you dislike, but she obsesses over. When you eventually go, don’t seem disinterested or annoyed as that’ll defeat the entire purpose, and enjoy time spent with your spouse. A special day together like this is one that she’ll remember forever.
In the evening, you could have a V-Day dinner. It doesn’t matter if you cook her favorite meal or take her to one of her favorite restaurants. What matters is what you say during dinner. It’s a time to open up and bare your soul. Even if it’s not your thing, or if you find communicating your emotions difficult (spoiler: everyone does), because during this one dinner, you’re going to do just that.
Express how you appreciate her, how you sometimes forget to show your appreciation, and use specific examples. Try writing something out prior if you need the practice. You don’t even need to read it, but the actual act of writing it down will help you collect and organize your thoughts.
Dougherty also suggests giving the actual handwritten, heartfelt love letter to your girlfriend.She advises to “directly express why you appreciate this person in your life” in it.
RELATED: Valentine's Day Movies to Stream
An example would be to say something like, “I hope you know how much I love and care for you. I know that sometimes I don’t show you how much I appreciate everything you do for me. You do my laundry without asking, you cook my favorite meal when I’m clearly having a bad day, and you’re always there to listen to my problems.. You’re kind, compassionate, and I really am so happy that we found each other. I don’t say this enough, but I appreciate you.”
Then, last but not least, say how you plan to show your appreciation every other day of the year. Rather than having Valentine’s Day as the only time to express your gratitude, think of it as a precursor to how you will show your appreciation every single day.
“In my experience working with couples, I’ve found that the healthiest and most satisfied couples find ways of showing appreciation for their partners every day for even the most mundane of tasks, like feeding the dog or moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer without being asked,” notes Melissa Johnson, PsyD.
“Showing daily gratitude prevents the buildup of resentment, which is toxic for a relationship, while also encouraging a teammate mentality.”
If you’re able to do that, she’ll not only have an incredible Valentine’s Day, but she’ll also have an incredible boyfriend year-round.
You Might Also Dig:
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Source: https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_600/653_perfect-valentines-day.html
Valentine’s Day isn’t about love. It’s not even about romance. It’s about appreciation. Your wife (or girlfriend, partner, etc.) should know that you love them. Hopefully you say “I love you” as you leave for work in the morning, or when you hang up the phone. If you don’t, start with that.
While you might not be the most romantic guy in the world, you’ve probably made a few grand romantic gestures each year, perhaps to celebrate a birthday or promotion, or because you were looking to rekindle that spark in the bedroom again. Whatever the reason, good. Keep doing that.
But, how often do you say “I appreciate you”? How often do you show through your actions that you’re not taking her for granted? It’s the little things, such as picking up dinner when you know she’s been swamped with work, that show your appreciation.
“Expressing appreciation shows that you value and respect one another,” explains Amazon best-selling author and executive mind coach Cynthia Dougherty, Ph.D. “Appreciation acknowledges the efforts each person is putting in the relationship to grow together and invest into one another’s happiness.”
Valentine’s Day is the perfect time for grand gestures of appreciation. You want to make it clear that you not only recognize everything that she does for you on a daily basis, but you also value her for thinking of you.
“Making that effort really is the point of the holiday,” adds Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach and educator. “You should always put effort into your relationship and make things special, but Valentine’s Day is a chance to be over the top and show your partner you think they’re magical.”
This, of course, begs the question “How do I show my appreciation?” because a bouquet of roses or a box of chocolates, just isn’t going to cut it.
Unfortunately, it’s impossible to offer a one-size-fits-all perfect V-Day itinerary that complements the dynamic of every relationship. Nevertheless, here are a few suggestions, and hopefully, from there, you’ll be able to personalize the dayfor your one-and-only.
First, try to think about something that would enhance her life not for a few hours, but for the rest of the year. This can come in the form of an actual gift, action, or event. Let’s say your sweetheart is a big reader, and books are beginning to pile up on her desk. You could buy her a book, which sounds cute, or you could give her a reading-related gift that’s far more meaningful and appreciative. Before she gets home from work that day, install a floating wall shelf in the living room, office, or wherever you think works best aesthetically. She’ll come home to find the novels that were littered across her desk beautifully displayed on the walls.
Another great way to show your appreciation is through doing something that you don’t like, but she loves. Sacrifice shows that it’s not always about you, and you’re willing to put her first. Buy her tickets to see a pop diva/band that you dislike, but she obsesses over. When you eventually go, don’t seem disinterested or annoyed as that’ll defeat the entire purpose, and enjoy time spent with your spouse. A special day together like this is one that she’ll remember forever.
In the evening, you could have a V-Day dinner. It doesn’t matter if you cook her favorite meal or take her to one of her favorite restaurants. What matters is what you say during dinner. It’s a time to open up and bare your soul. Even if it’s not your thing, or if you find communicating your emotions difficult (spoiler: everyone does), because during this one dinner, you’re going to do just that.
Express how you appreciate her, how you sometimes forget to show your appreciation, and use specific examples. Try writing something out prior if you need the practice. You don’t even need to read it, but the actual act of writing it down will help you collect and organize your thoughts.
Dougherty also suggests giving the actual handwritten, heartfelt love letter to your girlfriend.She advises to “directly express why you appreciate this person in your life” in it.
RELATED: Valentine's Day Movies to Stream
An example would be to say something like, “I hope you know how much I love and care for you. I know that sometimes I don’t show you how much I appreciate everything you do for me. You do my laundry without asking, you cook my favorite meal when I’m clearly having a bad day, and you’re always there to listen to my problems.. You’re kind, compassionate, and I really am so happy that we found each other. I don’t say this enough, but I appreciate you.”
Then, last but not least, say how you plan to show your appreciation every other day of the year. Rather than having Valentine’s Day as the only time to express your gratitude, think of it as a precursor to how you will show your appreciation every single day.
“In my experience working with couples, I’ve found that the healthiest and most satisfied couples find ways of showing appreciation for their partners every day for even the most mundane of tasks, like feeding the dog or moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer without being asked,” notes Melissa Johnson, PsyD.
“Showing daily gratitude prevents the buildup of resentment, which is toxic for a relationship, while also encouraging a teammate mentality.”
If you’re able to do that, she’ll not only have an incredible Valentine’s Day, but she’ll also have an incredible boyfriend year-round.
You Might Also Dig:
Top Valentine's Day Gift Ideas for Him
Valentine’s Day Travel Ideas
Best Valentine's Gift Ideas for Her
Source: https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_600/653_perfect-valentines-day.html
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
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Not too long ago ago, people had to actually
go out and speak to someone face-to-face if they were hoping to date.
Crazy, right? Today, meeting someone new has become easy once you
sign onto one of the many free online dating sites out
there. These pages allow you to experience all that online dating has
to offer while giving you the opportunity to see how you stack up in
modern world of left and right swipes.
If you think about it, online dating has come a long way in
a relatively short period of time. In the past, options available to
singles looking to date (or people in open relationships) were fewer and
further between. Even worse, at the time, free online dating options
were often considered highly sketchy, putting your identity and privacy
at risk. That, or they simply did not have the membership numbers to
give you a worthwhile experience.
Today, app-first options — and mobile-friendly sites with their own custom apps such (such as AdultFriendFinder and Zoosk,
for example) have changed the game thanks to massive databases of
loyal, active date-seekers providing plenty of fish in the sea to choose
from. That means if you're looking for like-minded people, you won't
have to swim very hard or very far. Now, you just need to find the right
dating site or app to sign up for.
RELATED: How to Ask Her Out
That being said, it's no surprise that services you pay for
tend to provide some extra user value to justify the price tag. There’s
usually more advanced matching algorithms along with other bells and
whistles, and because you must pay to use them, they tend to attract
people who take online dating a little more seriously. Of course, many
free sites have matching systems that work just as well as (if not
better, in some cases) their paid competitors, and each dating website
or app tends to have its own unique aspect that makes it stand out.
As a result, when considering what's available these days
in free online dating terms, the message is pretty clear: Finding people
online to go on dates doesn't cost you much money — or any money, for
that matter — so you can save your hard-earned cash for the dates you
actually go on. If online dating is something you're thinking about, you
really have nothing to lose by trying out a free dating site.
Instead of downloading 20-plus apps, spending all your time
filling out dozens of different dating profiles, get a leg up on your
fellow online daters by browsing through this list of the best free
online dating sites available right now.
The Best Free Dating Sites
Coffee Meets Bagel
Coffee Meets Bagel takes a unique approach to online dating
by taking bits and pieces from some of the best sites and combining
them into one awesome experience, giving users the best of all worlds.
The app does an incredible job at collecting feedback from
singles, using it to help increase general rate of success. Members are
given a report card-style dashboard that shows them why users liked or
passed on their profile. It breaks it down to the specific reason, such
as low-quality profile pictures, as well as offering ways to improve
their likelihood of getting “liked.” For any online dater, this
dashboard alone is a good (and free) tool to gauge how their profile is
performing compared to others. The critiques aren't harsh, essentially
providing you with information you've always wanted but never knew how
to ask for.
As you might have already guessed from the name, coffee beans are the currency of Coffee Meets Bagel,
and you earn them through daily logins and other activities. The site
is very reward-driven, giving you a limited number of matches each day,
based first on the mutual friends you share on Facebook with the number
of matches increasing each consecutive day you log on. With the extra
beans you accumulate, you can show interest in another group of
potential matches who aren't necessarily your handpicked matches of the
day, but with whom you may share common interests. The concept of
matching people based on mutual friends isn't new, but because of how
the dating platform is designed, it simply works well — as in, without
being creepy or overly forward.
Check out Coffee Meets BagelOKCupid
Of all the dating sites and apps out there, OKCupid has
become one that singles flock to for their first online dating trial
run. People also tend to return throughout their online dating journey
unless they've settled down for good. The site hasn't changed much in
years, but rather banks on what it does have to offer singles,
which seems to continually attract and re-attract members. The site
features an easy-to-navigate interface, insightful but not obnoxiously
long profiles, and a handful of question you can answer to help the site
match you better and find you a meaningful relationship.
Potential matches are found based on searching instead
of match suggestions, providing more control over your online dating
experience. For each match you see, you also see the percentage match
rate you have with that individual, giving you not just another
conversation starter, but an actual data-driven indication (based on the
profile questions you answered) of how well you and someone you find in
your search results may match. OKCupid has a fun, laid-back feel to it,
and users generally adopt a similar attitude when interacting on the
site. It makes a legitimate choice both for people looking for casual
flings, and those in search of more serious, long-term relationships.
Essentially, it's a win-win for all parties involved.
Check out OKCupidPlenty Of Fish
Go for a swim with Plenty of Fish, one of the easiest and
most budget-friendly ways to dive into online dating. Functioning as
both a site and an app, the platform provides a feature-packed online
dating experience that doesn't cost you a dime. There's an abundance of
members from all different walks of life, most of whom are continually
active on the site. Plenty of Fish is also designed for finding people
for long-term relationships as well as arranging casual,
no-strings-attached meetings, although it skews more toward the latter
option.
The site operates based on search, rather than any fancy,
undisclosed matching algorithm. This means you can search the entire
member database, and the number of members you can see in a week, day or
hour is never limited. Profiles have various areas to express your
personality, and can be made as detailed (or brief) as you want. There
are also useful questionnaires that give you insight into your own
personality traits and compatibility skills, meant to help your online
dating game regardless of the site you end up using the most. The site
incorporates seven ways to discover other people, the most useful of
which is with standard or advanced searches (done by who's online, by
city, by new users, by contacts and by favorites).
Finally, there's a handy alert section at the top notifying
you of any relevant activity, ensuring you never miss a chance for
interaction with another single.
Check out Plenty Of FishTinder
Tinder has become quite the cultural phenomenon,
essentially responsible for introducing "swiping" to our dating lexicon.
The casual dating app is incredibly straightforward and easy to use. In
fact, it's so simple that, at least for the standard free version,
there are really only a few things you can do on it, including updating
your profile, swiping left (to pass) or right (to like), and chatting
with matches.
As is only fitting for a swipe-based dating app, profiles
are minimal, focusing mainly on profile pictures with a brief bio, but
they do allow you to connect social accounts if desired, including your
Instagram account, which can give people a better idea of what you're
into via Facebook likes, and pictures of you visible on your Instagram.
You can also connect your Spotify account if you feel like showing off
your taste in music, too.
There's really only one path to finding other singles with
Tinder: swipe, message and go from there. The main section of the site,
the swiping section, allows you to swipe on profiles very quickly, with
many users only looking at the main profile picture before swiping one
way or the other. There are some more advanced paid features that let
you “boost” your swipe, such as super-liking a member, or reverse your
swipe option and go back to a profile you accidentally passed on.
Communication can only take place once both members like each other, at
which time either match may initiate a conversation. Still, Tinder
stands as a powerhouse in the dating app world, and quite frankly, will
probably maintain its status for a very long time.
Check out TinderPure
If you're just trying to hook up (no judgment here), it's
always best to prioritize your privacy, and Pure does just that. The
free app, designed to facilitate casual flings, erases your dating
profile every hour, although you can easily restore it if your heart
desires. The app is basically a geo-location-based online personals app
that allows you to list yourself to other local singles for 60-minute
periods to see who you match up with. If you mutually match, you can
strike up a quick chat with the matching user, but be sure to exchange
contact information quickly — before you know it, you'll lose contact on
the app with that user. After one hour, your profile “self-destructs,”
erasing your short online personal listing so nothing traces back to
you.
Check out Pure
Are Paid Dating Sites Better?
While free dating sites can be easy options when it
comes to trying to find that special someone, they don't always provide
the best value for your time. Without having to pay, these select
options are often not designed to work as well as paid dating sites,
meaning you could interact with more scammers and bots than you’d like.
Fake profiles are also just a fact of life on free dating
sites, as well as an increased number of individuals on the sites who
have their own agenda. As an alternative, there are paid dating sites
that are well worth the extra expense per month to ensure you get the
most out of your online dating experience.
Zoosk
Zoosk
attracts a massive amount of online daters because of their clear-cut,
easy to master layout. It also helps that they have a pretty solid
(and unique) matching algorithm. Zoosk's site is also aesthetically
pleasing, meaning it's actually enjoyable to be on, whether on the
desktop or app version, and it looks brand new despite launching in
2007.
The site has profile verification options to ensure you are
matching with real people and not fake profiles. On top of that, the
site has a Smart Match system that essentially allows it to learn your
preferences the more you use it, and the option to send a “Mega Flirt”
that reaches dozens of inboxes every 15 minutes. It's a site you won't
easily grow bored of that aims to help you become a better dater.
Check out ZooskMatch
For years, Match
has been an industry leader in online dating, and it's no secret why.
The company offers the right balance of features and members to keep
making love connections happen on a regular basis. Although it's easy to
assume Match is only for serious daters, it's actually an online dating
site for anyone looking for anything from marriage to one-night stands.
The site has a continually evolving matching algorithm that helps you
find those you are interested in, even if you’re a little unsure of who
exactly that is.
As a household name in the industry, Match has created so
many successful encounters over the years and is often the next
practical step for those looking to explore their paid dating options.
Check out Match.comElite Singles
Are you starting to feel like you're ready to settle down with a similarly ambitious and driven individual? If that's the case, Elite Singles might be the dating site for you. The site's goal is simple: Match you with other successful people, end of story.
As you'd expect from any online dating option with that
kind of lofty goal, Elite Singles gives you more than just a Facebook
photo to base your opinion on. The site collects information about
users' professions and appearances, so if you sign up, you get a chance
to be as careful and thoughtful with your love life as you are when
you're on the job.
Check out Elite Singles FriendFinder-X
If you're in search of a hookup but would love to avoid dealing with a sea of bots and fake profiles, FriendFinder-X
is your best bet. The site claims to be the world's destination for
casual online dating, and is chock-full of features that give you plenty
of options, from the way you discover others to the way you design your
profile. The site has a rating system incorporated into it that ranks
members by hotness, providing some insight into what the true purpose of
the site is.
You can take it for granted that everyone on the site is
there for the same reasons, which is something free dating sites don't
always provide. There's even a recently added Connexion (a lifelike
video cybersex feature) if you're just looking to get turned on. The
site has built-in broadcast options to make cybersex even easier, and
the unique ability to search members by their sexual interests. You
can't go wrong if you know what you're looking for.
Check out FriendFinder-XYou Might Also Dig:
- The Most Common Mistakes Guys Make on Tinder
- How to Use Bumble to Guarantee Yourself a Date
- The Best Dating Apps for Relationships
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